December 2008 Archives

For many it's a season of gathering with family and visiting relatives both far and near. But what if your family's holiday style is more like sabotage than holly and jolly? Well, I can tell you that you're not alone, especially when it comes to the topic of celebrating with the in-laws. Whatever the reason, relationships with the in-laws tend to skew to tension and mistrust -- things that seem to be magnified during the holidays.

On the Dealing with In-Laws message board, ariannasmommy2007 asks, "What is your strategy for coping with your in-laws during the holidays?" She offers her own ideas and gets some interesting replies:

"When I am spending time with my IL"s, my current strategy is to try to deal with their unacceptable behaviors and passive aggressive comments myself and not putting DH in the middle." -- ariannasmommy2007

"We are planning on arriving at the holiday gatherings ready to leave. As soon as things go south we are out of there." -- robingirl35

"We rarely drink and never at family parties (and they love to comment on it, to us, to the kids)  as they are a bunch of boozers and in the past there have been fights (physical) between the others, but we have always managed to get out of there before trouble starts." -- mrs.megsmom

Yowza!

Even if you're on good terms with your family (including your in-laws!), orchestrating a packed holiday schedule that includes everyone is challenging, at best.

"This is the first Christmas that my husband and I have been married for and we're not sure how to split the time between our two families. Both sides live close enough that we have to see them, which is fine, but we're not sure how to do it." -- kmartella12

Are you looking forward to time with your in-laws for the holidays or are you dreading the duty? How do you ensure that everyone has a good time -- or do you just avoid the situation altogether? Share your helpful tips -- or your horror stories -- with us. 

It's a busy week in the iVillage community as many prepare to travel or entertain for the holidays. From goodies to gifting, here's a sampling of the holiday buzz:

-- So your gifts are wrapped and your halls are decked... but what about stockings? From who gets them to what you put in them, the ladies on the Joyful Home board are talking about it. Do you get your cat a stocking? What about adults? Plus, cl-twig04 has some suggestions that would be just perfect for my stocking, "[a] diamond bracelet, trip to Hawaii with a competent sitter watching the kids at home while you sun bathe, maid service for 6 months, personal chef for 6 months..."

-- iVillagers on our Jewish Family Life message board are sharing their Chanukah traditions and memories. cl-janetlh reminisces, "I remember my father's off-key singing of Ma Otzur after reading the blessings. (And my father always did the blessings and lighting.) My father can't sing, but I love that he does!"

-- They're talking about their favorite holiday movies and last-minute gift and treat ideas on the Christmas 2008 board.

-- Gingerbread anyone? GardenWeb member jojoco shares her family's recent gingerbread construction projects on the Cooking forum. Check out that Empire State Building complete with cookie King Kong!

-- For more cookie help, try the Sweet Life message board, where they're swapping their favorite dessert recipes and even sharing tips on making the perfect chocolate chip cookie. Although, in my opinion, any chocolate chip cookie is the perfect one.

-- On the Dieting Buddies board, they're wrapping up their Holidays Mega-Challenge and giving support for sticking to their diet and fitness plans during what might be the most tempting time of the year to indulge in not-so-healthy treats.

-- Oh sure, we're all about tidings of comfort and joy but what are those things that just get on your nerves at the holidays? Christmas letters? Monster gifts from the in-laws? Secret Santa anxiety? Whatever it might be, be sure to chime in on the conversation on our Current Debates board where iVillagers are sounding off on their holiday pet peeves.

-- The Pagan Paths community members are sharing Yuletide blessings as well as offering up some really great gift basket ideas.

-- In the Lipstick Lounge, apple376 laments about being given lavish gifts by co-workers when she can't reciprocate. Are baked goods always welcome? The ladies seem to give the stamp of approval.

-- Meanwhile, no_mamaboyz4me is "sick of crappy gifts" on the Dealing with In-Laws message board. My favorite piece of advice on this issue comes from auntanna02 who offers, "Next year buy them Chia Pets. There is nothing like a Chia Pet to get a message across."  Now isn't that the truth?

-- I don't need to tell you that money's tight for many this holiday season. This is even more pronounced in our Debt Support Group. One iVillager, sillycanadian, has come to realize that sometimes things are even more fun when you're not spending money -- simply by the virtue of focusing on the simple things. She writes, "when I am really trying not to spend money, I have more fun with my kids."

