Where is the Love?
Can a marriage survive without romance? This is the topic of one of our newest boards. On it, nmsweetie posts: “I've been reading a lot about relationships lately...especially regarding the idea that women's expectations are wrong. We shouldn't EXPECT to be "romanced" once we’re in a long term-relationship. They say things like the initial romantic stage transitions into something else...but what is wrong with needing a little romance!!?”
What follows is an outpouring of personal stories, and some of these are real heartbreakers. Whenever there is a post having to do with romance-less marriages on one of our message boards, what surprises me most is the tone of the responses, which by and large tend to sound something like, “Oh yeah, of course. I don’t love my husband that way anymore, and he doesn’t love me that way either.” The resignation, the “of course.” It’s sad! I mean, of course a marriage mellows out from the initial lusty business… but do we really have to live our whole lives without romance?
Here are some of the stories.
“I was married before I met [my current husband], and by all accounts that marriage was successful. We had two perfect children together, we bought a house and made a home, we did things together as a family every weekend, he brought me flowers on Valentine's Day, even bought me a beautiful diamond ring... he did all the right things to make me feel good, but none of it worked because I didn't love him romantically. I felt like I was numb- I should be feeling so happy and alive and fulfilled, and I just felt sad and lonely. Leaving him was the best thing I ever did for myself and for my family. It was the hardest and worst thing, too, but I don't regret it for even a second. We were too young to understand how important it is to be true to oneself, and once I got the courage to lovingly let him go and free myself, I knew it was the right thing to do.
Here's the thing- in my first marriage, even when things were going GREAT and we were *happy*, I still felt so sad and lost. In my second marriage, when things are horrible and I feel like the world is ending because of financial or health issues or whatever... when we hit those horrible low spots that happen in a normal marriage, I still feel so blessed to be with my husband. I just don't feel lonely or lost, ever.”
“I talked to DH yesterday about it. He was adamant that ‘things change’ after a while, and that's just how it is. I asked him why that had to be. I reminisced about how nice it was when we were dating, and how nice it felt to be wanted and loved, and I asked him what romance meant to him. He said ‘flowers, limo, lots of money being spent!!!’ I told him he was NUTS if he thought that my feelings about romance were the same. He said that he only said it because he thought that's what I wanted. Strange, we never rented a limo when we were dating! LOL Why would he think that???”
“His idea of romance is us having sex every few days, which is basically the only time he touches me or shows me affection…He doesn't even tell me he loves me anymore. His thing is ‘well you know that already so why should I keep repeating myself?’ I feel stifled and honestly, if it wasn't for our 8-year old son, I'd be long gone.”
“I don't think a marriage can survive without romance. I've been married over 40 years, and have never been touched except during sex…As other posters have said, it doesn't take money, for heavens sake. Just holding hands in the mall, or a kiss now and then. I get nothing, and it has made me so lonely I really wonder how I can stand it.”
Some posters suggest therapy or talking to the husbands in question. But, as one woman writes, “After telling my husband what I need (affection, touches, kisses, kind words..) he is beginning to give them to me slowly. And part of me is thrilled and another part wonders if it's too little too late.”
How can a marriage survive the slumps? When is it too late? I get that you talk to your SO, you try to work it out. But what happens when one or both of you isn't willing to put in the work it takes to keep that spark alive? Staying in a loveless marriage seems harder to me than leaving one, but I see how fear and inertia could take hold.
So, what do you think?
