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This week the Betrayed Spouses Support board has been buzzing with thoughtful talk and helpful information about a controversial topic: Suing "the other woman" for alienation of affection when your spouse has an affair—which in some cases has resulted in tens of thousands of dollars in damages being awarded to the betrayed spouse. The conversation started with a somewhat light-hearted call to arms, but quickly grew serious as the board weighed the pros and cons.
One big con: Suing the other woman may sound tempting, but it ain't exactly easy. seaofdenial, an iVillager who did her research, points out, "There are certain circumstances that must be met, i.e. legal separation and proof that your spouse was actively pursued... It is quite expensive and most good attorneys will inform you of that. Just a letter informing the 'OW' that she had placed herself in danger of legal action was going to cost about $1,800."
There's also the question of geography: cl-valhalla31z noted that only a handful of states even allow alienation of affection suits to be filed. "I also read that a lot of these cases get thrown out of court, because nowadays they figure the wayward spouse is mainly accountable for an affair (they ALLOW their affection to be alienated)."
As for the pros... For some women, the appeal of filing a suit has nothing to do with the money. radgirl333, who pursued legal action after an affair, remarked, "The money meant nothing... but there is something to be said for feeling just a small amount of satisfaction."
For others, however, money would be the main motivation—although not necessarily for the reasons you might assume: cl_solazzo writes, "For me suing for alienation of affection would be motivated by the material losses that may have occurred. Material losses in the sense that marital assets were used without my consent or joint assets depleted and given to the other person without my consent."
And lovemydog2500 brought up an intriguing angle: "It would be interesting to see how the other woman's husband handled a suit like this. If her family had to feel the pain too."
As lovinhockey17 points out, though, living well may truly be the best revenge. "My personal opinion is that just because someone doesn't take revenge on someone else doesn't mean they are doormats. I left and got on with my life and am leading a wonderful life and that is all the revenge I needed."
What do you think? If your spouse cheated, would you sue the other woman if you could? Do you feel that wandering spouses—and those who knowingly encourage spouses to "wander"—are not held sufficiently accountable for their actions? Or do you feel that suing the other woman is going too far? And just how much should our legal system overlap with our personal relationships, anyway?
Share your thoughts here. And be sure to join the live chat on this topic on the In The Loop site starting at 11:30 am EST on November 5.
It's definitely time for a staph meeting. The message boards have been buzzing about the recent outbreak of MRSA infections in schools, with most people wondering: How worried should we be, exactly? Is this a "hit panic button now" situation, or more of a "wash your hands often" type thing?
First, a little background: A Virginia high school senior died recently after contracting methicillin-resistant staphylococcus aureus, or MRSA, an antibiotic-resistant staph infection. Since then students in school districts in at least six states have been infected with MRSA, and three of the children have died. Many schools have shut down temporarily for cleaning, since the infection tends to spread fastest in gyms, locker rooms, hospitals, and other places where people tend to share equipment, linens and personal items.
cl-pt40 pointed out on the Getting Fit in Your 40s board that misleading information about the recent outbreaks is spreading like, well, an infection: "A local TV station somehow got the wrong info and reported our school systems as being closed until further notice."
But that doesn't mean the risk isn't real. Staph has hit close to home for several iVillagers, and most seem to be on the mend, thank goodness. cl-lissa_88, for instance, has seen the enemy come a little too close for comfort, writing on the Tone Up Your Body board that "[p]ersonally, this scares me. I had a staph infection on my leg back in February, and we really are unsure how I got it. I've told my kids to really wash their hands and to be careful, but I have to admit, my 4 year old worries me."
And ginaegg, a mom on the January '03 Jitterbugs board, has a brave little patient at home whose experience may raise some red flags for other moms of school-aged kids:
- "Poor thing, she just can't win for losing. She showed me a spot on her leg on Saturday night, high on her thigh. 'This spot hurts, Mommy.' I put hydrogen peroxide on it and it was starting to look a little angry, so I dabbed some Bactroban on it. By this afternoon it was a *really pissed off* area -- significantly larger, about as wide as my hand. A friend of mine at church is a RN, I had her look at it and asked, 'ER?' She said, 'No, but definitely an after-hours clinic. That's staph.' The doctor in the AHC agreed that it is most likely CA-MRSA, which they're seeing a lot in children. He wrote her a script for Septra and she has to stay out of school until she's had a full day of antibiotics. :( She **flipped out** when they took a culture of it. That was pretty much hell. So, we're doing warm compresses, warm baths, ibuprofen for pain and will be on antibiotics tomorrow morning. Our hand washing would make Detective Monk proud. :P So, if your kids get a little sore that suddenly flares up REALLY ugly -- hie thee to the doctor **immediately**."
Good advice, ginaegg (and give that little one a big get-well-soon squeeze from Da Village).
It's hard not to feel freaked out when so many stories are written about a scary infectious disease in schools within a week or so. And many more iVillagers are reporting that they've been affected directly or indirectly by MRSA.
But as sparkysarah, a registered nurse who knows whereof she speaks, writes on the Frugal Families board:
- "I personally don't stress over these infections. Maintain good handwashing and get any skin wounds that don't improve after a couple of days inspected by a doctor. You can't live your life scared, but it's good to be informed so you know what to look for."