And that's just the tip of the iceberg, of course -- no matter how, what or where you celebrate *or* what your dilemma might be, we most likely have someone talking about it in our community. The prevailing theme, though, seems to be having a safe and happy holiday and looking forward to a great 2009. I think we can all get on board with that, right?    

Ok, we see a lot of outrageous news stories being discussed on the iVillage message boards, but I think that this one definitely, ahem, takes the cake. Parents of a Pennsylvania tyke are shocked and offended that the local grocery store wouldn't pipe their 3-year-old's name on his birthday cake. Did I mention they named their son Adolf Hitler Campbell? ShopRite representatives state that they "deserve the right not to print anything on the cake that we deem to be inappropriate." So the Campbell family did what any family would do: they took matters into their own hands and had their icing inquiry handled at Walmart. I'm not even sure where to begin commenting on this one, so I'll let our trusty iVillagers take over from here:

We all have those "hard to buy for" people on our lists, but Planned Parenthood of Indiana is offering one solution -- gift certificates for its services! Available in $25 denominations, the certificates may be just the thing for many women who are finding themselves uninsured or unable to otherwise pay for care. Of course this new gift on the block is also stirring up some controversy as opponents argue that the vouchers could also be applied toward abortions. And then there's the matter of giving and receiving these -- would you do it? Ok, maybe it's not something you'd bring to the office Christmas party or slip in a card to your Secret Santa, but do you think the gift of healthcare is a good idea or is it something that's a little "too personal"? We checked in with iVillagers to get their take on the matter. The ladies on the Lipstick Lounge board were more than happy to weigh in:

"I'm all for ANY way of reducing healthcare and prescription costs. I'm all for empowering people to take control of their healthcare." -- cl-melmentioned

"I'm pro-Planned Parenthood. I think they do a lot of good for a lot of people who would be in trouble without them.  However, I have to say, I think this is completely inappropriate.  I would never give one, nor would I accept one as a gift. I would actually be beyond insulted if someone gave me one. Geez. Talk about an awkward gift to feign excitement over.  Bad enough pretending you love that ugly sweater..." -- apple376

 

"I would never give this to someone as a gift. I think it's even a little disgusting for a gift idea to be honest, and would make an inappropriate gift in almost ANY situation." -- rhodapenmark

 

"For those who are not on public aid and don't have health benefits, but are working hard, possibly supporting families and scraping to get by, this might be a welcome gift. Not having access to healthcare is a big issue in our country. I can't imagine this idea was sparked by people who thought about giving them as stocking stuffers instead of a Bath and Body Works card or something!" -- michelle76nj

 

"I see absolutely NO problem with a parent buying their college child one. Sure they may say they don't need them but better safe than sorry if they decide they would like to go. Not all children are going to go to their parents and discuss this with them. I know I didn't." -- prinycesa07

 

It's the most wonderful time of the year... unless you're broke. Sure, the holidays are about more than that Red Lobster gift card or the Snuggie that your mother-in-law may be pining for, but let's face it -- we definitely have a tradition of gift-giving this time of year and that usually means a trip to the mall. And that usually means shelling out lots of money. You remember money, right? That stuff that no one has right now? Needless to say this ends up causing a lot of folks a lot of stress and this year -- since we're all getting recession in our stockings -- those feelings have been loud and frequent themes on our boards.

The refrains of stress and guilt about holiday spending -- or the lack thereof -- are common on our Debt Support Group board, where many are sorting out the emotional impact of debt, as well as the practical management of their money. iVillager notsorich_yet asks "How much is too much for Christmas?" She received some great responses that touched on how we can rethink how spending is involved in celebrating the holiday:

"I've cut back on buying every relative a present. I'm making my closest friends each a cherry pie to die for. There aren't a lot of 'things' that can be bought for me that would make a huge difference in my life. I've learned that this is true of lots of people, not just me." -- herege

"Teaching your kids to live within their means is a great gift. I encourage you to give them the insight to determine needs vs. wants and to enjoy life's simple pleasures." -- dmh66

"We always do a gingerbread men decorating day with my sister, young niece, my neighbor and her young daughter. My son looks forward to that. I also do a large baking day and bake for family and co-workers. I want my kids to know those traditions over the ones that involve gifts." -- beepsmomx2

