February 2007 Archives
Hi there, girls and bees. Just wanted to post a little good-bye here. Yes, your faithful Beehive blogger is moving on from iVillage. Someone else may take over this blog, or the blog itself might change slightly -- I don't know what will happening here in the coming days and months, but I'm sure it will be something great.
Over the past seven months, this blog has been a unique, ever-evolving nexus of the iVillage message board community, blogs, and current events -- whatever women are buzzing about each day. It's been an interesting experiment, and I've sure had fun. The iVillage community has proven itself once more to be one of the most vibrant, warm, and thought-provoking places on the Internet. Thanks to everyone who's read, commented, and sent in great message board posts!
And don't forget to check out our message boards main page to see all the iVillage community has to offer!
-Amy
Ah, 3 o’clock in the afternoon. My grade school let out at 3:05pm, and I still think of that as being this magical time -- redolent of relief and exhaustion and the release from school to extra-curricular activities or after-school jobs -- and I haven’t been in grade school for many a year, let me tell you. Getting out at 3 almost felt like a god-given right, as natural and as right as having summers off. What if school didn’t let out until 5pm, or later? (Or went – gasp – through the summer?!) We’d be like…like…Europe and Japan, where school kids seem to, on average, achieve at a higher level than they do on here. Right? Or is it that simple?
Schools across the nation are considering lengthening the school day, according to this story. “On average, U.S. students go to school 6.5 hours a day, 180 days a year, fewer than fewer than in many other industrialized countries...schools [experimenting with longer hours] typically serve low-income middle-school students, and their test scores show success. Students generally go from 7:30 a.m. to 5 p.m. during the week and for a few hours every other Saturday. They also go to school for several weeks in the summer.”
Moms on the Christian Family Life board are discussing this story: “My gut reaction is that I don't like it - they already spend enough hours away from home, but then some of the courses they're offering are kind of neat, so it would maybe be good for the kids whose parents are at work until that hour anyway so they're not just going home alone."
“I am not in favor of it either. How will kids be able to do their extra curricular activities...hmmm, maybe at 8 or 9pm…”
Then again, as one mom points out, “This offers the parents the opportunity to work a full day without the need to think about childcare before and after school.”
Over on the Current Debates board, they’re also discussing this story. One mom posts: “Yeah, that's JUST what kids need. Add some extra time to the school day, plus umpteen hours of homework...just when will kids have a chance to be kids? Around here, they're cutting out PE, recess, art classes, etc., and piling on the homework. No Child Left Behind is a joke. I'm home schooling my kids.”
And another chimes in: “I just wonder when kids have time to just be kids. Why does every minute of every day need to have a specific ‘program’?”
Of course, there’s another side to the story. "I live in Massachusetts where they are experimenting with extended school days. The areas where they are experimenting with extended school days are inner city neighborhoods. The typical kid in these neighborhoods live with a single parent, who (at best) has a low paying job. They live in a triple-decker with (at best) a small patch of grass in the back. There is nowhere to play…I have to laugh when I read comments like ‘When do they have time to be a kid?’”
Does it all come down to class?
What do you think?
Heh. Heh. They’re saying “scrotum.”
Have you heard about this story ? Basically, this year’s winner of the most prestigious children’s literature award, the Newbery Medal, is being banned by school libraries all across the country. Because it contains the word “scrotum.” According to the article, “The book’s heroine, a scrappy 10-year-old orphan named Lucky Trimble, hears the word through a hole in a wall when another character says he saw a rattlesnake bite his dog, Roy, on the scrotum.” The author (who’s a LIBRARIAN, hello) Susan Patron, “said she was stunned by the objections. The story of the rattlesnake bite, she said, was based on a true incident involving a friend’s dog. And one of the themes of the book is that Lucky is preparing herself to be a grown-up, Ms. Patron said. Learning about language and body parts, then, is very important to her. ‘The word is just so delicious,’ Ms. Patron said. ‘The sound of the word to Lucky is so evocative. It’s one of those words that’s so interesting because of the sound of the word.’"