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Today is my twentieth anniversary with my husband Matthew.I wrote in my journal today that the love we had in the beginning is not the love we have now- because love is not still, it never stays in the same place,and the love I have for him is not always on the same level as the love he has for me.That is just the way love is, because we are individuals, and we each face life and love differently.Love is an ever changing and growing and shrinking thing-and we must accomodate that, make room-and not expect that it will always be the same.Our expectations are what gets us in trouble in our relationships.My husband and I do not love like we did when it was new- but we love differently, we love with love that can endure, because we allowed for the love to change as it was suppose to.When he could not love me on the same level as I loved him, I did not panick- I did not squirm. Sometimes I sacrificed a bit, but he did to- and we love better, steadier and more realisticly than ever. Love grew up with us, we with it. TJ
I wanted to reply about romance-I have missed it too-and I think we all have at one time or another felt the loss.I know that it hurts to think that I am not desirable to my husband.And then I ask myself if he is still desirable to me?How do I show that I care about him, and that he is still special to me because that is what we want-has nothing to do with sex, really.When I read about romance, it is usually the woman saying that the man has not shown her romance anymore,that she is desirable still,that he cares more than just for sex.These are the truths- men often see sex as security- women more often need the romance that goes along for security. Men need physical reassurance, women need more emotional reassurance.What if we gave him a sample of what we need by givng it to him-and he did the same for us?What if I sent him a single rose and a card? What if he hands on showed me the comforting sex he needs?Use your imaginations.Romance has not gone anywhere.We just forgot how to give it. Try it-it works.Yes-!TJ
Yes, there has to be a certain amount of romance for in a marriage. It is one of the main reason why my marriage is failing. Someone mentioned that men and women need different things to feel secure in a relationship. Well, this is what I need and I am not getting it. Also, to me, romance is not just gifts and dates it is about sharing our lives. When we lose that there really is nothing left. I mean, why be married if you are still two totally separate people. Yeah, we have to have something for ourselves, but there has to be sharing as well. Romance is all about the other person giving of themselves. I still am in love with my husband, but I am very lonely.
Were is the love is a very good question, but where's the answer is what my question is b/c we should have muiltiple answers but where are they??Being lonely does suck indeed.So were's the love
Every marriage has problems and no relationship is perfect i'd rather think of them as a test for the love u guys have together
Marriage is a difficult relationship to keep; yet its the most treasured if nurtured and nurturing will require both parties. If you want to be loved and nurished with romance, then do the same.
I am in a 9 year relationship and the romance has definetly gone,we spend many evenings doing our own thing,we have done this since the beginning but i don't feel we still should be.We live together and i know we do love each other,just need some advice to put the spark back as u hear so many people splitting coz its gone, any advice anyone?
Romance or the outward signs of love and caring is vital to a "Happy Marraige" but anybody can just drudge away the years with children and work,church,social circles etc. I am 41 and I have known my husband since he was 14. I married him at 24 and it has been 17yrs and 3 children later and we don't look or act like we did at 16, but he still makes me laugh and I still want him. I want him because he is affectionate and tells me he loves me,not as a routine but often. He still wants me sexually and just to hang with,that is real love. Listen up guys..more and more of my friends are getting tired of waiting for the outward signs besides the house and car and are LEAVING to search for those greener pastures even if they never find them because they are so LONELY and STARVED for affection.For Sacha after 9 years you should be growing together not apart,if it's the real thing. Life is very short,you said you don't feel you should still be so seperate...but what does he say? Real love is a 2 way street!
we've only been married for 5 months and i'm already deprived of romance! my husband would rather watch porn than cuddle with me and i just let him. can anyone help me.. i've tried a couple of times to talk to him about it but he just won't budge.. so i just let him do what he wants to keep the peace. what should i do?? i'm very confused.. is this thing with guys normal? HELP!!
I have been married 16 yrs, I am 48. There is no romance in my marriage and very little sex. In the beginning it was great, now its just so sad and I feel very alone. I cry more than I smile. I am wondering "Is this as good as it gets"? I want more, I have told my husband my needs. But it seems like its to much work for him to fulfill.
To the woman whos husband likes to watch porn all the time..try watching it with him! He might like the company. After all, he did marry you, not Jenna Jameson.
After reading these comments and stories, I feel sadness comming from almost everyone. I'm 18 years old and I love my boyfriend of two years very much. I hope everyday for the best in our future together. Although we have had our share of fights one breakup, we are still very loving and passionate towards eachother. Someone please tell me that it is possible to keep the love alive after marriage! I know two years is not that long, I'm just hoping that I have something good to look forward to!
I married my husband right after college and he was my first. He is 10 years older than me. I read somewhere that when men turn 40, they usually like to watch porn than have sex. I on the other hand, HATE porn and never even saw a porn picture until I caught him on the net. I don't know how to break him out of this horrible habit...I am really bothered that he watches these disgusting pictures when he can be with me. What is a young wife to do to make our sex life better? He thinks there is nothing wrong with our sex life and does not want to even talk about it. He denies going on the net and even denies the porn e-mails that he gets. I canât talk to anyone about this because everyone thinks we have a wonderful marriage. I really want to have a child and that is another issue that he will not want to face. His ways makes me feel so ugly and unwanted.