"With younger kids, quantity usually has a bigger impact than quality. Spending $10 for   a  bunch of little things is often better than a single $10 gift." -- karabella_mom

Of course this topic isn't just cropping up on the finance boards. Throughout the community iVillagers are dealing with emotional strain over holiday spending. Read how others are feeling and how they're coping with harsh financial realities during this season of giving:

read the story of Kieran 

Hot Debates

"I'd be absolutely opposed to it. I happen to believe that it is essential to place students in classes that challenge them, where discipline is maintained, and those who are intelligent and/or hard-working are able to be in the company of like peers for the purposes of motivation and competition." -- pmc_parent

 Education Issues Debate message board

"Inclusion can be beneficial for all... if done the right way." -- wifemomteacher

"Isn't it amazing what having a second adult in the room can accomplish? I've never co taught but I got to sit in on this type of arrangement when I student taught. The level of the class was the same as one I had had during my student teaching but I couldn't believe the difference. Having someone whose expertise is learning styles is invaluable. Just having a second person to keep kids on task is invaluable." -- relationship2.0

It wasn't on eBay, but apparently a big piece of Barack Obama memorabilia was up for grabs recently. Today Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was arrested by federal authorities on charges of corruption after FBI wiretaps uncovered a conspiracy to allegedly sell off the Senate seat left vacant by the President-elect. Is anyone out there sticking up for Blagojevich? Not quite:

"I live here in Illinois. I am not surprised at all. I am not sure you can be a politician in Illinois and not be a crook." -- kcmama2003

"Blago was under investigation for several years now and decides to make statements about selling Obama's seat I believe in the last month.  How stupid can he be?  There is something wrong with this man." -- mom2annie2007

"Yeah, Chicago politics. They're something, alright ... this is the fourth (out of seven) IL governors to be indicted. Sweet. Just the man's grandstanding yesterday over the window company was so outrageous, and now this. They have it on tape ... gotta love it. I know it's speculation, but any guesses on who Senate Candidate #1 in the indictment is? I certainly have mine..." -- trishst

"Not only is the guy an apparent crook, but a stupid crook. He was already under investigation for lots of stuff and then tries to pull this. [US Attorney] Fitzgerald is going to hang him out to dry." -- sydney1977

"It doesn't matter which political party he belongs to. It sounds like there is plenty of evidence of corruption, and he should be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. Crime is crime whether it is committed by a Democrat or a Republican." -- sopall1953

"Makes me want to never vote again - now it will be 1 and 1 for the convicted governors here." -- jaybee458

 

The Illinois political track record seems to have gone downhill since the days of Lincoln, but with all of the scandals lately (think Edwards, Spitzer, Foley, Stevens ... insert the name of your favorite disgraced politician here!), you have to wonder if there isn't a dishonesty epidemic making the rounds in our elected officials. Does power always ultimately corrupt? Let me know what you think about this latest fiasco and your suggestions for getting rid of government corruption.

The effects of the US recession have already taken quite a toll on American families, but in the past week the news turned from bad to worse as more workers are facing job cuts while companies slash staff in order to survive. Many in our community have been affected, whether they have personally lost their job or are trying to cope with a spouse or loved one who is out of work -- not to mention the loss of income. For those who have been spared, the fear of more job cuts in the next few months is weighing heavily on the minds of iVillagers:

"I am almost 5 months pregnant, clearly showing and needing to start looking for a job. Without this job we can't pay our bills, we've already gotten through the whole mortgage crisis - we had an adjustable rate like every other American and switched to a fixed rate. So we don't have any savings - there goes my plan of saving a few thousand dollars for when this baby comes!" -- kadidi11

"What was supposed to be a 2-3 week layoff turned into something totally different on Friday: he came home at 1 with layoff papers! He doesn't know when he is going back. *sigh* I hope he does go back soon but it's not looking good at all. We filed for unemployment and it's going to be 30+ days before we see anything!" -- sweetchelle78

"Yesterday, I got laid off with no warning at all ...It's hard not to feel bitter when it feels like I've been fired rather than laid off and I'm taking it very personally. I went to my supervisor's office yesterday because I thought we were going to talk about getting me some help with entering orders for a national chain that I deal with exclusively, but instead I have no job." -- alikittee

