December 2006 Archives
Another year, another New Year’s. Why is it that people stress out so much about having enough fun on New Year’s Eve? It’s like, if it’s not the most Perfect! Night! Evah! then we’re doomed to a crappy year. (Which never ends up being the case! Does it?)
So, what are you going to do? Snuggle up at home with hot chocolate and Dick Clark (and, uh, Ryan Seacrest)? Pop champagne at midnight at a rockin’ house party? Boogie the night away in the hottest of hot clubs?
I have no idea what I’m going to do. Last year we watched the ball drop in Times Square…in Times Square! It was fun. Very cold, but fun. And let’s put it this way – if you watched from home, you probably had a better view. ;)
So, what’s your best New Year’s memory? Post it here… and get ready to make a new one.
PS--For a good chuckle, check out sidntabsmom’s story of what happened with the cat got into the champagne one year.
Over on the Fashion Pet Peeves board, perfectwmn_mommy has something to get off her (very fashionable) chest: “Whatever happened to the perfect women who always had the right thing to wear no matter the event? Who knew the trick to removing any kind of stain, and what essentials were needed in every closet? I really do respect the designers of high fashion… But someone has to challenge the insanity! We don't have those teenage girls who looked forward to summer break so that they could make their own wardrobe! I know we no longer have the time, but can someone please stand up and find a way to supply all of us busy working women with sensible, gorgeous, classic, apparel? Please don't take this as a ‘trend’ bashing session. I really do love some of the trends but come on...they change every few weeks, and I am one of the millions of women who is too busy [to keep up with that].”
Sometimes it does seem ridiculously hard to find classic, well-made items of clothing that fit right, doesn’t it? (I know I was horrified to read earlier in the year that many clothing chains and department stores were discontinuing their Petites lines – sad news for the shrimps among us.) Not only do new trends seem to appear on the runways and on store shelves about every five minutes, but sizes are changing too, aren’t they? I mean, we’re not all 6-foot-tall, 110-pound Brazilians who feel comfortable baring it all? (Well, okay, maybe you’re not. Ahem.)
Has the world of fashion gotten too out-of-control? Too over-the-top? Too fast-paced and unrealistic? Or is that part of the fun of it?
There was an interesting little piece in the New York Times last week entitled:
Questions Couples Should Ask (Or Wish They Had) Before Marrying.
Some of the questions: Have we discussed whether or not to have children, and if the answer is yes, who is going to be the primary care giver? Can we comfortably and openly discuss our sexual needs, preferences and fears? Will there be a television in the bedroom? What does my family do that annoys you?
Some of these strike me as being questions that some couples never ask each other, let alone discuss before they get married. Right? "What does my family do that annoys you?" Yeah, that sounds like a fun little conversation. Nothing could go wrong during that conversation! Nah! But seriously, it's a great idea. Doesn’t it seem like the second you get engaged, all anyone talks about for the next year or so is details about the wedding, rather than the life you are agreeing to embark upon together?
On the Real Advice: Wedded Bliss board, cl-iv_chipmunk asks the related question: “Are there questions you've always wanted your favorite married couple to answer - but you're too embarrassed to ask?”
Some of the questions they’ve gathered:
-In all honesty, how often do you have sex?
-I know every couple has their spats, but how do they keep their bond so strong?
-I would ask how do you keep your sex life fresh and exciting?
- I think it would be "what on earth do you see in him or her?" Most couples seem totally mismatched to me.
-How do you deal with mismatched libido?
-How often do you have sex?
-I would ask how do you keep your sex life fresh and exciting?
-How often do you have sex?
Hmm…do I see a theme here?
PS--For another great list -- hey, 'tis the season for lists, right? -- check out the iVillage Top Ten "What We Wish Mom Had Told Us about Men... Before We Got Married." "Don't go to bed angry" is just the beginning.
So, as you’ve probably heard by now, People magazine has declared the Brangelina clan the family of year. Much has been made of this in the blogosphere, with lots of peeps seeming to feel that Angie’s a “home wrecker” who stole Brad from some other chick he apparently used to be married to. (Jennifer Whonistan?)
But what interests me about it is how kind of, I don’t know, revolutionary their family is. I mean, let’s see, a Cambodian child she adopted and was raising as a single mother, an African child they adopted together, and the preternaturally pretty baby they had together – out of wedlock. It all seems so run-of-the-mill now, but I think it’s worth noting that they (and many others like them, don’t get me wrong) are spreading some pretty unique ideas about what a family can be. (And they have the money and privilege to make anything work, etc, etc, I get that, completely.)