I have been married for the past 4 years and I am totally unhappy because I really do not love my husband the way I should. I don't do anything with him, we don't talk, we don't take vacations together or anything and I am at the point where all I want is to be free. Sex is not satisfying and I would rather not do it with him and if I do, it is a real task. what should i do in this case? Is there hope.
For those of you whose husbands are addicted to porn,I feel for you. My husband and I have a perfectly good marriage - we've been married for 13 years. 4 months after our daughter was born and he still not interested in sex I started to wonder. So I stole his email password and voila I found his emails and porn pix and websites that he frequently visits. Needless to say that I was devastated, after all I never thought that he would do such a thing. He is a kind, affectionate, honest and loving man. After confronting him, he was shocked and embararrased and didn't know what to say. He said he was doing it (porn and video games) because he wants to submerge himself and to forget his problems at work etc. There were signs in the past about this habit but I just looked the other way. I am just very angry and sad that this happened. He's now on a very short leash and not allowed on the porn sites at all. Unfortunately, porn does not enhance lovemaking- once they're hooked it is a replacement for sex.
My fiance and I have been together for 5 years and the romance is gone already. If not for our newborn I would be gone and probably should have left a long time ago. My situation is probably different from others because not only dont I feel romanced but I dont feel loved either. I feel like we have settled for one another..that is so sad.
I married my husband after 10 years of dating. He was the best! He would occasionally sent flowers to my office, opened doors for me, took me to nice expensive restaurants for dinners, my friends envied that. We traveled together, our love life was great.
It was all good! We got married. After marriage, things changed. He was not the same person. I was left hungry for romance and felt that I was missing this and more. I told him how I felt. His gestures and vague words made it clear me that it's over. We separated and I grew as a person and became stronger with the support of family and firends. Yes, love is a two way street but someone has to take control. If something isn't working for you even after you voiced your feelings and spilled out your emotions, then there is no reason to be unhappy.
I have been married for 9 years and there is no romance in my marriage anymore. We are in counselling now, but I really think it's too late. We have grown apart and I am no longer attracted to him. If not for our kids, I think I would be searching for somewhere else to live. I just asked a neighbor about her marriage and found that they are as much in love now, if not more than when they first got married. Romance in marriage can and should happen!
It seems a loss of romance, and a loss of love are two different issues overlapping in this thread.
I have been married 8 years, and maybe 2 or 3 years into our marriage experienced what seemed a loss of romance. Now, 6 years later, it seems to have turned into a loss of love.
I'm no longer attracted to my husband, we've both changed very much. The attraction is gone, sexually, intellectually, etc.
It's very lonely and difficult to be in such a superficial marriage. We talk, but very little, very 'small talk'. We just don't connect anymore.
We were very young when we married and I think we made a big mistake.
Best wishes to all of you experiencing the lack of romance. I hope you can communicate and work through that issue, so it doesn't degenerate into a greater problem.
I have been with my fiance for a year. We're due to get married in June and I feel like he is already unattracted to me. He said that is not the problem, that he just feels tired all the time and is never in the mood. He told me I didn't have to wait for him to work out this problem. But I don't want to make love to anybody else but him. I love him with all of my heart and do want to marry him. He watches porn more than we have sex and that upsets me greatly. We are both young so I don't know why his sex drive is so low. My confidence has shot down since this has happened and I feel ugly and unattractive to him anymore. We used to make love 3-4 times a week. Now I am lucky if it is once a month. I don't want to start a marriage like this or for this problem to get worse. I want to turn him on again and am not quite sure how to get him in the mood.
Women for those of you that expressed concern for your husbands that watch porn... I feel you should be.
Sexual addictions have grown tremendously due to the freedom of the internet. Yes porn can be a sex--foreplay enhancer, but when your spouse rather watch it and lie about the amount of time spent watching it. Then I would be concerned.
Dont dismiss it. Do something about it now. Trust me, I was just like you and I wish I took it more seriously, now the pain I feel for the secrets my spouse kept are sometime unbearable.
I really did not know that a heart can actually break until I felt mine.
Stay strong and if you are willing to do what it takes to change your situation dive head first and surround yourself with positive influences.