"We just found out that there are going to be layoffs at [my husband's] work. They are starting with management. Luckily [he] isn't a manager but we are not at all sure his job is secure. I really don't think anything is anymore." -- mom_to_chloe

"I know with the economy my situation is not unique. My DH came home early today and told me he was let go. This came as a complete shock ... this is so sucky right before Christmas with 3 kids who now want to know why mommy's sad." -- mom2piperandchase

Have you been affected by a layoff or are you worried about how you'd survive if it happens? CNBC's Carmen Wong Ulrich offers some advice for staying afloat until things improve and the Job Seeker's Support Group, Budgeting and Frugal Families communities are great resources for tips, advice and, perhaps most importantly in these tough times, support. Share how you're doing and offer your strategy for getting by in the lean times ahead.

As Congress and US automakers dance around a deal for the proposed industry bailout, women on the Feminism Today message board are kicking the tires on this plan, debating the cause of the crisis and sizing up the auto industry in general:

"I was born and raised in Detroit, so say what you will. I feel very sad to see this city fail and witness the very buildings that my own father spent his life constructing, sitting abandoned and tortured while I read about it in the news; it is a cruel joke." -- annieoliver

"There is a wonderful opportunity here to make this money go towards a purpose that helps in many ways - people working on the stations, people still building cars, us being less dependent on oil as a result. The government is in a unique position to break the problem of what comes first - [natural gas] cars or [natural gas] stations. " -- cl-llhaesa

"The auto makers have just not been responding to our needs. Do I think we should bail them out? No! The US auto industry has had over 30 years to respond to these needs (70s gas crisis anyone?) and has done nothing. As much as I hate to see people lose their jobs, I'm starting to feel this is the only way to get through to this industry." -- sillygrrl13

"A big part of the current auto crisis is obsolete and/or poor quality products. One of their tactics was simply to change the name of a vehicle if it didn't sell well. As if people didn't buy it because of the name? Management is the one that decides these things. Another part [of this] is that US car companies would finance anyone while the foreign car companies wouldn't."  -- hottlipps

"I'm not blaming the unions for this problem. It is bad management that got them here. HOWEVER, I'm also pointing out that American auto workers are amongst the highest paid in the world, which contributes to the high prices charged for the vehicles no one wants to buy." -- cl-sandybryant

What do you think about the Big Three bailout plan? Do you think the government should help the auto industry stay afloat or is it just too much, too late? Chime in here with your take and let me know if you're being affected by the automakers' crisis.

A Florida mom's habit of diluting her son's formula nearly cost her child his life after the amount of added water resulted in malnutrition and water intoxication. This story spread like wildfire through our iVillage Playgroups and added fuel to arguments on the Breastmilk vs. Formula Debate message board. Many were shocked that this could happen and felt this incident is one sign that families are struggling with tough financial choices:   

"I'm afraid that the as the U.S. economy gets worse, that a lot more people are going to resort to this practice, because food banks and other organizations that help people make ends meet are already reporting that they're stretched beyond reason. Where I live, few women initiate breastfeeding and even fewer sustain it more than a few weeks. As the economy tanks, people will begin to do desperate things. There isn't much support for breastfeeding where I live, and formula feeding is actively encouraged." -- tanjanika

"I just feel sorry for any woman, whether she's poor or not, having to water down formula.  There are a lot of people in our country who don't qualify for WIC, yet are struggling big time to pay for formula.  Babies need food. Period. I think ALL babies should qualify for the food that they need to survive." -- four2008

"Times are tough for everyone. I don't understand how WIC is not enough for them. Maybe these people need to use the food pantry b/c WIC really isn't enough." - netlady

"My heart ached for this woman and her baby when I heard about this. Really, nobody tells you not to do this - and who would think or know that water would be harmful - I didn't know until I read it in one of the baby books. I hope she isn't vilified for it because that would not be kind at all. I really think (am assuming anyway) that it was purely an honest mistake, a case of really not knowing the dangers of water for a baby." -- jpo72

  

Others were, well, a little less forgiving:

"People can blame the economy all they want, but stupidity is stupidity. The directions for use on the formula cans are not 'suggestions' for use, they are directions." -- jenthebrat

Some moms wondered why there weren't other safeguards or educational programs in place for families relying on the WIC program -- and why a pediatrician wouldn't have noticed the child's failure to thrive, even if his mother did not. 