This all made me think... because when normal, biological conception doesn't work for a couple, they are faced with some pretty intense challenges as they decide how to make a family for themselves. See also: iVillager
leafygreens, who writes, “My spouse & I have been TTC for 2.5 years now. With no luck…. Lately, someone I know (a churchy, do-gooder busybody type) has been lecturing me that we should be adopting instead… I honestly believe she is trying to impose guilt on us. Interestingly enough, she herself has not adopted any children. I also had a female ob/gyn who put the same trip on me. She tried to discourage me from having kids in my late 30s and told me we should ‘just adopt.’ I switched doctors immediately.”
She runs down some of the very sensible reasons why they haven’t chosen to adopt, and then, I think, hits the nail right on the head: “I just wonder why so many people want to make it their business about whether we keep trying for a biological child, or not. Its not their decision to make. I hate to stereotype, but it seems a lot of women think its their business to tell other women what to do with their lives.”
clearissa: “The thing about adoption vs bio child is that it is a hugely personal decision. If I had not been able to conceive in the normal way, I would have chosen to adopt, but that is what would be right for DH and myself, not necessarily for other couples. Choosing how to procreate is very personal and emotionally charged, and you cannot say that something is right across the board. For some people the biological aspect matters, for others it doesn't, and that is not right or wrong, just different.”
Would you ever adopt? Would you pull a Brangelina, and create a family both through adoption and by having biological children? As people wait longer and longer to have kids, and the world gets smaller and smaller, is that (ok, here’s a huge leap for ya…wait for it…) the family of the future?
Merry Christmas, girls and bees! It’s that special time of year when our thoughts turn to indulging in (or avoiding like the plague) egg nog and fruit cakes, snuggling in front the fireplace hung with stockings, exchanging gifts wrapped in bright paper, strolling down the street caroling, attending midnight mass, admiring the beautiful decorations, and doing it under the tree.
Yes, doing it under the tree!
According to an extremely scientific poll, 18% of iVillagers (last I checked) say they’ve done it under the Christmas tree, and they’ll do it again! And 22% say “Hmmm, haven't thought of that, but I will now!” Now THAT’S what I call some Christmas spirit!
Okay, every day when I get home, my Christmas tree has a whole lot of shed pine needles under it. To me, and this is just my opinion! – pine needles = ouchy. But maybe that just, ahem, adds to the thrill?
pauliesgirl77: “Nope, no need to try to fit under the tree to do that.”
msriede : “I want to but we just haven’t… I have no idea why I want to, though.”
amermae: “Hahahaha. I almost spit my coke out when I read this!! We have this tiny 3 foot fake Christmas tree and just imagining us trying to do ANYTHING under it has me cracking up. Too funny.”
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus indeed!
You know when your boyfriend/husband/significant other asks one of those hypothetical questions that he obviously must think is a good idea at the time, but that just ends up starting a huge fight? Don’t you love those? Like, “Well, if you HAD to make out with a movie star, which one would it be?” Oh, or, “If we HAD to have a threeway, who would you add?” Yeah. Well, here’s another one for ya:
On the Too Much Nip and Tuck board, pink.ice asks: “So if it was your DH/SO who approached you and said, ‘honey, *I* would like for you to get Breast Implants’...”
What would you do?
loverbee21: “If I wanted them I would get them and for sure, but if I didn’t, hell no. He met me with this size boobs and he should be happy. I would be upset.”
nick91171: “No way!! Any guy who would have the nerve to tell me to change the way I look is either too big of a jerk or too stupid to be with me.”
nineteen_again : “Definitely not. However . . . if he suggested plastic surgery on my face, I'd definitely consider if I could find the funds to do it. (I'm age 65, and he is 39.)”
Personally, I think some face-slapping would be in order, but that's just my opinion.
Over on the Debt-Support board, athenamorrigan posts: “On another board, several people are stating that if you don't have at least $18,000 in savings, then you are in a really poor position to be starting a family.”
Hmm. I mean, I know raising a child is an expensive venture. MSN Money actually has an interesting little chart that parses it out, giving the cost of raising a child from $124,800 to $249,180. That’s total, or anyway, until age 17. But, uh, that doesn’t even include college or, god help us all, graduate school. I guess the lesson is: It’s easier if you have money. So...it's like everything else. In the world. Hm, thanks.