Sounds pretty interesting to me, and pretty darn innocent. The book is written for 9-12 year olds, who, sorry, but this day and age, know what scrotums are, I’m guessing.
Here’s what iVillagers on the Current Debates board are saying:
“Rolling my eyes right into the back of my head. The things that get people's knickers in a twist!”
“I'm sorry to say that this doesn't surprise me. It's perfectly fine for ‘quality literature’ to mention breasts and other female parts, but once you start messing with men's ‘jewels,’ well, people get touchy. This is both sexism and censorship. And as a Christian, I get really annoyed when people call something that God made ‘dirty.’ He certainly did not call it so.”
“So glad this got posted somewhere. I have to say, in defense of many friends, relatives and colleagues, I don't know *ANY* librarian who buys into censorship or book banning. Quite the opposite, as a matter of fact. It annoys me that they interviewed those who play into the usual stereotype. WRT the book and the word: what a ridiculous to-do over nothing.”
Well, seems pretty unanimous. These moms see no problem with the use of the word in the book. I just know that any time a book starts getting censored, it really raises my hackles. Why is this even an issue?
Isn't it unfair the way guys can eat like pigs, guzzle beer, and still stay skinny as rails? Okay, I know it's not ALL guys. But still, I'm not the only woman in the world with a husband who thinks "kale" is a nonsense word. That's why I love the thread over on the 100 or More Pounds to go board, where one iVillager is asking, "Why is it I go great for couple days and then when weekend comes and hubby's home I go backwards? I seem to do ok during the week because I'm busy at school and running errands. Am I the only one have hard time sticking to diets when their significant other or dear husband is home?"
I'm going to go ahead and say no, she's not the only one. You know how you go out with your girlfriends and nibble at salads and sip white wine and brag about how much you just worked out? And then how you go home and plop on the couch next to your guy and start snarfing down the pepperoni pizza he ordered? No? Oh yeah, me neither.
Another iVillager responds: "I have a similar problem...On the weekends, it's the whole winding-down mood; everything is relaxed including my willpower. Also, I think many of our events and 'bonding' is around food. We never get to eat together during weekdays, and on the weekend, it's a feast LOL."
And: "I have the SAME problem."
Here's one exceptionably sensible and even-keeled response: "This used to be the case, but really decisions are really up to the individual. My husband is kind and will offer to get me some of whatever he is having. I can say no or ask for an alternative and he will gladly get that for me instead. My husband does all the cooking at my house and he likes some high fat things, but he always makes plenty of vegetables and buys plenty of fruit so it really is up to me what I put on my plate. If it's exercise that's the issue, invite him for a walk or a hike at a local park or bowling. Lots of ways to give yourself movement and be together."
Easier said than done... but still, very good advice. Especially with regards to exercising together. Don't you think?
What about you?
Given the insane amount of news that Ms. Spears has been generating lately, this Parents Without Borders message board thread seems like an apt one. One mom asks, “Ever feel like Britney Spears? I mean, have you even been judged and/or criticized for your parenting style/choices?”
Lots of interesting responses:
“When my daughter was about 2 my dad signed us up for a mom and me music class at the Hingham Conservatory of Music. The town was incredibly wealthy, and I was just barely 23. I will never forget the looks of disdain and contempt after they found out that I was the mother, not the nanny. I hated it and not one person would talk to me. So, yes, I think I can relate somewhat to being judged by others. Britney Spears is no different than any other young mom, or any other woman who finds herself newly divorced, and newly free!”
Okay, I think that was written before the whole head-shaving, in and out of rehab phase (way back when Brit was making headlines for partying and crotch-flashing – remember those days? Um, a week ago?) But still… the poster has a point. Britney is still really young – and just got divorced, don’t forget.
“Regarding Britney, I have no opinion because I am not in her circumstances and I have not walked in her shoes. I have no idea what goes on in her daily life so who am I to determine whether she is a good or bad parent?”
“I have gotten flack from people for certain things I will or will not let my daughters do. Like, the pharmacist the other day thought I was just evil for not letting my then 13 month old have a LOLLIPOP!!”
