Suing the Other Woman
This week the Betrayed Spouses Support board has been buzzing with thoughtful talk and helpful information about a controversial topic: Suing "the other woman" for alienation of affection when your spouse has an affair—which in some cases has resulted in tens of thousands of dollars in damages being awarded to the betrayed spouse. The conversation started with a somewhat light-hearted call to arms, but quickly grew serious as the board weighed the pros and cons.
One big con: Suing the other woman may sound tempting, but it ain't exactly easy. seaofdenial, an iVillager who did her research, points out, "There are certain circumstances that must be met, i.e. legal separation and proof that your spouse was actively pursued... It is quite expensive and most good attorneys will inform you of that. Just a letter informing the 'OW' that she had placed herself in danger of legal action was going to cost about $1,800."
There's also the question of geography: cl-valhalla31z noted that only a handful of states even allow alienation of affection suits to be filed. "I also read that a lot of these cases get thrown out of court, because nowadays they figure the wayward spouse is mainly accountable for an affair (they ALLOW their affection to be alienated)."
As for the pros... For some women, the appeal of filing a suit has nothing to do with the money. radgirl333, who pursued legal action after an affair, remarked, "The money meant nothing... but there is something to be said for feeling just a small amount of satisfaction."
For others, however, money would be the main motivation—although not necessarily for the reasons you might assume: cl_solazzo writes, "For me suing for alienation of affection would be motivated by the material losses that may have occurred. Material losses in the sense that marital assets were used without my consent or joint assets depleted and given to the other person without my consent."
And lovemydog2500 brought up an intriguing angle: "It would be interesting to see how the other woman's husband handled a suit like this. If her family had to feel the pain too."
As lovinhockey17 points out, though, living well may truly be the best revenge. "My personal opinion is that just because someone doesn't take revenge on someone else doesn't mean they are doormats. I left and got on with my life and am leading a wonderful life and that is all the revenge I needed."
What do you think? If your spouse cheated, would you sue the other woman if you could? Do you feel that wandering spouses—and those who knowingly encourage spouses to "wander"—are not held sufficiently accountable for their actions? Or do you feel that suing the other woman is going too far? And just how much should our legal system overlap with our personal relationships, anyway?
Share your thoughts here. And be sure to join the live chat on this topic on the In The Loop site starting at 11:30 am EST on November 5.
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I have no personal experience in this, but a friend of mine went through a terrible ordeal a few years ago.
Her H got involved with a much younger woman that had been pursuing him for some time. The OW did everything in her power to make him leave his family. She even badmouthed his children (which she had never met) to him. She kept telling him that they were spoiled and that he shouldn't be spending so much money on them. He tried to end the affair, but she threatened to tell his wife. Finally, he broke down, confessed everything to his wife and begged her not to leave him. The OW then started calling him at home in the middle of the night, threatening his wife and even threatening to kill herself! She only stopped after the H had his lawyer threaten her with legal action.
She then started threatening to tell everyone in his business circle about the affair and asking him for money. After he did not give in, she exposed the affair, so he lost several clients and his business was almost ruined.
... (ctd.) Also, their teenage daughter found out about the affair and now she resents her dad and has insecurity issues. The H later found out that the OW was only after his money and that she had tried to find out the state of his finances before pursuing him. She had even contacted a real estate agent to find out the market value of his property!
His wife has been a saint through all this. She has made sure that her H knows that he has to work hard to save the marriage, but she has never shown anger against the OW.
If I were her, I would be dragging the OW to court for all the damage she's done. Women who knowingly pursue married men should be made accountable for their actions. This might discourage some women who go after married men for their money and care nothing for the pain they are causing to their families.
the amount of hyperlinks in your blog entries is overwhelming. I don't know what to look at!
I do have to say that at one time I was the OW and am very sorry that I was. I would not say that I was the one pursuing this man, but could not tell you what he would tell his wife. I do think to not hold the man accountable for his actions is sad. I am sure that there are some women who would think nothing of running after a married man and trying to get whatever it is that she wants out of the relationship, but ultimately in the end it is the hauband/wife who makes the decision to have the affair if an affair is had.
I think the no fault divorces should be eliminated. This would then hold the cheating spouse accountable for their actions. They should be punished for their actions. Just like a contract in the business world they broke a contract/vows when they cheated so they should have to pay somehow.
I agree with Robin. If the cheater were to have substiancial consequences for their behavior, then I think that it would greatly reduce divorces these days! It just may scare the cheaters straight!!
Going into an affair is a choice made by 2 people, not 1. I think that suing the other women/man doesn't really resolve anything. The cheating spouse is not an innocent victim. He/She made the conscious decision to cheat. It doesn't really matter if they were persued or not. If a person is stalking you then you need to report that to the police, not have a relationship with them.