But back to this question of how much one needs to start… mommabean3: “That's a load of baloney! We didn't have that much when we started our family. We don't have that much now and we have 3 kids. We are putting money into retirement, but it's not ‘cash liquid.’ All of the stuff that they say that a baby needs is a bunch of bogus. Really. Trust me, I have 3 kids.”
kaypurdue : “Eep! At that rate, I'll be in my 50s before it's ‘okay’ for me to start having kids!”
layman75: “We had a couple of thousand and lots of used stuff for our son. I am a very firm believer in having health insurance and life insurance…I think not having debt is a great help but if everyone waited until they were debt free (assuming they don't have debt to go with their savings) and at least 18K in the bank, there wouldn't be any kids born until the parents are in their late 30s or early 40s if even then.” Which, granted, lots of people do do, especially in New York City. But then aren’t there a whole other list of concerns? Is it ever The Right Time?
purl2 writes, “Honestly, there is no right answer on this one....you can argue that a couple needs to be financially stable and 18,000 may represent 6 months of living expenses in an emergency fund but obviously that varies from location to location."
And cl-beckymk writes exactly what I would have suspected to be the case: “There is never a perfect time to have a family...let's see I've heard you should have a house, you should be completely debt free, you should have a million dollars saved up to pay for expenses including college, you should, should, should, should...”
What do you think? Especially if you don’t have kids, what would it take to make you feel READY, financially?
On Frugal Families, e13lorena has a confession to make. “My name is Erin and I'm a Christmas slacker!”
Everyone, “Hi, Erin.”
“I don't have my tree up, decorations out or up, nothing. I always have my decorations up by now, usually the first week of December, but with school and finals and ugh, ugh, ugh, all this crap we've had to deal with lately I just got my Thanksgiving and Halloween stuff packed up yesterday, the boxes are still sitting out even…. I also haven't sent out Christmas cards yet. I know I have some boxes of them in with the decorations, so I didn't wanna buy new ones. Anyone else wanna admit it?”
How much have you done? Got the shopping taken care of? Decorating? Cooking? Or are you like Erin, still lollygagging around with remnants of the Autumn holidays?
cl-monkeesmom: “This December has been more like spring. The last few days it's been in the mid-50s to low 60s. Just doesn't feel like Christmas. I know this is contributing to my feet dragging...”
Mm-hmm. Anyone else want to blame their Christmas slackerdom on global climate change? ;)
Congratulations! Why don’t you tell a person! That’s so great. I can’t believe you were selected as Time’s person of the year. Your parents must be so proud. Man, that’s really great. “Yes, you. You control the Information Age. Welcome to your world.”
And, as cl-libraone posts on In The News: “Let us not forget iV message board members! :)”
millimax isn’t so convinced, though. “I watched part of the decision proceed on TV today, and in the end I had a flat feeling. In is too cute by far... I guess in one way, if everyone examines their conscience we might grasp the impact of this person of the year. Honestly, I doubt it, we will see just another gimmick.”
cl-libraone: “Yes the decision is a bit cutsy. On the other hand it's pretty amazing the one can make a query about any subject/topic & receive answers/opinions from anywhere in world.”
I don’t know about you all, but everyone I’ve talked to has the same kind of head-scratching response to the announcement that Time Magazine has decided that, um, everyone is person of the year. What is this, kindergarten? We’re all special! Hey, I’m as excited by the growth of user-generated digital technology as the next, but was that really the most significant thing that happened this year? And, I don’t know, aren’t we already self-centered enough, holed up with our own little YouTube videos and our own little blogs? Do we need to be congratulated for it?
Ok, ok, I know that Time’s whole deal is that the person of the year is the one who influenced it the most, not the one who influenced it the best.
Here's what Nora Ephron wrote about it in her piece “On Being Person of the Year”: “I especially love the part about ‘working for nothing,’ I especially love the condescension in that phrase, the dead giveaway about how Time Magazine really feels about the giant collective unwashed, unpaid You Out Here that is nonetheless making life a misery for Them In There -- for the Old Media scrambling to figure out What It Means for things like the future of print, the paper business, network television, privacy, and their jobs, for which (it goes without saying) they are paid.”
I love that! Zing!
So, what do you think? After all, you’re the person of the year!
Even if your office holiday party isn’t as grim as, say, the one they had on The Office last week (complete with Kevin from accounting choosing “You Oughta Know” as his karaoke number)…chances are, you have a holiday party to go to that you’re dreading at least a little. “At least 60 percent of the people we work with are shy,” Terry Pithers of Style for Success, a business etiquette firm, was quoted as saying in a recent New York Times article. “And with less and less face time in our culture, people tend to be lacking in skills for starting and getting out of conversations.”
That’s right, you’re not the only one who gets nervous when suddenly made to mingle. The article goes on to quote Daniel Goleman, the author of “Social Intelligence,” as saying, “social phobia is the common cold of emotional disorders. ‘Everyone’s anxious,’ he said. ‘And it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy when you say you won’t have a good time. It can make it hard.’”
