Writing Our Own Stories
My esteemed colleague Josey and I attended a fascinating forum last night called Between Two Worlds, organized by Sanctuary for Families, a New York organization that provides support for victims of domestic violence. Yes yes, hobnobbing with Dan Rather, Richard Holbrooke and Karenna Gore Schiff (erm, if by hobnobbing with, you mean "watching from afar") -- all part of a day's work around here.
Anyway, the panelists discussed the unique challenges faced by immigrant victims of domestic abuse. Think about it: these women find themselves plunged into a new world, often unable to speak the language, severed from their support systems and extended families. Many have been through unspeakable traumas. Many lack proper documentation. Many simply don't have any idea of what resources exist to help them, and, as one of the panelists pointed out, if they live in areas without public transportation, it's possible that they can't even access what resources there are. All this, and their abusers are oftentimes the one and only person they know in this whole country. Talk about having the deck stacked against you.
A recurring theme of the evening was that while as much as the details of specific women's stories may vary, depending on their countries of origin and particular situations, there are even more ways in which their stories are shared. One panelist, the charismatic Beth Silverman-Yam of Sanctuary for Families, spoke of the aspects of the experience of domestic abuse that all survivors share -- the deep pain, the fear, the feeling of isolation. Part of being traumatized, as she said, is that you often lose the ability to trust yourself, to believe in yourself, to tell your own story. It's important to be able to shape your story into a narrative.
All of which, naturally, made me think of our own community, and the survivors of domestic abuse who have found a support network within iVillage. All the panelists spoke about the importance of helping women who have been abused to find a support system, whether it's legal council they need, or simply a community of friends.
So how does all of this relate to us?
I love what Josey posted on the Domestic Violence boards here. She points out that even simple things like t-shirts for young women with messages like, "Who needs a brain when you have these?" can be agents of negativity. "What is pop culture in this part of the world teaching our young boys about the way they should treat women as adults? What should we be doing differently as a society?"
What do you think? Is there a connection between the messages our society and pop culture telegraph to women and the continued growth of domestic violence?
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I think dear thats the way every man thinks his way out of " Macho--ism"
its not only the immigrant women who are abused but also the local ones....every recessive being has to pay a price in this survival of the " strongest"
I think there is a direct connection between how women are treated, what is accepted and expected in terms of treatment and what is portrayed as "okay" in the media; it continues to be a huge problem. As long as bad behavior is not only tolerated but glamorized as we see news media rush to 'report' celebrity misbehavior as news/tabloids/talkshows fete all the parties involved, rather than vilifying the ones that should be considered perpetrators of disrespect, degradation and in many cases even abuse. We're each ultimately responsible for the tons drivel we can't seem to get enough of - the "truthiness" of what passes for news these days and the rush to iconify the famous and infamous as being "role models" when they're really nothing of the sort. We celebrate misbehavior and obsess over celebrities every moves, while the newsworthy causes are left to wither away in a forgotten corner because 'nobody's interested in hearing about that'. It's time we take a closer look at the damage this may be doing, imo.
As a survivor of domestic violence, it was actually the media that made me realize that what I was going through was not right with the Count to Ten ads. A bigger disservice to women is the legal system when we have judges who will tell a rape victim that she deserved to be raped based upon her clothing; a family court judge who will tell a survivor of domestic violence that it wasn't as bad as she made it appear; when we have crooked cops who think that it is their RIGHT to hit their wives and children because they know that their fellow cops won't speak out against them. The media doesn't influence people as much as we'd like to think.
I agree that the media doesn't do as much of a disservice to women as does society as a whole. Disrespect and anger are recurring themes in today's society which seems to suffer from an overall lack impulse control and therefore gorges, if you will, on the things that can cause the most harm.
I work with Teens to prevent Relationship/Domestic violence. It is a pervasive problem that we are facing as violence is glorified in the media, movies, TV and generally everywhere you look. The teens think it is cool to be tough and aggressive and give little thought to what it is doing to anyone but themselves. I teach conflict resolution, how to deal with jealousy and anger, stress reduction and the difference between a good relationship and a bad one. I grew up in a family with lots of Domestic Violence and I actually thought that was the norm for many years. So...it is my goal to make sure that no one ever believes that battering or abusing another person is the norm for a family or for someone you love. Keep up the good work and we will continue to be commited to ending Domestic Violence everywhere.