That Lovin' Feeling

I think that a lot of the attraction of the affair is that you get all the good stuff and none of the bad. You get to maintain--or at least the illusion of maintaining--that first blush of love feeling. The heady infatuation--without the dirty socks. The thrill of the first kiss--without planning a household budget. The anticipation of the first touch--without arguing over who takes the trash out.

In other words you get to exist in a bubble where reality plays no part. :)

Affairs are bad.

I agree that there is a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone, but I don't think it's true that life is too short to just "not be in love." Life is too short to waste your time with someone you are in love with, but don't love! All the fireworks and sparks in the world won't translate into a substantial, sacrificial relationship without love. But I also realize that even people who love each other very much can lose the "in love spark." I think, though, that you can look for ways to indulge this, to continue to fan it, to keep it going. I'm not saying it's easy, but if life really is too short to live without loving AND being in love, then shouldn't you be willing to work at it a bit?

As Plato defined " Love is the spontaneous movement of the soul towards the goodness of the other." Taking this into consideration, I am absolutely apalled at what I have read in the above article. When you love some you are IN LOVE with them. This is a marriage of the true minds, where the spark never fades, since it is an ever fixed mark. You will never stop being in love, the last thing you will think of is cheating on the person you love. Everyone else appears just shades of gray. So for all those "producers" who are cheating on their husbands that they "supposedly" love- You don't love them nor are you in love with them- it is possibly just having someone there. So stop insulting any great person that ever loved- and leave the one you don't love, the one that doesn't light your flame day in and day out. Trust me- You're doing both yourself and your pitiful "life" partner a favour.
Cheers!!

Thanks for the comment, Maddy. I have to say, I personally agree with you that the commitment involved in a marriage by definition precludes cheating, no matter how you think you feel, and that staying in a marriage while cheating (in my opinion) is not a good option.

But I do want to clarify -- this isn't an article, nor am I condoning cheating. Just bubbling up some of the voices of our message board community -- albeit on a really touchy, controversial subject!

Obviously it's a hot topic. Also, it totally rules that someone quoted Plato in a blog comment. I love that.

you can not be in love with your wife or husband and have an affair. Wake up all of you it's about better sex and nothing else. I have been doing this for 15 years with the same man and it's sex sex sex. He doesn't tell me he loves his wife and I don't tell him I love my husband because we don't. And money it's all about sex and money. They want crazy sex but they don't want to leave the money.

I agree with ANG and to add, if you truly "loved" someone you wouldn't continue being "in love" with someone else behind their backs. Affairs happen because of physical, sexual attraction, people who want to avoid the responsibility and commitment that is required when loving someone. In love only gives you a one-sided clouded view of the good and nothing of the bad, but if you take a more neutral stance you'll probably begin to see some things that might make you question if you could love that person long-term.

im having an affair and yes sometimes im ripped with guilt. i wasn't driven into it.. neither was he. and we both dont pretend that it was an accident or a one night thing. no. we just want a caring relationship and i agree with lynn it all boil downs to sex. sex sex and more sex. as for the guilt it's not there when i really focus on how we are as a couple - honestly, i feel more comfy with him than any other person and i can just be myself. it honestly doesnt feel like an affair.

Affairs often have more to do with what's going on in the cheater's life than some irrestible attraction, or love. Somebody's depressed and the affair is an escape. Someone can't communicate with their spouse, so instead of digging into that mess, they "communicate" with someone else. Maybe the cheater's afraid of growing old and needs to prove to themselves they can still attract. Maybe the cheater has gotten addicted to the thrill of "illicit" sex as an escape from the problems of every day life. Sometimes it is love, but I think that's actually pretty low down on the list, and may just be a way to rationize the selfish, destructive behavior involved in an affair.

I have a question. I met a guy a year & a half ago. It wasn't until I knew him for 3 months that he told me he was engaged. He'd been with her for 8 years. I'm single, and still am. But that didn't stop our budding relationship. After nine months of flirting & "what ifs" we finally had sex. It wasn't until after, that he started saying how much he loved his fiancee. They did get married, but four months after their wedding, we were together again. He says he loves her and he has to do the right thing. I believe him when he says he loves her, but I don't believe he's "in love" with her. Like so many of you said, if you're in love with your partner, you wouldn't consider being with another. Before you ask, yes I fell in love with him. He admitted that he has feelings for me, but he remains married. What am I to think about all this? Does he truly love his wife, or is he confused?

Ignorance is bliss.Instead of trying to run away or forget problems by having a affair, try facing up to them like a real respectful person would. Im sure youd be very surprised by the outcome! Im 19 years old.I havent had a papmered life, Ive seen things like this happen around me all the time and it always ends the same way! Someone will always be hurt by an affair..Why not do it the simpler way and tell the person that you are partnered with or married to that you arent sure about your feelings toward them anymore and see what happens? Sure they might hate your guts and kick your ass out but at least theres some honest dignity in that and you wont be guilty, depressed, ugly, heavy or selfish!!! There are so many positives and up sides to being honest with yourself and others,just get over it and start living.There are so many people on this tiny earth waiting & looking for someone.Dont waste your time with someone that already made a commitment to someone else, they will never love you the way you want,cheers

People who have affairs ultimately love themselves more than anybody else. I know that sounds harsh but it is selfish. Honestly, if you cared about your husband or wife you would let them know what is going on. That way, they could decide to leave or stay. It would be showing them respect as a human being.

