Boo-Boo Economics
Is opting to be a stay at home mom a risky business? Of course there are the day to day struggles and the dangers of being eternally exhausted - not to mention ending up on the receiving end of projectile vomit, stray Legos and mountains of laundry. But are there bigger issues lurking under the surface for women who put their careers on hold for motherhood? Just when you think there couldn't be more to add to this long-running debate, enter The Feminine Mistake. Ostensibly a sardonic twist on Betty Friedan's Feminine Mystique, The Feminine Mistake offers a grave warning to moms who leave the breadwinning up to dad: by choosing to shelve your career, you are also shelving your ability to provide financially for your children in the event of being widowed or divorced. Author Leslie Bennetts discussed her book last week on the Today Show, and as you can probably imagine, it's stirred up quite a bit of discussion on our message boards.
Of course they're talking about this on the Feminism Today board. There's no shortage of opinions or side debates here:
"I'm so happy to see someone brave enough to publish this information. I've been saying this for years, it's a very unpopular position. I think every woman should know the economic risks to both herself and her children should she choose to be a stay at home parent."
"I think both parents ought to be capable of caring for their child(ren) (financially, physically, emotionally, etc.) on one's own should the other spouse suddenly be out of the picture for whatever reason."
"I'm grateful that my mother continued working so she could fund my college education, and so she could retire at age 57 and care for my ailing father, rather than having to continue to work and putting him in a nursing home. I'm failing to see how funding one's children's education and preparing for retirement so one's children don't need to support their parents in their old age can be considered selfish. If my mother had chosen to SAH, I certainly would have paid the price -- literally."
"Too many kids are being raised by outside forces such as daycare programs and after care. Kids end up away from home more than they are in it. If this can be avoided society as a whole will benefit. Kids are worth the risk and sacrifice. "
The responses on the Current Debates board tend to be less forgiving to Bennetts, but the reactions vary:
"As far as what I've read so far in that book, I find it very fear based and "what if" based and I don't think that's anyway to live your life. There are many benefits to staying at home and although she might cringe at the idea it works well for a lot of families."
"After seeing the interview with Ann Curry, I have no doubt author Bennetts is simply trying to hit the best-seller list. She has to be aggressive and closed-minded to SAHMs."
"Every mother has to make those kinds of choices for themselves and if you are happy working outside the home then do it, if you want to be a SAHM and can make it work, that's wonderful. To say that Motherhood is a Feminine Mistake is very offensive to me."
"Even women who choose to stay home should know the possible consequences, and take steps to minimize their impact on their families, and their own future lives. Unfortunately it has become taboo to bring up any possible negative consequences of choosing to stay home. It's "an attack on the family"."
Family finances are a big topic on the Frugal Living message board and the moms there offer their own experiences and worries regarding staying at home and planning a future:
"I think everyone must take into account her own goals. I agree that completely relying on a husband (or anyone) to take care of you forever is a mistake."
"I think ultimately it's extremely difficult when divorce, death or disability happens and it doesn't matter whether you are at home or working full-time."
"Don't come into being a SAHM or an adult for that matter without a plan for the things in life that can take us by surprise."
"I think every mom needs a back up plan. I have a graduate degree and I worked full time before my daughter was born. The plan was for me to stay home full time. Then our financial situation changed and I had to go back to work part time when our daughter was 18 months old. A short time later DH and I separated and I had to go back to work full time. It's not what I planned."
For even more on the book and the debate, you can catch an exclusive interview with Bennetts right here on iVillage. What are your thoughts? Is The Feminine Mistake an important wake-up call for moms? Or just a superfluous missive of doom and gloom? Chime in here with your reactions and share your own experiences on this issue.
0 TrackBacks
Listed below are links to blogs that reference this entry: Boo-Boo Economics.
TrackBack URL for this entry: http://beehive.ivillage.com/system/mt-tb.cgi/943
I haven't read the book yet, but from what I've seen in print & interviews, she has a point. Choosing to stay at home adversely affects your earning potential, both in amount you earn or don't earn during your time at home and in the missed opportunities for advanced training and promotions - if - you were planning a career where advancements are even possible. From what I see the book really doesn't take into account the fact that many women who are hoping to become sahm may not be choosing careers where that's an issue. For ones that are and do, I think they make a conscious decision to sah, knowing that their income and their career options will be different when/if they choose to go back to work.
It's a scary message but it's probably a realistic one. I don't think it means that women HAVE to work, they just have to have a plan for what they'd do if they had to support their family. For some women (like those with a teaching or law degree to fall back on), they know they've got a safety net. But counting on alimony or child support is probably a mistake. The stats show that three years post-divorce, the ex-wife's standard of living has radically declined, but the man's standard of living goes up by about 20%.
Maybe I'm unusual among at-home moms, but I have "done the math" to see if I could make it if we got a divorce or if DH was disabled or killed. It's never the SAME standard of living, but I can always figure out how to do it.
I think it's actually a positive exercise because it lets me KNOW that I'm CHOOSING to stay with my husband, not that I am dependent on staying with him.
I think you can combine Bennett's book and Suzy Orman's into a great book of advice for women - if you choose to stay at home, as I have done, then you DO give up a lot. That's not to say that it's not worth every sacrifice, but you DO run the risk of problems should the unthinkable - divorce, death, etc. - happen later down the road. So, the smart thing would be to try to keep yourself marketable should you ever need a job, and to open an account for yourself as Suzy advised previously on the Today Show. That way, IF something happens, you're prepared, and if it doesn't, then you can use the money you've saved towards something fun you can do with your spouse when you're 90, or leave it to the kids for whom you gave up your career in the first place. ;-)
Hey, Coco, I've had people tell me that I'm lucky that hubby "lets" me stay at home, and I, too, have done the math to prove to myself - and to them - that he's not "letting" me, I'm CHOOSING to stay at home.
I think most women measure the risk when deciding to stay home and think of all of the "what ifs" that could come along. If we make sure we keep ourselves marketable (via refresher courses, certification updates, etc.), make sure our finances are in order (including having savings/lines of credit in our own name, adequate life insurance on dh) we'll be fine.
I must agree with KLyn, I knew the risks when I chose to SAH, and I prepared for the worst-case scenario as best I could (lots of disability and life insurance on DH, keeping my skills current, etc).
If men leave the work force when they become fathers, they will suffer some of the same issues as women suffer. The climate in the corporate world needs to change and the people who need it to change need to find a way to force the change. As long as there are people willing to work 60-80 hour weeks, as long as there is age descrimination, things will stay the same. You can have this discussion forever. If you are not willing to change the situation, then have your husband stay home while you climb the corporate ladder or don't have kids. The situation won't change itself. Write books about how to CHANGE the way American business treats working families. There are enough books about how wrong and unfair this situation is.