Mingle Hells

Even if your office holiday party isn’t as grim as, say, the one they had on The Office last week (complete with Kevin from accounting choosing “You Oughta Know” as his karaoke number)…chances are, you have a holiday party to go to that you’re dreading at least a little. “At least 60 percent of the people we work with are shy,” Terry Pithers of Style for Success, a business etiquette firm, was quoted as saying in a recent New York Times article. “And with less and less face time in our culture, people tend to be lacking in skills for starting and getting out of conversations.”

That’s right, you’re not the only one who gets nervous when suddenly made to mingle. The article goes on to quote Daniel Goleman, the author of “Social Intelligence,” as saying, “social phobia is the common cold of emotional disorders. ‘Everyone’s anxious,’ he said. ‘And it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy when you say you won’t have a good time. It can make it hard.’”

What about when you are a recovering alcoholic or substance abuser, and holiday parties force you to explain why you’re not sucking down the egg nog? Or when you actually have a social behavior disorder? If parties are tricky for 60% of people, these extra kinks must make the things darn near impossible.

cl-wifemomteacher posts on the 12-Step Recovery board: “During this time of year (and at other times) we are constrained by good manners to be social, whether or not that is in our nature. I don't deal well with social situations, but do have some social functions I need to attend. So...my question is....how do you deal with uncomfortable situations?”

anotherjenny : “I tend to go into wallflower mode. ;)”

josannajava: “When I am in uncomfortable social situations, I am a wallflower after I eat too much, not a binge, but definitely more than one needs to maintain their weight. Food is my ‘drug’ of choice so I revert to it to survive life at times.”

cl-mollmae: “I will stay for enough time to be not rude and then I will make my exit. Well, I have social anxiety disorder. :(“

The New York Times article describes the way Jeanne Martinet, author of a recently reissued book called “The Art of Mingling,” treats mingling as a form of exercise, to be regularly practiced. She offers her techniques: she gets started “by approaching the least-popular-looking person in the room.” She talks to each person for 5-15 minutes but no longer, and then she moves on.

Board members also have some small talk survival tips:

libelulle: “I call up one of my alter egos, PR Girl… I used to work in PR, and I use this side of me when I have to go to these functions especially the ones that are more work or networking related.”

nineteen_again: “Although most of the time I, too, make like a wallflower, occasionally I say to myself, ‘I'm strong. I can do this,’ and force myself to mix more than I'd like, taking the initiative in meeting people and in conversations.”

schematicphase: “My kids tell me I could talk to walls. And for some bizarre reason, I've found that people will tell me the most intimate and interesting things at parties. DH says I have a technique, which I never had noticed until he told me. What I tend to do is to sit with one person at a time and give them my undivided attention, then move to another. I don't sit in a group and chit chat.”

What’s your small-talk technique? Your mingling M.O.? Your, um, partying plan? Do you dread holiday parties, or do you look forward to them and enjoy the chance to be extra-social? And speak loudly, because I’m hiding by the punch bowl and I can barely hear you.