“I've been criticized a LOT on the Expecting Club because of my parenting beliefs, but I've not really put them into practice yet since the little squirt is still inside me.”
“In my area, it just seems like all of the SAHM's are very wealthy and I kind of feel like they are judging my car, clothes etc.”
Have you ever been criticized for your parenting? Do you feel scrutinized as a mom? Do tell.
What has the power to make you laugh on a dreary Tuesday after a long weekend?
How about a kid named "Syphilis"?
On the Child-Free by Choice board, they're sharing the craziest kids' names they've ever heard. Diamond... Kennedy -- spelled Kenadie...and one of our former teachers here on the boards emailed me to add Vendetta, Tequila Sunrise, Exxon and Taurus.
Oh my.
Do you love the hyper-unusual, creatively spelled name? Or does it drive you nuts? What's the craziest name being called out on your playground?
What's the weirdest name you've ever heard?
According to AP, “An Air Force drill sergeant who posed nude for Playboy magazine has been removed from active duty, she and the Air Force said Wednesday. Michelle Manhart, who appeared in a six-page spread in Playboy's February issue, said she got word Friday that she was removed from ‘extended active duty’ and was also told that she was demoted from staff sergeant to senior airman.” Which, to me, brings up the question: What happens to Air Force sergeants who read Playboy all the time, and really enjoy it? My guess: nothing.
Okay, okay, I know it’s different. And it sounds like the main issue was that she posed in uniform. (And, um, not in uniform.) The Air Force’s argument being that she is representing their organization in ways they disagree with. I do understand this. iVillage got all upset when I posed nude wearing only my iVillage visor. (That is a joke. Please. I don’t even have an iVillage visor.)
A while back, when this story first appeared in the news, we asked, “Should the Air Force staff sergeant who posed in Playboy be permanently relieved of her duties?” Almost 2,000 iVillagers responded, and 72% said that no, she should not be.
What do you think now that she’s been demoted? Fair? Unfair? Should she have known better? Can you believe she’s a 30 year old mother of 2? (Does that change how you feel about her choice to pose in the nude?)
This also brings up an issue that's been a big one lately -- how much should your personal life affect your job? Do you know someone who's been fired for their blog or MySpace page? New York Magazine recently ran an interesting article about today's youth and the loss of privacy -- many of the young people interviewed seem completely comfortable having their personal lives readily available via Google. But will they one day regret it? (Say, when their bosses find their LiveJournals, maybe?)
What's your take?
I’m fascinated by this new American Sociological Review study which finds that “couples who adopt spend more money on their children and invest more time on such activities as reading to them, eating together and talking with them about their problems.” Are adoptive parents actually better parents than biological ones? According to the article, “’One of the reasons adoptive parents invest more is that they really want children, and they go to extraordinary means to have them,’ Indiana University sociologist Brian Powell, one of the study's three co-authors, said in a telephone interview Monday. ‘Adoptive parents face a culture where, to many other people, adoption is not real parenthood,’ Powell said. ‘What they're trying to do is compensate. ... They recognize the barriers they face, and it sets the stage for them to be better parents.’”
How interesting, right? I couldn’t help but think of Angelina Jolie’s recent comments about her adoptive kids vs her biological daughter. I know it was controversial, but I really thought what she said seemed refreshingly candid. "I think I feel so much more for Madd and Zee because they're survivors, they came through so much," Jolie told U.K. Elle. "Shiloh seemed so privileged from the moment she was born. I have less inclination to feel for her...I met my other kids when they were 6 months old, they came with a personality. “
Over on the In Vitro (IVF) board, the topic of the week is adoption, and some interesting points are coming up.
One mother writes: “My opinions have changed. I will start the adoption process in the fall if my FET(s) fail. I think I was questioning my own abilities to be a good mother before dear son, and that's why it bothered me that someone might come judge me. However, I know dear husband and I are very capable of being great parents, and the home visits don't bother me any more.”
“DH and I are definitely not opposed to adoption. Here are a few of my concerns. It's not so much the home inspection process as the time it takes to go through the whole adoption process. I am 42 and don't really want to start being a parent at the age of 45+. Also, in American adoptions, you hear so much about the birth mom coming back a year or two later and trying to reclaim the child. Scary!!”