Good Luck
To confused. Don't let things get out of hand this early in your marriage. I have been married for 15 years, have 4 kids, work a full time job, and my husband is over 10 years older than me and sex is better now than it has ever been. However, things weren't great the whole time. I think MOST men enjoy the porn. Sometimes to get their attention you may have to ask him if he would like for you to do a few of the things he sees to him. Within reason, of course! Sometimes asking him what pleases him and you doing may help him in turn want to please you. Its just a suggestion. I have been through some rough moments in my marriage. My husband is not the romantic type in any way. But you can find romance in other things besides the traditional meaning. Good Luck, sweetie!
im marriage for 13 years before i love my husband too much but now i don't love him anymore bec he desserted me before . I don't know what to do now that i don't love my husband anymore
WOW I'M ONLY 20 YEARS OLD, AND BY READING ALL THESE NEGATIVE POSTS I'M SCARED TO GET MARRIED. IT'S SOMETHING THAT RUNS THROUGH MY MIND. LIKE "HOW DO I KNOW WHAT I LIKE NOW IS GONNA BE THE SAME 20 YEARS FROM NOW?" IM KIND OF SCARED BECAUSE ALL I'VE READ IS THINGS CHANGE AND PEOPLE HAVE FALLEN OUT OF LOVE. AHHH I HONESTLY THINK IF IT WASNT FOR WANTING CHILDREN AND A SEX LIFE, I WOULD NEVER GET MARRIED. I'M VERY TRADITIONAL AND I'M ALSO WAITING TO HAVE SEX TILL MARRIAGE. AHH SOO MANY THINGS TO THINK ABOUT.
WOW I'M ONLY 20 YEARS OLD, AND BY READING ALL THESE NEGATIVE POSTS I'M SCARED TO GET MARRIED. IT'S SOMETHING THAT RUNS THROUGH MY MIND. LIKE "HOW DO I KNOW WHAT I LIKE NOW IS GONNA BE THE SAME 20 YEARS FROM NOW?" IM KIND OF SCARED BECAUSE ALL I'VE READ IS THINGS CHANGE AND PEOPLE HAVE FALLEN OUT OF LOVE. AHHH I HONESTLY THINK IF IT WASNT FOR WANTING CHILDREN AND A SEX LIFE, I WOULD NEVER GET MARRIED. I'M VERY TRADITIONAL AND I'M ALSO WAITING TO HAVE SEX TILL MARRIAGE. AHH SOO MANY THINGS TO THINK ABOUT.
I would like to say, first and foremost, that I commend all women who are "sticking it out" in relationships that have no romance. Women with patience in situations such as these are my inspiration. I have prayed with my pastor and have even been to a professional counselor, by myself and with my spouse. I have been honest enough to have the conversations with my spouse, but nothing seems to inpire him to "romance" his wife. My father says that, unfortunately, I am his "Trophy Wife". I guess I can't complain because he has not emotionally, physically, or financially abused me, but in turn has romantically starved me.
Even after praying with my pastor, seeking professional help, and talking, openly and honestly, with my spouse, IS IT JUSTIFIED FOR A WOMAN DEPRIVED OF ROMANCE TO CHEAT?
Now that is the REAL question.
MiMi
I'm exactly in the same position as you are. Very unhappy, but my faith stops me from following my heart.
I don't think cheating is ever "justified." When needs aren't being met, people look elsewhere for those needs to be met. Justified means its okay, which it isn't, but the lack of romance can be a driving force to cheat. I feel women who cheat do so because not all of their needs are being met. Justified? No. Driving force? Yes.
i am thinking about creating my own porn site so my husband will have sex with me.....lol.
This is to the 18yr old girl,with boyfriend for 2 years,wanting to keep romance/passion alive,and to anyone else,no matter how long the relationship so far. I know the answers. I've been where you are and FIXED IT. It's a little expensive (about $200) but havent you already spent that much in tears & worry? First,both of you FIND GOD if you havent already. Second, go to www.lightherfire.com & www.lighthisfire.com,(by Dr. Ellen Kriedman}. BUY THE TAPES! I swear, if taken to heart and earnestly done by BOTH,these tapes work! Before you do any of this tho, all of the past neglect of needs has to be forgiven/forgotten. Start new. The only real work is getting your mate to get involved with the tapes. You know him better than anyone...coax him into it. Make him KNOW how important it is. If he is slow to get started,YOU watch YOUR tapes and begin to follow them. Treat him as the tapes show you and he will begin to come around. He wont be able to resist you, and eventually he'll watch his tapes too. But be patient!