The news that the US is officially in a recession (straight from the "obvious" department, no less) didn't really throw anyone for a loop, as most folks have been experiencing their own personal recessions (official or not) for quite some time. With the holidays looming and an uncertain economic future ahead, iVillagers are discussing how they're planning to scale back their holiday celebrations. This trend, often touted as the "new frugality", has taken on a heightened sense of urgency for those used to a certain level of holiday spending, including many who prided themselves on lavish celebrations for friends and family.

An interesting parallel I've noticed in the comments from our community is that scaling back holiday spending and gifts -- whether a personal choice or economic necessity -- is having a positive benefit by forcing families to reassess what is most important about the holidays and putting the focus back on family and simple pleasures.

"Yes, we are cutting back. We are doing all handmade gifts this year and spending more of our free time (however little that is) on volunteer events." -- mom_westcoast

"I would like to try and focus more on the gift of time and service: making a batch of sugar cookies and decorating them to give to a neighbor, sorting through old toys and giving them to a local charity, taking time to write letters and draw pictures for missionaries and military." --crystal_voice

"I actually started cutting back last year. My kids would have so many presents under the tree they actually got bored opening them. So I cut it WAY back. By doing this the quality of each gift went up and required me to put a lot more thought into each item."-- weilandmom

"What I've learned is that in the absence of money I can lavish my children with one thing I still have to give... and that is attention." -- nellybly03

"When we did some harsh cuts a few years ago we never went back. It actually makes Christmas more fun for me and enjoyable for others." -- mutterauge

After getting over the initial adjustment, it seems that many are actually enjoying the holidays more by simply taking financial stress out of the equation.  

On the Frugal Living message board, mps721 wonders, "How do those of you with large families and not much money do Christmas? How can we celebrate Christmas without going bankrupt?"

It's no surprise that this is a question we're seeing a lot of in the community -- and it's not just on the minds of those with large families. Many are trying to cut back on holiday spending this year -- either due to economic caution or hardship caused by debt and job loss. Luckily iVillagers are at the ready with a multitude of tips and ideas for stretching any gift-giving budget -- or coping when there's really no budget at all. Many families are cutting back on the number of gifts, relying on the good old-fashioned name draw or white elephant gift exchange, or opting to put their funds toward one family gift everyone can enjoy. Most everyone agrees that this year part of the strategy is to adjust the expectations your family and friends have about presents.

If you don't want to give up on gifts but need some low-to-no-cost ideas, here are some fabulous ideas from our Frugal Living friends:

"Use a dollar store bowl, put some popcorn in it (unpopped, you can also buy it in bulk and bag it yourself), make a spice jar size container of popcorn seasoning (you can do different flavors for each kid, whatever their fave flavor is) and a certificate to pick out the movie at the rental store, or pick a movie to watch on TV or in your own movie collection, depending on your budget." -- karabella_mom

"Stockings: Keep it simple. Roll up a magazine, comic books or coloring book and tie off with ribbon.  This fills out the center of the stocking nicely. Add in a box of crayons for the one getting a coloring book and fill in with hard candies, gum, an individual bag of microwave popcorn, homemade granola, dried fruit and nuts. Add a new toothbrush and a travel-sized toothpaste in each child's favorite flavor." -- ma2connor
 

Women across the iVillage community are reacting to the tragic news that a Long Island Walmart employee was trampled to death in an early morning Black Friday melee that was fueled by out-of-control crowds and the hunt for holiday shopping bargains. Some iVillagers are annual Black Friday shoppers while others don't see the appeal -- but all agree this incident is a horrifying wake up call for consumers and retailers alike. One of the main questions that has been on the minds of many iVillagers is: who is to blame? The moms on the Frugal Families board offer their opinions:

"I partly blame the stores, too, because they will list an item at a great price and purposely only put 2 or 3 on the shelves. People know this and that is what prompts them to rush in and to the item they want." -- mommy2isaacandethan

"I don't think it is fair to put it on stores. So what if they only put 2 or 3 on the shelves?  It does not give people the right to act like idiots. The mob that went in, trampled on the man, etc. should have been detained and questioned and some charged with murder." -- mamak2002