“We are in the process of trying to adopt right now…I was not ok with even the idea of adoption during the beginning of my IF journey and I really think that I had to go through everything I did over the last 5 years to get to where I am today… I really wanted to try everything I could to have a bio child. I couldn’t imagine my life without having a baby and then I just got to the point that being a Mommy was what was important to me -- not becoming pregnant.”
Anyway. So, is it possible that adoptive parents really are better parents, because they’ve had to work so hard for their parenthood? After all, you have to jump through a lot of hoops and endure a lot of scrutiny to be allowed to adopt.
Would you ever adopt? Or if you have adopted – do you think adoptive parents are different from biological parents? Do they love their adopted children more fiercely because of all they’ve been through? Or is the basic experience of parenthood the same, no matter how it happens?
PS - For more on adoption, check out the articles and information here.
And the countdown to V-Day begins…
Which means it’s time to ‘fess up. On our new Looking for Lost Loves board, cmangelak asks: “Have you ever Googled an old flame? Looked them up on MySpace? Did you contact them? If so, how did it go? If not, what held you back?”
Some responses: “Yes I have. In fact I tried many times to find the love of my life over the years. 20 years to be exact. I never had any luck in locating him though. But, as fate would have it, he found me instead.”
“Yes. It's horrible to say but I'm almost stalker-like in the way I do it. I did find a current address, and did one of those searches where you can see the area from a ‘bird's eye view’”
“I did a long time ago...about 2 years after the last time I saw him. It is kind of a complicated story.”
“I found my Love after 10 yrs apart. I'm in a relationship that is very unhappy but I am a stay-at-home mom with no money except what he gives me. How could I file for a separation or divorce if I don't have $$$$$$$$? So I am thinking ... well, you could look him up and see if he has moved on or is still thinking of you. In my situation, he had never stopped thinking of me.”
“Yes, I did find my high school sweetheart, after 17 years of separation. It happened this last September… It was almost frightening, the speed of which we rekindled the old flame. Here's the rub...I've been married for 13 years, with 2 children, and he is also married with children. We ended up having a very intense emotional and physical affair.”
And people, it just keeps going.
What about you? Have you ever cyber-stalked a former flame? What happened when you sent him that MySpace friend request (or added him to – gasp – your top 8?!) C’mon…admit it…
Uh, apparently someone named “Anna Nicole Smith” died today?
I don’t know about where you are, but over here no one can talk about anything but Anna. Anna, Anna, Anna. Lisa Nowak who? Seriously, not to downplay either of these sad sad stories, but I’m thinking the “astronut” is feeling a little bit of relief right now… she’s been wiped right off the news!
I’m impressed by how mixed responses to Anna Nicole’s death are. Here’s what iVillagers are saying on the In the News board…
“Wow! I'm not a fan of hers, but she was a mother with a 5-month-old baby, and this is so sad for the baby. Her son died last September. So the baby has no brother and no mother. I'm sure details will be all over the news this evening.”
“I'm not a fan either, but she was so young!...I know she was a spokesman & client for TrimSpa...I wonder if the fact that she took that diet aid contributed to this? Just thinking...no other info! I just remember some of the uproar about diet drugs & diet aids in the past.”
On the 20-Something Hangout:
“Unbelievable.”
“I was rather shocked. I mean, her whole life has been a bizarre rollercoaster, but it is sad that it ended when she has such a young daughter :(“
From the Expecting Clubs…
“So tragic, it just seems like her whole life has been one big tragedy. I feel for her little girl.”
“ 'Erases everything she wanted to say for fear of a lynch mob' ” (Sassy!)
Obviously everyone thinks this is sad for the poor little girl. Can you imagine? She’s only, what, six months old?
What was your first response to this news? Is it a terrible tragedy? Or did you sort of see something like this coming, given the weirdness of her life? Weigh in!
"I want to talk about the astronaut!" posts one iVillager on the Working Mothers board. "Does anyone else wonder how well astronauts are screened for mental illness?"