To daydreambeliever63, That was very funny. lol. Just to give you all an idea, buy yourselves a dildo. I did it and I made sure that my husband know about it. By doing this he knows that I am not depending on him for sex.
Im not married, but I think a marriage (or any kind of love relationship) without romance is so empty. Romance is what keeps each other interested in their partner, and I also think it creates magic between them. It intensifies the relationship for sure!! :D
I've been married twice, my marriage now, only has a thimble full of romance but an over abundance of love. I miss the romance but I stay because I know we do love each other.
Sometimes, you need to create your own romance. This requires also pretending that you are happy in your marriage. I went through a real trauma in my marriage three years ago. My husband fell in love with another woman. Talk about a shake up! This turned out to be the catalyst to change our marriage. He chose to end it with her, and stay with me. I must admit that it was probably for the kids, we have 4, more than for me, but I took it as the opportunity to change our lives. We have been together 25 years, non of which were very happy until the last 3 and a half years, since the affair. It's hard work, but if you want that romance and happiness, you can get it by making yourself do it 1st. Many of you may think I should have left him, but I didn't, I got rid of his old self, and my old self, by pretending everything was great until it really was. We are so romantic and devoted now that I couldn't be happier and I can assure you he feels the same. HARD HARD WORK, that's what it takes, but you can do it. I don't recomend an affair, but you can fix your marriage by starting out 1st.
I have been married for 3 1/2 years. I must tell you that marriage is HARD, HARD work. My husband and I have survived an affair. I don't recommend at all. I must tell you though that a marriage CAN NOT survive w/o romance. Sex is great but romance is what makes your life, marriage, and sex great. We are seeing a therapist. Our parents marriages aren't the perfect example of marriage is supposed to be. So we are going to therapy to seek out help. The therapist is helping. I have also learned that even though I have a son and gained weight with my pregnancy, I can't let myself go. I still have to be attractive to him. I can't stop wearing thongs, because my butt got bigger (LOL).
my husban is great and a great dad we have been married 11 years and have 4 kids, all that lacks in our relationship is sex, he dosen't want to have sex, that is a big problem for me, tryed talking to him I tryed everything still hes not interested. when we do have it 1 to 2 times a month for no longer thant 5 min. each time. i am not getting what i need.
I have been married 24 years to my husband. We have a wonderful 18 year old son. The relationship has never had romance in it and to get my husband to have sex with me was always like pulling teeth. We have not had sex in 10 years...yes, I said 10 YEARS! I have kept myself in wonderful shape and am always getting hit on by other men, whether they be married or single. My husband has let himself go. I want romance so much but I don't thing it will ever happen with him. The worst was that I did have an affair a couple of years ago and that person made me feel like the sexiest most desirable woman on earth. I was addicted, I thought I loved him and he constantly told me he loved me. He too was married. I finally had to end it because it was destroying me. I have approached my husband about having sex and he does have a medical reason for not wanting to. But it can be fixed and he just hasn't done it. It scares me to death to thing that I should go the rest of my life without sex and romance.
Romance is an illusion created by sappy chick flicks and mushy tv show moments. Real life is not like that. Men can't read our minds. If you are missing something in your relationship, the ONLY way to fix it is through communication. If the person on the other end gives a damn, they will do what they can to try to fulfill your needs. If they can't/won't, seek counseling. WORK through the problem. People expect things to work out overnight and that's not always how it works. Sometimes people go into relationships with their own issues that prevent them from fully participating. Therapy is really the most effective way to WORK through this.
I thought I had a good marriage, but when I realized that I don't know who I am any longer, that my self esteem is almost gone, that I feel lonely much of the time, and that I am attracted to another man I have to admit to myself that this marriage is stale and sterile. He is a good person, tries to be romantic, but that's not what I need. I'd love to be heard, told I am attractive, even given any compliment about anything, instead of the "well, that's not bad" that I get, when I ask for a comment!!! It's very sad. I'm afraid to leave but not happy staying.