I was cheated on by my fiance. He decided to date another girl who was known around the community as the "STD Spreader". Not only did I catch him, I caught him in time to keep myself from harm. She was out to hurt me emotionally (we had never liked each other) and take him for everything he was worth. He got what he deserved and now that he's left her, shes alone and in horrible health with no financial support either. Now I'm dating a wonderful man, who genuinely cares about me. Couldn't be happier, I guess thats what they mean when they say *things happen for a reason*.
I never have understood this. If my dh cheats, I'm blaming him. That's a decision he's made, no matter what sort of behavior the woman may have resorted to, in order to "get" him. It's easier to blame the other woman, yes. But I think it's delusional and only serves to make it harder to deal with the facts... and the facts say "he cheated WITH her" not "She made him do it"
Good for you Shanna! I'm glad yoou found someone better and more deserving of your time and attention.
I agree with Suz, I don't think the other woman is the only person to blame. Both the husband and the other woman have done wrong. But I don't think suing is the answer either.
To the best of my knowledge, the "other woman," generally speaking, never made any promises to the person cheated on -- unlike the cheating partner. I don't see why it would give me satisfaction to get back at the other woman, as I don't see her as the one who "did me wrong" so to speak. Ultimately, I expect only the person who committed something to me to be the one who protects that commitment, and the responsibility and consequences of cheating rest solely on that person's shoulders imo. Regardless of how tempting it might have been to make the wrong choice. Like, if I eat too much candy and get fat, it is not the candy store's fault for being so appealing, it is my fault for choosing to eat it. This almost makes it seem like the cheating partner had no ability to control his or her actions. So unless extreme circumstances are involved, It would not be my choice to sue the "other woman."
Hi there! Your site is cool!
i am biased on that opinion,I know alot of people (woemen0 at my work who seriously get off on making a man cheat with them. but also, it was the mans fault for giving into that temptation i believe that both should be punished the girls i work with have such low self esteem and tend to think that they are hotter when they steal someones man for a spell.
Call me old fashioned, but wouldn't the more appropriate thing be to sue your husband for divorce?! Isn't he the one who promised to love and forsake all others? Isn't he the one who broke the contract with you?
While I agree that it is morally reprehensible that a woman would cheat with a married man, I know if my man cheated I would kick him out and tell the OW he's her problem now!
I just found out 1 month ago that my husband of 4 years had an affair. Before this happened I always felt that the blame should always lie completely with the spouse who cheated. And I still do. But I have to tell you, I hate the other woman (even though I don't know her) and I want her to suffer. I want him to suffer too; I think losing me would do. But I also want her to suffer. I want her to know that her decision to have an affair with MY husband brought about more pain and anguish for me than I even knew possible, and I want her to feel responsible for being a low life person. And please don't get me wrong- my anger and hatred for her does not take away from my anger and hatred for my husband. And I know that in time I will forgive both so I can move on in peace, but I'm not there yet.
I think everyone is being sued over everything. Why sue? It's clear that if a spouse is cheating there is something wrong ot something missing in the marriage, if you look close enough the alienation probably started before the cheating. The spouse probably starting pulling away before he started pulling his pants dawn.I've been cheated on and I realized he wasn't there before he wasn't there.
I think several of you are missing the point. This is a discussion about the other woman not the man. Just because people have opinions about whether or not the other woman should be held acountable in some way does not mean that the wives are not holding their cheating spouses accountable. Stay on topic!
it makes me sick to see and watch this go on. to many people just dont care. do the women really care about what they are doing to the kids. my soon to be ex is spending all the money on her, erica and her son. when our 4 kids need stuff like food,water,gas a place to live. and the father is not doing his job as a dad. what do i tell the kids, no i am sorry i cant do that because i dont have the money or i am sorry that the lights are off,do you think she(erica) cares that his kids are doing without. ya i work, i dont make the money like he does. it has been about 3 years now and it is still going on because i just dont have the money for the divoce. so my thought on all of this is ya suing the other i agree with if i can i will she can pay for my divoce and she can have the looser. for the 20 years of of controlling,fighting and and all the other times that we had to do without because he was spending on her. she knew that he was married and she told me she didnt care. it is a game for her(she is not a women)when the game is overfor her and he has no money left she will move on to the next man. so becareful ladys.
my husband carried on a 2 yr affair with a girl in her 20's. she worked at the same place for 5 years. they were friends from the beginning. i found pictures, etc. i am very angry and hurt and don't know if i will ever get over this. i have been married 27 years. i have no intention of losing everything we built together (property, assets) even though i can't stand the sight of him. the ow has a spouse and 2 small children. she is scared that i will tell her husband. one of these days i am going to do that. she has helped to ruin my life because she did go after him hot and heavy. i can't stand the thought of them together. i hope my husband gets ill or something. i do want some payback. i can't forgive them.