What about when you are a recovering alcoholic or substance abuser, and holiday parties force you to explain why you’re not sucking down the egg nog? Or when you actually have a social behavior disorder? If parties are tricky for 60% of people, these extra kinks must make the things darn near impossible.
cl-wifemomteacher posts on the 12-Step Recovery board: “During this time of year (and at other times) we are constrained by good manners to be social, whether or not that is in our nature. I don't deal well with social situations, but do have some social functions I need to attend. So...my question is....how do you deal with uncomfortable situations?”
anotherjenny : “I tend to go into wallflower mode. ;)”
josannajava: “When I am in uncomfortable social situations, I am a wallflower after I eat too much, not a binge, but definitely more than one needs to maintain their weight. Food is my ‘drug’ of choice so I revert to it to survive life at times.”
cl-mollmae: “I will stay for enough time to be not rude and then I will make my exit. Well, I have social anxiety disorder. :(“
The New York Times article describes the way Jeanne Martinet, author of a recently reissued book called “The Art of Mingling,” treats mingling as a form of exercise, to be regularly practiced. She offers her techniques: she gets started “by approaching the least-popular-looking person in the room.” She talks to each person for 5-15 minutes but no longer, and then she moves on.
Board members also have some small talk survival tips:
libelulle: “I call up one of my alter egos, PR Girl… I used to work in PR, and I use this side of me when I have to go to these functions especially the ones that are more work or networking related.”
nineteen_again: “Although most of the time I, too, make like a wallflower, occasionally I say to myself, ‘I'm strong. I can do this,’ and force myself to mix more than I'd like, taking the initiative in meeting people and in conversations.”
schematicphase: “My kids tell me I could talk to walls. And for some bizarre reason, I've found that people will tell me the most intimate and interesting things at parties. DH says I have a technique, which I never had noticed until he told me. What I tend to do is to sit with one person at a time and give them my undivided attention, then move to another. I don't sit in a group and chit chat.”
What’s your small-talk technique? Your mingling M.O.? Your, um, partying plan? Do you dread holiday parties, or do you look forward to them and enjoy the chance to be extra-social? And speak loudly, because I’m hiding by the punch bowl and I can barely hear you.
Have Hotter Sex Board, we have a problem.
“Hi, I'm in my early twenties and have been with my boyfriend for 4 years… I have never been able to achieve an orgasm during sex, including with my current boyfriend. I have been faking orgasms for the entire 4 years that we have been together. However, lately I can't motivate myself to have sex with my bf because I really want to have an orgasm and I know I won't, so it seems pointless.”
Sexpert Laura Corn responds: “Wow. Well I wouldn't go telling your bf that you've been faking it for nearly half a decade, but I would tell him that you've been having trouble having a big O lately, and that you want to show him how to make you come… Just keep trying and you'll figure it out, and the practice will sure be a lot of fun!”
curiousj3 : “The problem is that the more you focus on the fact that you're not having orgasms, the least likely you will have them. You've probably heard it before but it really is a mind thing. You can train yourself to bring your mind back to the moment and the feelings you're experiencing.”
Can you imagine faking it for FOUR YEARS? And isn’t this, like, every guy’s nightmare?
Maybe this girl should consider checking out some of our more, ahem, illuminating reading material?
Just something to think about before heading off to whatever plans your weekend holds in store…
Oh, Oprah. What will you come up with next? This week Oprah had on a woman who says she has cracked the secret language of babies. Um, it’s not as silly as it sounds. On the November 2006 Expecting Club board, cl-tracib23 posts: “I am watching Oprah and thought this was amazing...I can hear the cries from Teagan but never really noticed the sound she made till now.”
From Oprah’s website: “After testing her baby language theory on more than 1,000 infants around the world, Priscilla says there are five words that all babies 0–3 months old say—regardless of race and culture….Those ‘words’ are actually sound reflexes, Priscilla says. ‘Babies all around the world have the same reflexes, and they therefore make the same sounds,’ she says. ..Priscilla recommends that parents listen for those words in a baby's pre-cry before they start crying hysterically. “
Mother of three lharnish22 posts: “Don't you just feel like you discovered gold????”
And krilerby, mother of four, writes: “I was amazed too!! I just finished watching it. While she was on, Riley started ‘owh,’ I gave him his paci, and off to sleep he went!! I am going to really have to start listening to him now!!”
pianobabe chimes in: “I could totally hear those noises made by the babies come from Zoe! I just need to memorize each sound and hopefully we'll be happier!”
j8nny: “It is amazing. I can now recognize his “eh” -- upper gas/burp sound, and it is great -- now I know to burp him right away! The other sounds are harder for me to pick up but I am definitely listening!”
I know, they sound like infomercial testimonials, right? But that’s just honestly how excited these moms are to discover that their babies are actually communicating with them. Has anyone ever had a “baby whisperer” moment? Or does this sound like a lot of hooey to you?