It's okay to face the facts of life...fantasy is doable...it fits into your life when your mind and body are too exhausted to actually accomplish the task of setting the perfect environment, finding the perfect time ...a time free of physical interruptions from kids, parents, phonecalls, knocks on the door, or mental intrusions like the worry of what's clean and ironed to wear to work tomorrow, what did you defrost for dinner tomorrow, did you pay the electric bill, make that dentist appointment, are you prepared for tomorrow's meeting, etc... the list goes on and on. As much as I despise porn, the thing that sets accomplished women back a hundred years, sadly, by other women's actions, I compare it to X-box. Mindless entertainment for tired, unmotivated, lazy men who can't or won't make the effort to keep the woman they married interested in them. I honestly think any woman would be okay with occasional good sex, over routine "empty" sex. One perfect evening can last in your memory for weeks (or months!)
(Continued...because I couldn't fit it all in earlier) To answer the question "Where is the love?", I would have to say it's in the living room, on the floor, snoring so loud the walls are bending. The exhausted man with the tired body, who has worked 2, and even three jobs at a time to make sure his wife and child never wanted for anything (because these gifts are his way of loving us), this guy who never missed his daughter's dance classes, or vollyball games, who would volunteer to work a Saturday in order to accompany her on a class trip, and who would quite literally put his life on the line for either of us without hesitation, is living in an older, more fragile shell of his former self. He loves me, not in the romantic way he did when we were younger, stronger, and more selfish....but in a new way. I look at him and his hair is thinner, his smile lines are deeper, his smile is truer, and I love him, for all the important reasons (and that's damn sexy!)
I am tired ...from doing it all. How nice it would be to feel appreciated. I have also been thinking..What is the big deal to cheat? Would he even notice?
It would make me alot happier. I find myself attracted to this female I was thinking since we are both females maybe she would know exactly what I need.
First of all, I would like to say thankk you to everyone who has said something. I'm 26 years old, married for 2 years and miserable. I'm scared to go out on my own, but more scared to never has passion in my life again. Reading this has reaffirmed what I have to do... leave. Thanks.
So far, I have read a lot of lamentations about the loss of love or romance but not very many SOLUTIONS on how to put the romance back into your life. There was one about buying video tapes, sexual ones. But isn't romance seperate and different from sex? Holding hands, nibbling on the neck. A single flower picked from the neighbor's yard. A card with some lame poem written on it. I mean romance is in the brain not physical. Right? So how do we get our SO to remember the sappy stuff that melts our hearts so? That is what I want to know. I have tons of laments and have shed my own river of tears throughout my 7 year marriage. But right now I'm looking for answers, hints, suggestions about Romance NOT sex. Our sex life is okay but I don't want to use sex as a measuring stick for love. Sooner or later our bodies or health won't let us have it anymore. Then what? I want to make sure that the romance is back for good, it's the only thing that will work when nothing else will work anymore. ANY IDEAS!!!!
Kristine.... The adrenaline is pumping prior to a wedding, and the normal day to day routines that come afterwards pale in comparison. Trust that he's feeling the same way and wondering what the hell happened to you...the girl who used to look at him like he was some sexy superhero. Break the routine. What did you do before...where did you do it? Book a hotel room (trust me, it's not the same at home) and tell him he has 10 minutes to grab some stuff as you're going somewhere special. Don't tell him anything else. Bring candles, wine, fruit, and chocolate (syrup?) and spoil eachother senseless.
You have to love yourself before you can feel love. I have been with my husband for 12 years. And I love him more every day. But we don't use each other to fill up being lonley. If you are lonley it is up to you to figure out why. not to blame the other person. Fix yourself. Then you can be loved.
And FYI if you are happy with yourself your husband wachting porn will be fun, not make you scared or sad
of all the stories i have read few that seem to remember that real love is beyond sex and romance sex and romance are icing on the cake not cake itself though it is an important ingredient to maintain i choose to be in a commited relationship for that that endures compassionate love instead of acting on what youre not getting maybe before one decides to leave(as is the disposable society we live in)one chooses to get more creative when things have gotten stagnant while i understand that it takes effort on both parts maybeattimes one has to remind the other of that even if by example in changing oneself ...i personally dont agree with the porn... it seems to me to be a way to pollute the mind like eating only donuts and never getting any real nutrition it will eventually starve the body and mind of true nourishment our marriages are an expression of our own ability to create our interpretation of divine union union of the diversity in creation we would not want to be given up on so why would we give up on others
i also feel it is important for both to work at the needs of the other(service to others is true mastery and fulfillment)in my comments i do not say that one must stay in something uncaring or neglectful however people tend to be in pain and escape from working at things in general thats what i see in all these guys who would rather watch porn than their own life they have forgotten how to be creative themselves we generally live in comfort this day and age and are born into society that has forgotten that we cant just go buy another lover companion or friend like those who sit in front of us our problems or shall i say challenges in our relationships will come up with next partner if it isnt resolved with this one to some degree we cant run away from ourselves and yet we can just watch tv and let our whole lives go by without living our own life our marriages are the core of how we move thru the world how we integrate or dont integrate with all outside of us your partner only shows where he/she is in this phase
Not to sound preachy or anything, but a great way to bring back romance in a marriage is to think up something wonderful for your DH. Instead of waiting for him to do something or even trying to come up with plans to do together, you will never lose by showing love yourself. If he has a favourite meal you've been too busy to make lately, or he always watches the game alone and wishes you'd watch it with him.... Perfect opportunities to show how much you care! Do it with loving words and a loving smile too, from the love that's in your heart, not from a sense of sacrifice. Sometimes you gotta make the first move, and no matter what, a gesture of love is never a waste.