If you're a mom of school-aged kids who's worried about the news, you could also follow the good example of squeeks2001 on the Acne, Eczema and Skin Conditions board, who made sure to talk to her kids about MRSA (and helpfully posted a few visual aids, too).
Has the recent staph outbreak affected you or someone you love? Do you think the media is overreacting, or do you think our schools may be underreacting?
Guess what. According to a recent survey, right this minute at least, you probably are. According to the survey results (compiled by a crack team of psychologists and economists), women report that only 13% of the amount of time they spend using the computer makes them feel "sadness or stress." So for 87% of the time you spend online, you're feeling pretty good, thanks very much. Good news, right? (Especially if you were just looking for an excuse to come visit us at the 'Hive more often.)
The survey asked men and women what they actually did all day long—that is, how many minutes each individual spent doing dishes, exercising, working, reading, using the computer, and so on. But what's more compelling, the survey also asked people to quantify how they felt while they were doing it. (Check out how men and women responded to questions about various activities here.)
Eeeenteresting. But wait, there's more.
What the researchers found was that when they added up the numbers, the men surveyed reported feeling pretty decently good about whatever they were doing for about ninety minutes more per day than women did.
So, men feel happy for ninety more minutes each day than women do.
Yep, file under "eeeeeenteresting."
The Times takes this statistic to imply that women are unhappier during more minutes of the day because we're trying to do too much every day; there's too much pressure on women to perform better in more spheres of life, because the opening up of our horizons and opportunities has had the unfortunate effect of secretly crushing our brave-but-fragile female psyches. We're stressed out! We're doing too much! Save us! Give us less to do! We can't hack it! We're unhappy!
On the other hand, the results could also be interpreted to mean that men are just more optimistic than women are—more likely to report being happier at various times throughout the day because, as everyone knows, men have naturally sunnier dispositions than we women do. Looking down through the "glass ceiling"—which men, of course, know as a "glass floor"—at all the women jumping up to reach for an equitable hourly wage can have the effect of lifting one's mood. "Look at 'em jump!" (Hehh hehh... Okay, just kidding, don't get mad.)
And then, on the other other hand... What if women and men feel about the same amount of happiness, but women are just better at accurately reporting their emotional state at any given moment? Are women (perhaps unlike men) less likely to overestimate or underestimate their happiness or unhappiness, even for a "scientific survey," because we're, you know, like, better at all that emotional stuff?
So, let's take an unofficial survey of our own...
See what people on the street have to say. Click here to watch the video. And tell us what you think! If men are happier, why? If women are, why? If you think the whole question is super-loco-crazy, why?
what's this?
Mattel has announced its third recall in just over one month – affecting 800,000 toys, including Barbie Accessories. See the full list of affected toys here.
Last month, Mattel announced a recall of over 9 million toys, including Barbie dolls (gasp! not Barbie!) and Polly Pocket play sets, among others. See the full list of affected toys here.
Some of the toys have lead paint in higher-than-"permissible" levels (does anyone other than me and iVillage member marcellazr wonder why ANY lead paint is permissible on a kid's toy?), and some have dangerous magnets and small parts that can dislodge and become a choking hazard.
This announcement comes on the heels of some seriously scary news in toyland, including:
- Mattel's recall of 1.5 million toys due to hazardous levels of lead paint (see the full list of those toys here)
- The suicide of a Chinese executive implicated in the first lead paint recall
- The recall of millions of pieces of toy jewelry, also found to contain high levels of lead
...And one iVillager reported some eyebrow-raising behavior on the part of her local toy store around the time of the first Mattel recall announcement.
All this bad news has prompted a lot of conversation, ranting, and even soul-searching on the boards. Some blame lax government control and overseas production outsourcing for the current crop of dangers, with iVillage member ddnlj asking, "Is it still even worth manufacturing overseas?" and member rachel_not_ruthie questioning whether this kind of scare should change our buying behaviors.
Many iVillage moms are feeling a little bit freaked out, like nrmh112575: "I'm ready to order some home lead test kits for all my mattel toys now...do you know how many Dora things my dd has, and has had in her mouth????"
There's also a healthy amount of plain old irritation, especially as people try to make their way through the lengthy (and paperwork-intensive) refund process, like tabitha515:
"WTF I am so sick and tired of this! They will replace the item however you have to mail it in. Who has time for that? I sure don't. This is getting on my last nerve!"
But as mimomtobe pointed out in response to the Mattel toy recall earlier this month (a recall several orders of magnitude smaller than the current one, even), recalls seem to be the high cost of affordable toys: "I guess to be able to afford anything, we get to check for recalls all the time. Bummer."
Of course, there's a lot you can do to help protect your kids -- check out these toy safety basics, know what kinds of toys to look out for at the store, and find out how to act if your child accidentally ingests something harmful. Today's Janice Lieberman also offers up a toy safety checklist.
Have the recent recalls affected you? And whether they've affected you or not, how do you think we as consumers should respond? What are you doing differently, if anything? Let's hear it...