Hey, if dolphins and whales can talk to each other, I guess it’s not that crazy to think that babies talk in their own way.
Now if only they could learn to change their own diapers…
(Oh my god, and then, keep clicking through Oprah’s slideshow for a boy who echolocates, a bionic woman, and a soldier who carried around her skull in her abdomen. Fascinating. Completely fascinating.)
Sometimes there are just way too many interesting things buzzing on the boards to pick just one post. Here’s what’s hot today.
REACTION TO MARY CHENEY’S PREGNANCY
“Since when is a pregnancy ‘unconscionable?’ At least the writer had a sense of humour in calling Concerned Women for America a "think tank". Claiming Janet Crouse is a senior fellow of a think tank seriously is the only legitimate unconscionability (there we go, a new word!) I recognize… I wonder if Concerned Women for America think that abortion would be an understandable solution to this "unconscionable" pregnancy. I'm flummoxed that any pregnancy would be defined as "unconscionable" at all. I suppose Crouse contends that the prospect of a rich and educated pregnant lesbian is a far more egregious affront to women than a pregnant crack addict, or that having two well-off Moms from America's upper echelon of hypocritical politics is worse than having a strung out bio mom and a non-existent Baby Daddy.”
“All my life I have been taught that there is no skin color and that we should all be treated equally. I completely agree with this and have raised my children accordingly... until recently. I didn't think racism was a big issue in today's society. I was completely oblivious to skin color and had wonderful friends of all skin color. My view on people of other races changed when my son started pre-school. He is one of 3 white children that attend his pre-school. There are other schools that my child could have attended, but I chose to put him in that one because his friend (who is black) goes there and they wanted to go to school together. Every time I attend a school function or PTA meeting... I am looked at as if I am invading their territory. I feel like I am not wanted there.”
And the most passionate debate of all:
ARE THOSE REAL?
“Do you have a real Christmas tree or a fake Christmas tree? Is one better than the other? Why? Does the cutting of real Christmas trees hurt the environment? Or do those plastic tree that are not biodegradable or recyclable hurt it more?”
I’m not generally a big reality TV show person, but over this past, particularly lazy weekend I found a show I’m now obsessed with: Little People, Big World. It’s about this couple, both of whom have dwarfism, and their four children – one of whom is “LP” as they say (Little Person), and the other three of whom are “tall.” Seriously, this is the nicest, most lovely and warm family I’ve ever seen on TV. If the show has any flaws, it’s just that they’re all so nice to each to each other that there’s not a lot of drama. But I kept wanting to watch more, just to spend more time with these kind, generous people. They get a little bit of flack – the LP kid gets teased at school, every now and then they encounter an inconvenience (buffets and LPs? Not a good combo. Etc). But mostly they’re just…lovely.
Okay, I bring this up because there is a hot debate on the boards right now about this article that was recently in the New York Times, on parents who want kids like themselves, to the point that they will choose genetic defects for their babies. As in, genetically selecting fetuses that share the parents’ disabilities – from deafness to dwarfism. One mother who was interviewed (she has dwarfism), said she’d worried of her unborn child, “What is life going to be like for her, when her parents are different than she is?” Show me someone whose parents aren’t different than her in some way, and, well, I’ll eat my hat!
On the Morality Debate board, aliciamarie31 writes: “I personally find this appalling.”
imotherothers: “I just don’t get it. Why would a couple go through all that instead of just adopting a deaf child? I do consider it bizarre and borderline abuse to purposefully choose these things. Why not leave it up to natural chance? Deafness causes pain to children, they will grow up different. JMHO adopting a deaf child or having a hearing child who is bilingual w/ the deaf "culture" would be great wouldn't it? Dwarfs have many problems w/ their health so why not adopt or leave it up to chance?”
age-of-aquarius : “Neither deafness nor dwarfism is a painful or extremely debilitating condition, nor do they have any long term effects on overall health. I can see how people who were born that way would see it as something that simply makes them unique rather than something negative to be avoided.”
jujubee8411 : “It's a pretty selfish and self-centered thing to do. Making that decision for yourself is one thing -- making it for another person is altogether different.”
All I know is, the adorable Roloffs of Little People, Big World have one child who has dwarfism and three who aren’t. And for the record, those three “tall” kids seem exceptionally mature and compassionate for their ages. Isn’t it possible that growing up around people of different abilities and appearances and sizes can be an ultimate benefit to a person?