I stayed in an unhappy marriage for 18 yrs because I was afraid of my financial situation. Believe me, for a while it was tough - but I am so much less lonely alone than before.
As for sex, you can't teach a terrible lover (who loves to watch porn!) how to make love better if he already thinks he's great at sex. You'd think he'd at least learn some decent techniques from all of his porn and magazines. But, no.....
Being alone is NOT a terrible thing. I have friends, my books, music, etc. I don't have Mr. Critical telling me "I knew you didn't care about this relationship" whenever I didn't agree or wouldn't kowtow to him. Finally one day, he said it one too many times and I agreed that I no longer did. What a feeling of relief!!
I have been married for 20 years and have not had sex for the last 12. I finally, after talking, crying, screaming, writing a letter have had enough and started having an affair. It is the best thing I could have done. It has given me my self esteem back and I found out there are lots of men out there who find me desireable. I'm 45 and refuse to spend the next 20 years in a loveless marriage. While my husband is a good provider and father he is not there for me at all. Having an affair and realizing how important a physical and mental connection is to me has given me the strength to ask for a divorce. I feel so liberated and good. It's a sad thing but I know I will be a happier person and better mother if I get some of my needs met.
wow! lots of interesting comments. I've been married for 3 yrs. I have a 10 mo old baby, and although romance isn't what it was 13 yrs ago (when I first met my Husband)our relationship has grown more intense and caring. We appreciate one another and compromise on everthing. We survived many many problems, from cheating to health issues to the loss of a baby. But all these things have taught to love eachother for what we are and not what we imagine the other to be. We've molded eachother to be kind, loving, forgiving and to not be afraid to talk. TALKING about what bothers us and working on things has been our secrete. We are viewed as a perfect couple, with the perfect marriage, but there is nothing perfect about us. Just a couple of sincere dorks willing to take the time to listen and adjust where and when needed. Our sex life has taken a toll since baby, but the times we do have sex, its great. Romance? He's not romantic like a novel, but he sure knows how to make me feel special.
Wow, so I am not the only one with these issues. I love my husband and I always will, but I have no desire to do things such as hold hands, kiss and have sex with him. I feel awful about this, but I don't know what to do. We have been married for 13 years.
I am so glad I happened on to this discussion. I was happily married for 23 years. My husband died. Reading all of these negative comments makes me realize how fortunate I was to share so many years with my soul mate. To all you singles out there, It is possible to love a person more and more with every passing day. And the romance does not go away, if you work at it. And when they're dead, the love you shared keeps you going. I always felt I had it to good, from what I've read I see I was right.
Wow it is really sad that some women think it's ok to cheat.How would you feel if he was cheating on you.Even if your relationship wasn't good you would still be devistated.You are being selfish and thats probably one of the reasons your marriage is falling apart.If you are attracted to someone else you should break up the marriage before you start with someone else.Have enough respect for the other person to give them that.For the women who ask if there is hope, yes there is.Every marriage has it's ups and downs and just becuase you are having a hard time doesn't mean you shouldn't stick it out and try to make it better.If you loved eachother from the begining it can and will get better and maybe it won't be nibbling your ear but the love will be much deeper and just sitting next to eachother and holding hands during a movie is romance.Spending time together and being able to have a converstaion at dinner about stupid things is romance.Also do the things you know he likes becuase I bet he is just as lonely asyou
Marriage is hard and there will be bad times but if you don't stick it out throught those times you will never experience real love which is so much deeper than the teenage head over heels love that you want to continue forever. People change and grow and so does love. If you stick it out you will be happy you did. I am not saying it will be easy but talk to him give it time and if you have to don't wait for him to make a move you make the first move. Men probably feel the same way becuase I bet you aren't doing the same things he loves show him you still love him and he will return the favor.
