When Opting Out Is Not an Option

While the idea that women can choose to either stay at home with their children or be a part of the workforce is a perfectly wonderful concept, when you get down to reality, the fact is most women don't have the luxury of that choice, based on their financial situation or family structure. Of course this is a hotly-debated topic and one where we see moms facing off to defend their own choices -- or in most cases -- their basic realities. Is the whole idea that women today can "opt out" a myth? Here's what iVillage women (some moms, some not) are saying about the economics of opting out:

We need for me to work full time with the economy and [my husband's] job is in sales and not doing well at all.  We are barely getting by and my hours are being cut at work from 20 hrs per week to about 12. Bad situation. So, reluctantly, we made the decision for me to go back FT.  -- turkeybaster

It's really a necessity [for me to work]. I worked full time for a few years after my first son was born. [My husband] is a teacher, so we couldn't really pay the bills on his salary. After a few years of going green and living simply, I was able to quit my full time job and take on something part time so that I could spend more time with the kids. -- cl-kellie0901

Like so many women, there were financial obligations. Not returning was never an option. -- cl-ijanis51

Others feel that most women have a choice, it's just a matter of what sacrifices they're willing to make:

I think moms say (and feel) that they "have" to work because it assuages the guilt they feel about leaving their child in the hands of another. Well, I refuse to feel guilty for working, even though I could choose to stay at home. I wish we would all embrace our choices, stop feeling like victims of our circumstances, and, above all things, stop judging the choices of others. 

And if you really feel like you have no other choice than to work (that you need the money), I encourage you to really explore whether this is true. You may be thinking, "If I don't work, we can't afford our mortgage. My kids can't go to camp. We can't go on vacations." Well, this is a choice. You could choose to move into a smaller house or a cheaper city or town. You could send your kids to public school; vacation at the lake instead of the beach, give up the Starbucks, etc. Heck, even if you are a single-mom, many choose to go on welfare rather than work. I'm not advocating either way, just saying there is always a choice, although I fully acknowledge that sometimes the alternatives are really unappealing. -- penn_girl

 

Another mom offers her take on the idea that choosing to work means not choosing your child:

I don't think that desiring help with infant care while I continued working was reason enough to not have had a child, or desiring to return to work and university after [my son] is in school is indicative of me choosing myself over him. [My husband] knows that he would not be able to handle spending all day at home, so he's never considered being a stay at home dad - yet I rarely hear dads being criticized for choosing their career over their child in the way that moms are. In our case, it isn't about choosing anything over our child, it's about being honest about our limitations and finding a solution that works for our family's best interest. There are always costs and benefits to analyze, but it is possible to strike a good balance between being parents and being individuals with roles outside the home. It's an issue that doesn't have to be all one way or the other, but one that people can adapt to work for their family as their needs change over the years, and that's something that the black and white debate misses out on. I think feeling that it has to be all or nothing contributes to so many families feeling stuck, rather than finding solutions and working toward them so that everyone involved benefits in some way. -- indgglow

Do you believe that opting out of work is a choice for all women? Regardless of income, is having a stay-at-home parent always the best scenario? How does this play out in your own life? We'd love to hear your comments on women in the workplace and your own experiences -- sound off below!

For more on how women are really balancing work, family, sex and home, visit A Woman's Nation.