Shari Foos posted a piece on the Huffington Post yesterday entitled, “My Kinky Habit: Giving.” Titillating! Or wait, is it? Nah, not really. She writes, “It's not dirty but it's definitely deceptive. Doing this makes me seem better than I am, look better than I look after a root job and a blow dry…my secret is this: I like to give. I like to give because I like to get. It's selfish, really, but I'm sort of addicted. The more I do it the more I want. It's a pretty good jones. Giving anonymously is an orgasmic secret. Supporting good efforts is an honor. Loving the people in my life is a privilege. As anyone with this kinky habit can tell you, the amount is not what makes the gift valuable. Arguably, a gift from those who have less is more profound.”
Is it cheating if you like seeking out just the right gift for someone because their reaction will make you feel good? There is something so satisfying about being the One who Gets It, isn’t there? The One who knew just what kind of slippers Dad would actually like, or the One who writes the poem that makes the boyfriend tear up?
That’s why I love this new Holiday Gifts & Shopping board . In the spirit of sharing, people from all over are posting great gift ideas and deals. And I am promptly stealing them and pretending I thought of them myself. Mwah ha ha.
socialcrawl has a great tip for a free stocking stuffer your family will actually like.
cl-jdonahue1 shares how to get the much-coveted Elmo TMX for half-price.
ohkelly74 is getting lots of cute ideas for gifts for a stay-at-home mother of three.
And roll_a_mage has an issue many of us can relate to: the man in her life is impossible to shop for.
Stop in and add your own money-saving tips or inspired ideas. We all need a little extra help at this time of the year.
And what about giving anonymously? Are there charities or less-fortunate people or, as Foos puts it, good efforts, that you make an effort to remember at this time of year? I feel like it’s hard to find money, at this time of year, for anything extra, but maybe that’s exactly what makes it the right time to donate money or time. In fact, gosh darn it, maybe I should put my money where my mouth is, and donate some money to a cause I believe in. Right now. After all, Shari Foos says it’ll make me feel and look great.
And you can’t beat that with a candy cane, now can you.
The 20-Something Hangout board never fails to crack me up. nicky782006 posts: “I have a question for everyone: What does your SO think of your postings on iVillage? Do they know about them? I made the vile mistake of telling Chad that I post on iVillage, and that I enjoy talking to you all...and he thinks I'm a bit of a freak, which really aggravates me!! He says he would *never* talk to anyone online. Is this just a gender thing?... Perhaps I am naive, but I really don't think I'm talking to a bunch of 46 year old balding lonely men sitting around in their underwear.”
Ha! Joke’s on her, right?! I’m TOTALLY a 46-year-old balding lonely man. Aren’t you all? Oh wait, I mean. No. I’m not. I’m totally a 20-something female. With hair. I swear.
ANYway. I found this post really fascinating. And the responses:
ladibug119 : “Matt also doesn't ‘get it’ but he's becoming OK with it. I definitely think it's a gender thing. Now that he's nicknamed you guys ‘The Village People’ he's more comfortable with it…He hardly talks to his closest friends, just exchanging emails occasionally and talking on the phone every 6 weeks to three months. I, on the other hand, email/text/IM/messageboard/visit with so many friends from all aspects of life that it makes his head spin.”
razzmatazz580 : “LOL - this topic has come up so many times on this board! And you are not alone .... I think many of us have SO's who think that it's kind of weird that we post on here. I post on here for many of the same reasons you mentioned. Tony thinks it's OK but at first he thought it was really weird! Now he's more supportive but thinks that I should ‘first rely on my real life friends.’”
kateis2cool : “I told my DH that I recently started posting to this board, and while he's glad that I'm forming more friendships, he wants me to be very cautious about posting details about our lives just yet.”
psycho_chica : “*I* thought I was talking to a bunch of 46 year old balding lonely men sitting around in their underwear! Thanks for ruining my fun by telling me I was wrong. ;)”
Does the guy in your life understand your internet obsessions? If he’s suspicious of all the time you spend online, is it just because men and women are different?
It is a little weird to think of how much information accumulates online about each of us. I was just reading a piece in Jane magazine about a woman who was fired for her blog. Sure, we’ve all heard stories about people who’ve been “dooced,” but her blog was completely G-rated and not about work at all. Do you ever worry about the trail you leave when you post things online?
I promise not to send all your comments directly to your boss and/or boyfriend. Trust me! Why wouldn't you? I’m totally not a 46-year-old balding man!