Yes, there's a good question for you. In case you haven't heard (or were too busy filling the trunk of your car with rubber hosing and pepper spray while wearing astro-diapers to read or watch the news), NASA astronaut Lisa Nowak (a 43 year-old mother of 3) "was charged a day earlier in Florida with attempted murder of the woman she believed was her romantic rival for a space shuttle pilot's affections. Nowak is also charged with attempted kidnapping and three other crimes...According to police, Nowak, wearing diapers, drove 900 miles from Houston to Orlando to confront Colleen Shipman, who arrived in Orlando aboard a plane Monday. Nowak disguised herself in a wig and trenchcoat, approached Shipman's car and sprayed her with pepper spray, authorities said. Nowak had all the tools necessary — tape, a knife, a BB-gun, a steel mallet, garbage bags and other items — to kill the woman, police said." Talk about going over the deep end.
One poster responds: "She's married and has 3 kids, for goodness sakes - it is inconceivable what she did. I feel so sorry for her husband and kids. I just read that she got out on bail."
And another: "Very sad for her family but I also think astronauts live in this very insular work, their lives are so different from the average person that I'm sure its bound to have an effect on them and some are less capable of handling it than others."
And I love this response: "I subscribe to the Helen Fisher theory of a lot of chemicals floating around in the brain and brain parts getting stimulated when one starts to feel 'love.' I read that the psychological screening for astronauts is pretty rigorous. But I don't think they check for the situations where all these 'love' chemicals are floating around." Note to NASA: Start screening more rigorously for 'love' chemicals.
What do you think? What made her snap? Can you imagine yourself ever going this crazy for love (or jealousy)?
We've all had annoying neighbors. Growing up, my next-door neighbors somewhat inexplicably had roosters that woke me every morning with cock-a-doodle-doos blaring across our quiet suburban lawns. More recently, I had an upstairs neighbor with a pension for midnight techno parties and a gait that earned him the nickname "Heavy Foot."
It's not just the noise that makes a bad neighbor obnoxious, of course. On our new Hot Topic: Love Thy Neighbor? board, posters are revealing a whole spectrum of ways in which neighbors can grate on your nerves. Seriously, this board is like a manual for how to be the worst neighbor ever.
"My neighbor is a 60-year-old child... He is the kind of fellow that lives for all the world to see. Window blinds open and all the lights on in his house. In the summertime, he wears 'daisy dukes' and sits on his patio blaring terrible music while surveying the neighborhood. One neighbor calls him The Mayor as he is into everyone else's business." Uh -- he's 60 and wears daisy dukes?! That deserves some sort of award. Does he look good in them, at least?
"We had a neighbor who wasn't always awful but who also put out food scraps in her backyard, right against the chain link fence we shared with her. The exterminator said that was the cause of rats in our house, her house, and the houses directly behind us."
"I have two terrible, nosy neighbors. One of which comes running outside with blatant curiosity and eavesdrops whenever hubby and I are having an argument after a drive (we argue a lot in our car)."
Good neighbors can make all the difference in the world, can't they? But the bad ones... yeesh.
There’s been a lot of buzz lately on the whole Tyra Banks thing. You know, like how she’s totally horribly fat now (read= not model proportions, maybe, but still skinnier than most people you’ll encounter on planet earth). After tabloids printed unflattering photographs of her with increasingly bizarre, insulting headlines (Ok, America’s Next Top Waddle was at least kind of funny – but Tyra Porkchop? I’m still scratching my head over that one), Banks lashed back.
And now our boards are responding.
“I am on the fence on this one. For starters, yes 161 lbs at 5.10 is a healthy weight, but I am not so sure I feel sorry for her. I mean this is a woman who has made millions of dollars by perpetuating an ideal that is not realistic for most women. I have seen her on America's Next Top Model telling women they need to be a certain body type etc in order to succeed in the industry…On the other hand, she has also said that now that she is not a model she can eat like a normal person, which goes to show that these tiny models are not living life as the average women, that they are going outside the norm to create their bodies.”