Every female reading this - who is your BEST female friend? Can you imagine having a romantic life with them? Because they're you're best friend. Well have you ever though that your husband/boyfriend looks at you that way as well? He sees you as his best friend that would drop anything for them, that will and can also give you intimacy "behind closed doors." So he thinks he's got the best fo both worlds - a best friend with s*xual favours as well.
Dear all, I come to this board too late. These messages make me cry. The state of my own marriage of 9 years, 2 kids , where now he no longer is able to have sex with me ids depressing beyond words. The drugs only improve it by a minute. What to do? 9 years younger I feel i deserve a decent sex life. But are there really greener pastures? he washes up, he washes the kids clothes, he takes them to sports training, he cleans the bathrooms. I know this is pathetic to think that he is so helpful around the house, but is it worth sacrificing your sex life for the rest of your life? He won't go to counselling and I'm only 34. I tell myself it might get better but I am really depressed at the thought of having to beg for sex that only lasts 20 seconds. Should I leave? Megsie
Megsie...I have learned after 20 years of marriage that you cannont fix something, or someone, who doesn't want to try to fix themselves. I have been romantically and sexually starved by a man I have loved for 10 years, while the excuses mounted, but the truth is that he looked at me as a package deal, meaning I came with burdens (meaning, I represent everything that he can't fix in his life...or chooses not to fix, because he's undeciplined financially and emotionally.) As our bills mount (I have no credit cards...these are bills he creates) and we get older (something we could be cherishing but his negative outlook has always managed to focus on the downside of every situation) he looks at me as a life sentence as opposed to a life mate. I beg you not to find reasons to feel guilty and somehow blame his lack of concern for your feelings on yourself. You DO deserve a happy, healthy, respectful and caring spouse. Don't lay guilt on yourself as women tend to do. This is about him & his refusal to get help.
i have the same experience with confused, after 5 months marriage i just knew that my husband rather interesting on virtual porn site rather than with me, i'm feeling disgust sometime with all the things happen, i still love him but somehow i'm so tired of the way happend now, i tried to confront him as much as i could, i tried to ask him to watch porn together as i read on the other site, but the response still the same he still try to steal to look at porn site and our love-bed time begin so untaste for me, he never ask to do sex and sometime refusing and now i just look at it as obligation not more.. well i'm just tired and feeling saddy all the time, and now its almost our 2 years marriage, and i have the felling already i dont want have the rest of my life feeling like this.
Hi ladies,
You know I think journaling is an amazing way to reflect on our relationships. It is amazing how much you can learn. These types of blogs almost allow us to peek into other peoples lives and it is a special opportunity. I actually found a way to share even more and submitted a couple of my journal entries to a publishing company for submission. It was a great experience and I like to think that when my stories get out it will help many who have not even seen great blogs like this. I am mentioning it here because it seems you all have a lot to say so you should give it a try too. The URL is www.whatihavelearned.net I do not work for this company for the record but I just loved my experience and I am sharing it.
Check it out, I even got my husband to write a story and it blew me away. The whole experience was very cathartic.
Thanks for all of you being so open, I always learn a great deal from reading these blogs.
I'm a guy, I just would like to ask if many of you ladies could understand how it feels to have had sex with your wife a few hundred times already. How are you supposed to be turned on all the time after that? She's 15 years younger than me, so she's just fine looking, but with the 5 kids, etc., and me often playing soccer mom, it's more like a life than a total romance like in the novels.
If you don't mind, I mean, can a woman, or women in general, sometimes at least understand how looking at other naked women (as in porn) could seem fun -- albeit you can't "share" it -- where sex all the time with the spouse might not be the same way?
Truthfully, sometimes I get interested in her in between my porn sessions, and we then do make love. But the porn, like my Viagra, is my little secret -- although she probably knows more than she lets on.
For the count, we have sex about once every month or two -- fine for me, due to my sex with porn. Without porn, it would be my groin that would feel left out, not my heart.