Are the holidays getting too politically correct? And, hm, does my use of the word “holidays” rather than “Christmas” reveal anything?
boudicca40 posts this on In The News: “Christmas without a Christ? Sound odd? Turns out, Jesus in a Christmas festival may offend non-Christians… ‘[Chicago] Officials have asked organizers of a downtown Christmas festival, the German Christkindlmarket, to reconsider using a movie studio as a sponsor because it is worried ads for its film "The Nativity Story" might offend non-Christians. An executive vice president with New Line Cinema, Christina Kounelias…said she finds it hard to believe that non-Christians who attended something called Christkindlmarket would be surprised or offended by the presence of posters, brochures and other advertisements of the movie."One would assume that if (people) were to go to Christkindlmarket, they'd know it is about Christmas," she said.’”
isabella710 writes, "I read that today. Sorry but if it's called a 'Christmas' festival, people shouldn't be offended by 'The Nativity Story' and a nativity scene. And if they are, they should stay home. People have to stop caving into this nonsense."
kathleen__mary responds: “The Christkindlmarket in Chicago is basically an outdoor market (food, crafts, gifts), not a religious event, although I understand your point :)”
cl-libraone : “It would be a shame to change the intended tradition because it might offend.” Um, yes, but you know, things racism and sexism are also traditions in many places. I know I’m taking libraone’s words out of context, but doing something a certain way just because it’s “traditional” seems like specious logic to me.
kathleen__mary : “It's so interesting how things go, isn't it? Bringing Christ into the marketplace, ie. commercialization of Christmas, has been around so long now. Some Christians want that changed, some don't, and both consider the other stance offensive. “
Personally, I have mixed feelings. I’m Jewish, and so of course love nothing more than Christmas. Ever heard that song from “South Park,” “A Lonely Jew on Christmas”? Well, yeah! You feel a little left out. But not from the religious trappings. It’s everything else you want when you grow up without Christmas – the Macy’s windows and “It’s a Wonderful Life” and the good cheer and the tree and egg nog and light and sparkles and what have you. To me, that’s all Christmas is – a time of the winter when everything gets sparkly. So the less religious Christmas is, the more I’m okay with it being EVERYWHERE – Christmas blaring in every story, people greeting you with “Merry Christmas.” If all that really has to do with Jesus, then yes, count me out, don’t make any assumptions about my religious beliefs and say “Merry Christmas” to me, thanks but no thanks. But if it’s just a way of lighting up the long, dark nights of winter (in the same way that, hello, Hanukah is) and appreciating the people we love, then bring it on.
Know what I mean?
Can a marriage survive without romance? This is the topic of one of our newest boards. On it, nmsweetie posts: “I've been reading a lot about relationships lately...especially regarding the idea that women's expectations are wrong. We shouldn't EXPECT to be "romanced" once we’re in a long term-relationship. They say things like the initial romantic stage transitions into something else...but what is wrong with needing a little romance!!?”
What follows is an outpouring of personal stories, and some of these are real heartbreakers. Whenever there is a post having to do with romance-less marriages on one of our message boards, what surprises me most is the tone of the responses, which by and large tend to sound something like, “Oh yeah, of course. I don’t love my husband that way anymore, and he doesn’t love me that way either.” The resignation, the “of course.” It’s sad! I mean, of course a marriage mellows out from the initial lusty business… but do we really have to live our whole lives without romance?
Here are some of the stories.
“I was married before I met [my current husband], and by all accounts that marriage was successful. We had two perfect children together, we bought a house and made a home, we did things together as a family every weekend, he brought me flowers on Valentine's Day, even bought me a beautiful diamond ring... he did all the right things to make me feel good, but none of it worked because I didn't love him romantically. I felt like I was numb- I should be feeling so happy and alive and fulfilled, and I just felt sad and lonely. Leaving him was the best thing I ever did for myself and for my family. It was the hardest and worst thing, too, but I don't regret it for even a second. We were too young to understand how important it is to be true to oneself, and once I got the courage to lovingly let him go and free myself, I knew it was the right thing to do.
Here's the thing- in my first marriage, even when things were going GREAT and we were *happy*, I still felt so sad and lost. In my second marriage, when things are horrible and I feel like the world is ending because of financial or health issues or whatever... when we hit those horrible low spots that happen in a normal marriage, I still feel so blessed to be with my husband. I just don't feel lonely or lost, ever.”
“I talked to DH yesterday about it. He was adamant that ‘things change’ after a while, and that's just how it is. I asked him why that had to be. I reminisced about how nice it was when we were dating, and how nice it felt to be wanted and loved, and I asked him what romance meant to him. He said ‘flowers, limo, lots of money being spent!!!’ I told him he was NUTS if he thought that my feelings about romance were the same. He said that he only said it because he thought that's what I wanted. Strange, we never rented a limo when we were dating! LOL Why would he think that???”
“His idea of romance is us having sex every few days, which is basically the only time he touches me or shows me affection…He doesn't even tell me he loves me anymore. His thing is ‘well you know that already so why should I keep repeating myself?’ I feel stifled and honestly, if it wasn't for our 8-year old son, I'd be long gone.”