"I do think stores should reconsider it. I also blame the media (local TV stations) because they have been hyping Black Friday for the last 10 years or so." -- cheaptrickfan

The members on the Hot Topics are in disbelief that a sale could create such a mob scene -- and question the priorities of holiday shopping:

"No amount of savings would induce me to confront such crowd conditions... It's not worth the risk to myself physically, and frankly, not worth the trouble. With the current deep recession, I understand the pressures on people to provide lots of great gifts for themselves or family, but where does it end? In insanity, as with the employee dying? Not worth the price. Not at all." -- gypsywolfwoman

"I can't imagine who would beat a door down to get into Walmart. Anyway, I think Walmart probably bears some responsibility in all this. And I hope the people who beat that door down are charged with manslaughter." -- tessmckenzie

Those on the Stepmoms vs. BioMoms Debate message board are at odds over who bears the real responsibility for this incident:

"Walmart was trying to close the store. I don't agree they were to blame. Not any more than the concert hall was to blame for those people getting trampled at that concert. They opened for business with sales... should they have hired a private SWAT team? There are people out there who crushed a man to death." -- sunshine_burn

"I think Walmart and all these other stores are 100% responsible for crowd control. They advertise outrageous sales and open their doors at 4:30 am. They need to have a better system to make sure that the first in line are let in first, like let 25 people in at a time every 2 min for the first hour so there are not 2000 people running for the $399.00 laptop (of which they only have 7 of) . People are desperate. People can get mean, the mob mentality can happen fast." -- bohemiangirll

"I agree it's a problem and crowds can get out of control. But if this was an expected and foreseeable consequence of having a sale then we'd expect it to have been a problem all over the country. There are about 4,100 Walmart stores in the USA. Should every one of them expected a crowd of 2,000 and had security to handle that? How many thousands of other retail stores had sales that day without incident?

If Black Friday were creating this kind of problem all over the country, we should have laws that apply to all retailers regarding crowd safety, which would probably kill Black Friday." -- harmony08

"I think that the responsibility for mob mentality lies with the general public and the store that created the craze. For the company, it's all about getting the maximum amount of shoppers in the store to buy SOMETHING regardless of how they do it." -- mommy2bof32007

What do you think? Are retailers responsible for providing adequate crowd control? Or are those who participated in the stampede to blame? Maybe a little of both? Share your thoughts here and let me know if you saw any similar incidents on Black Friday.

Times are tight for many due to the economic downturn as well as the holiday season. With the credit crunch, more Americans may be borrowing money from family and friends to get by. We recently polled iVillagers on the Dealing with In-Laws and Venting About Family & Friends message boards to get their opinions on borrowing from or lending to friends and family: 

"I wouldn't ask a friend for money. I would ask family -- but only if I was VERY and I mean VERY, VERY desperate. Honestly my DH would probably file bankruptcy rather than ask either of our families. We are very independent." -- imotherothers

"I don't think I would loan money to family. If really had to, I would ask my parents for $$, but that would be AFTER exhausting every other avenue of relief." -- cl-stretch123

"Borrowing money from me or my husband is longer an option! I've been burned by close family and it really hurts my feelings. They buy new clothes, cars, and everything else under the sun while they have an outstanding debt to me." -- pgr_523_2006

"My advice when approached by one of these people? Only lend money, secure/co-sign a debt or cover a debt with your own funds under the assumption you will never see those funds returned." -- mblade2006

"I have one very solid rule for giving or lending money to anyone, be they family or friend: if it's money I will miss from my budget or that I need a requirement of repayment -- the answer is NO. I will never co-sign for anyone." -- tattered_heart

"I make it a rule to never lend money to friends. I do have one girlfriend who is like a sister to me, and she is very financially responsible. We've been friends for years, so if she came to me needing a loan I would help her out as I know she would pay it back and only ask if she were desperate." -- sydney20072007

If you'd like to look into lending money to friends or family -- or you are thinking about borrowing from relatives, CNBC's Carmen Wong Ulrich weighs in on the new trend of peer-to-peer lending and the networks that help formalize these loans:

If you have a question you'd like Carmen to tackle, post it here in the comments or email us directly at ivcommunity@mail.ivillage.com

Watch Carmen Wong Ulrich's 'On The Money' Weeknights 9PM EST on CNBC! Find more information on coping with the economy with our Bail Yourself Out resources.