The worse part of an affair for the wounded party is being betrayed and living by a double standard (if you have been faithful). If someone isn't "in love" with me, I would much rather know about it so I could go out and find someone who is. Life is too short to live a lie.

Think about your WHOLE Life (not just 1 exciting part of it.) Now decide what will give u the most satisfaction in the end. We are most fulfilled by the number of meaningful relationships we have.
So, the answer is probably yes- but you should spend some time exploring the other end of the spectrum in which u r comparing. "Love" encompasses everything- even being "in love."
Be "in love" w/ yourself, your kids, Life itself. Be "in love" w/ what u'v got for 1 minute.
Also realize that to REALLY be "in love" with someone also means that you "love" him/her also. Love is a Verb-, remember! To be "in love" with someone that you "really love" at the same time will sometimes involve a little anticipation of where a life together will lead you.

I am married and had an affair with a married man. I have been married for 19 years and he has been married for over 10 years. We met and were attracted to each other and decided to have sex. I don't regret it and I know he doesn't regret it. We are friends and we both love our spouses. I'm not saying it's right, but it happens and it happened to me, when I thought I would never do something like this.

I have been married for 17 years (my second one) and now we are living apart before I'm working here in usa and I'm living here with a guy that is 15 years younger than me, I feel really good but like everybody says is only sex I can't imagine my life with him,diferent cultur, manners and education is ok just for the season (jajaja)

My Husband had a affair with the women at his work she was 12 year younger than him he is 51 if i think of all the hurt done by the two of them to both familys. My question is was it worth it? My husband said afterwards it was a mistake one he would have to live with.So life goes on but you never trust again.

My Husband had a affair a few years ago. He said he thinks the reason it happen was because he and I couldn't seem to talk to each other like we use too and she listened. It finally lead to sex. When I found it out,he finally admited to it,stopped all contact with her. It made our marriage stronger and our sex life better also. AND we now talk about anything and everything.

You have got to be kidding me. I can't believe what I'm reading! Is it really socially acceptable to have an affair? What in the crap does marriage MEAN then? Is it really all about selfish gratification...regardless of personal integrity, regardless of consequences that affect generations of those loved ones you have promised to care for and defend?
EVERYONE faces the temptation to cheat, it's part of life. Every man and every woman has to prepare themselves for that moment to come when they feel they can get away with anything, and arm themselves with honor, integrity, and honesty with their spouse. My husband and I individually make the decision to work together and make our marriage improve, to keep the "spark" alive, to put the other's needs before our own. And because we DECIDE, every day, to be married and "in love", we are!! It is no more difficult than that.
I personally feel that no one, realizing that the power to feel "Love" for a spouse is completely in their control, would settle for less!

When one has an affair one ends up loving/giving their mate less bc their attention/desires are directed elsewhere. Men who cheat are predictable. Ask any PI. As long as they can get away with it the affair continues. When the heat is on they lie low. When confronted they get angry, deny & create all kinds of diversion. When the truth is finally their tails go between their legs as they beg forgiveness, it was "a mistake" as if just accidentally stepped on a cat. They swear their undying love for their wife & claim confusion, etc. (affair fog) begging for forgiveness & one more chance. Wife now has upperhand giving H ultimatums & hoops he must jump thru. H is doing his best, which is never enough, at a time when he is mourning the absence of his lost love/friend, which leads to resentment towards a wife who's having sexual issues, making H feel unloved and undesirable, all the while OW is waiting in the wings with an understanding & open heart (not to mention legs). Isn't too hard to figure out what happens next.

That "fresh love" feeling people say they feel during affairs is lust and chemistry, not love.

People who cheat or who help others cheat are confused about what love is.

Love is a deep bond and compassion for another person. It only comes from serving and having a desire to serve another person. Husbands and wives will fall out of love if they stop doing things for each other and if they stop having intimate conversations with each other. Love, like electric current, must flow in order to stay alive. Contrary to popular belief, you choose how deeply you love your spouse. People who fall "out of love" have simply become bored with their lust object and fall into the selfishness rut, thinking things like "I deserve more passion, I deserve someone hotter, etc." Real love takes work, time, patience, and sacrifice. Real love is what makes life worth living.

There is nothing good about an affair. My DH and I have aurvived one. But that doesn't mean that it didn't come with a price. It came with a huge price. However, affairs happen because something is missing in the marriage. IT is still wrong. You have to make the choice to love, forgive, and forget. You have to make the choice just like you make the choice to be married. I know that after being married, things happen and your marriage can sometimes lose its spark. But the spark can be renewed and it is still there, you jsut have to find it again.

I don't think an affair is always about selfishness. In my situation, I am unhappily married and I met someone who happens to be a mutual friend of ours that hangs out with us on weekends. He is married as well. The last thing that I want to do is to hurt my family or his, but the attraction is greater than anything I have ever experienced in my entire life. Thoughts of him consume me and it is like this magnetic force pulling us together. We have not had sex yet, but I can't guarantee that I won't give in. If only we were in a different time I think we would have been perfect for each other. It is really depressing. And it doesn't help that my marriage is on the rocks with a husband that segregates himself, resents me and says horrrible things to me. As for us, I don't think that there was ever much love coming from him, I just was delusional and thought for the past five years that I could make it work and now I am waking up...I know my marriage is over, I just can do anything about it right now...