“I don't think a marriage can survive without romance. I've been married over 40 years, and have never been touched except during sex…As other posters have said, it doesn't take money, for heavens sake. Just holding hands in the mall, or a kiss now and then. I get nothing, and it has made me so lonely I really wonder how I can stand it.”
Some posters suggest therapy or talking to the husbands in question. But, as one woman writes, “After telling my husband what I need (affection, touches, kisses, kind words..) he is beginning to give them to me slowly. And part of me is thrilled and another part wonders if it's too little too late.”
How can a marriage survive the slumps? When is it too late? I get that you talk to your SO, you try to work it out. But what happens when one or both of you isn't willing to put in the work it takes to keep that spark alive? Staying in a loveless marriage seems harder to me than leaving one, but I see how fear and inertia could take hold.
So, what do you think?
If you had a moment to catch your breath between work, the guy, the kids, holiday shopping, and everything else last week, you might have come across this article in New York Magazine. The article focuses on crazy, harried New Yorkers and the taken-for-granted breakneck pace of 60-hour-minumum work weeks and everything else. But I think the basic message applies to most Americans – we’re just trying to do too much at once, and tend not to listen to the signals our bodies send telling us to rest or get a little more balanced. Lots of us can relate to that moment where you just feel like you can’t take anything more – when you’re a battery that won’t hold a charge.
The article reads: “It’s possible there’s something wrong with our professional environments—and perhaps, more broadly speaking, our culture of work. Isn’t this worthy of examination? Work, after all, is a form of religion in a secular world. Burning out in it amounts to a crisis of faith.”
On our Stress & Women board, cl-lisacap21 writes, “Have you ever reached a point in your career or in your homelife where you feel burned out? Have you ever felt as if you're running in place and getting nowhere? What causes you to burnout and how do you handle it? Any ideas for turning burnout around?”
gypsyoflove: “YES!!!!!!!!! I am burned out yet at the same time I feel..... lifted. Does that make sense? Like sometimes I get so burned out I know it's time to make a change. Lately I have been listening to the way I feel and following my healthy urges (like artwork). That is very helpful ;)”
dan_lizzie: “I get that way from time to time. Right now I'm feeling that way both at work and at home. I usually put my energy into cross stitch or reading. Other times I really clean a lot but with how things are at home right now, cleaning there is the last thing that I want to really get into. I'm open to any and all suggestions on this one.”
cl-capecod89: “Not really feeling burned out now but overwhelmed instead!”
jennimene1939 : “Excellent topic for this time of the year, Lisa, heading into Winter and the holiday season are good triggers for burn out.”
cluelessinthekitchen : “I feel burned out ALL THE TIME. Running in place and getting nowhere? Welcome to my life . . .”
The MYMag article ends up in kind of an odd place, focusing on busy professionals who drop out of the rat race and enter divinity school, devoting themselves to work they see as more vital to human life and spirituality. Um, okay. I get it. We could all use more balance between our workaday selves and our inner selves. But (no offense to our friends the nuns) I’d love to know how the rest of us can deal with burnout without dropping out or changing our career paths. Or is that the only way to really, really combat burnout? What do you think?
I used to go swimming at a YWCA where mostly very old women swam laps. I remember once -- it was probably about March -- one of the ancient swimmers eyed me suspiciously and said, "So, you're still here. Usually the young ones drop off by now." This sounded rather menacing to me until I realized she was talking about New Year's Resolutions... you know, those things you swear you'll do, and quit by February?
Yes, it's that time of year again... over on the Gym Rats board, cl-jeanwl asks, "Does anyone make New Years Resolutions? If so, what is it? Even if you don't, is there anything you'd like to do/learn the next year?"
I took a break from snarfing down holiday cookies to read these responses: "I don't make New Years resolutions. If I want to do something, I'd rather just start now. The next year, I'd love to pass the personal training certification, get certified to teach spin/indoor cycling, learn to snowboard, get in lots of skiing. Hopefully, that'll all be done by the summer and I can have new goals then. "
"Currently it's just to try to complete the upcoming 50k without dying... I seriously have my doubts. LOL!"
"I set goals for myself every month. They range from areas of my house I want to clean to habits I want to break to fitness goals. Sometimes they carry over from month to month, sometimes I get to cross them off my list. I dont make new years resolutions, never have..."
Most posters say "nay" on the whole New Year's resolution deal, but definitely have goals they'd like to address, be it in the next year or the next month. It strikes me that New Year's can be a good excuse to step back and examine yourself, see where you've come in the past year, and where you hope to go in the next. And as for getting fit, well, just in case you are looking to lose a few pounds or get in better shape, there's the iLose it For Good Community Challenge. Want to throw out the fat pants for good? You're not alone...