“I don't feel sorry for Tyra ... America's Next Top Model is one of my indulgences, and I think Tyra is quite hypocritical (not to mention she's gotten meaner to the girls every season and has become this drag-queen-looking diva), because she always acts like she's 'pro' plus-size models and will have about one girl per season on there who's 'plus-size' (read: normal), but that girl is always kicked off because she's 'just too heavy to do runway' or something like that…Any woman (even the ones who are thinnest naturally) once she gets into her mid-20s, will simply not be able to stay that thin without starving herself (since women are MEANT to have a decent amount of body fat). That's why models' careers are generally so short-lived.”
"She's definitely not FAT. Even in the unflattering pictures of her she doesn't appear FAT to me. I wish to be that fat." I hear that.
What do you think?
It's the debate that just won't stop! First there was the New York Times article. Then there was the Today show segment. And now, a whole new round of buzziness.
The core of the controversy? Mothers who indulge in a cocktail or two while their children have playdates. Or that's how this whole thing started, anyway. Now it's become a kind of convoluted mess where every mom in the world is feeling defensive for some reason or another.
What are iVillagers saying?
One mom writes: "Personally - well, I'm not much of a drinker period so I wouldn't do it anyhow. I hope that no one is drinking and driving - that would be unconscionable! But even if everyone can walk, I still don't get it - why mix drinking with kids? Why not have a girls night out when the moms can drink and leave the kids at home?"
Here's another: "I don't think anyone who is looking after children should be drunk...Most people are also HORRIBLE judges of HOW intoxicated they are."
And: "I'm all for the playdates but not sure that consuming alcohol in the middle of the day is really appropriate. I guess it all is dependant on what time they are being held, how many drinks ect.. but not sure it's a good idea."
"Just another example of the type of scrutiny were are under because we hold the title of 'mother.'...Isn't this all exhausting??? I'm so sick, sick, sick of this!!! This nut-case is going to get a glass of Cabernet right now!!!"
That one makes me chuckle.
Why has this become such a raging debate, do you think?
Edited to add: Just came across this interesting rundown of mom-centric message boards. Where do the iVillage message boards fall into the spectrum, do you think? Brutal as Urban Baby? Welcoming as Mommy Talk? Hmm.
It's a topic that's been an especially buzzy one for a while now, from this hilarious New York magazine article on "Grups" to Neil Pollack’s recently released memoir Alternadad. What happens when hipsters procreate?
madryns_mum posts on the January ’05 Peanut Gallery: “This describes so many people I see walking down the street every day. Not me, though; my kid truly is cool! LOL...”
The article in question is “Hey, Diaper Dad, you're so not cool,” from the Globe and Mail. It includes such snarktacular gems as “Brace yourself, dude. Generation X, that misanthropic mass of marginally employed slackers, has finally started to reproduce. They have traded in their beat-up Volkswagens and New York Dolls T-shirts for bigger beat-up Volkswagens and baby New York Dolls T-shirts. They go to play groups, wipe vomit off contemporary sofas and spend hours moshing with toddlers to the latest Killers album.” And: “Alternaparents think that they're the first generation who decided to maintain their identities after giving birth. They think getting their kids to rock out to the Hives is revolutionary.”
Some of the responses: “Sometimes I feel 16 and look in disbelief at my daughter and wonder where she came from. But when we're at the mall with the stroller, I'm sure everyone accepts that I am just another mom like all the rest of them. How mundane is that?”
“I mean on one hand when I was 16 I recall seeing little babies that were all punked out and thinking how cute, and cool their parents must be.... but being that boring parent now... I could care less about trying to intentionally raise Seine in believing she is some Goddess by sporting a mini Nirvana shirt.”
“I didn't have a family with the intentions of raising a cool kid.... I had a family with the intention to raise a giving, responsible, loving member of society. That must make me like way un- hip.”
The overall consensus seems to be that it seems a little silly to try to make your kid into a baby hipster, and it’s a good point. Still, I must admit that I can get a little drooly when I see those Ramones onesies. Pretty freaking cute, man.
