November 2006 Archives
In case you somehow missed the Rachel Weisz “drinking while pregnant” s**storm, a little while back there was a whole hullabaloo when the British-born actress said that she thought it was "fine" for expectant mothers to have a glass of wine after the first three months of pregnancy. She said, "I mean in Europe they drink it." And then everyone freaked out.
An article in today's newspaper picks up the topic again. “Many American obstetricians, skeptical about the need for total abstinence, quietly tell their patients that an occasional beer or glass of wine — no hard liquor — is fine…’If a patient tells me that she’s drinking two or three glasses of wine a week, I am personally comfortable with that after the first trimester,’ said Dr. Austin Chen, an obstetrician in TriBeCa…Americans’ complicated relationship with food and drink — in which everything desirable is also potentially dangerous — only becomes magnified in pregnancy."
The article goes on to suggest that light drinking during pregnancy is more accepted in Europe because there wine and beer are more equated with food, while here in the States alcoholic beverages are more equated with drugs.
There certainly seems to be a stigma that many Americans attach to even occasional drinking. See also: the recent impassioned debates about moms having cocktails while their kids play together.
On the June 2007 Expecting Club board, cutenewmommy2007 posts: “Prior to my pregnancy I was a social drinker. My fiance and our friends (mostly guys) went to parties and bars and I used to drink quite a bit and go out to have a good time. Now I'm at a point where I'm watching everyone else drink and have a good time while I sit and drink club soda…I know I'm going to have a bad time at a bar. The only reason you go to a bar is to drink!”
shermanthree: “First of all, in some countries (like France) it is normal that a mother is ‘allowed’ a drink (a glass of wine) a week without harming the baby. I would look into the research that says you can't drink at all and see the statistics of what is harmful to the baby. As far as I understand they are not sure how much is harmful to the fetus, but they do know that drinking excessively is definitely harmful…It may be a cultural thing though because here people don't drink to get drunk, so there is more of an open mindset about going out to a bar or pub and not drinking. I know that American culture is not the same. I have a lot of fun with my friends even when they drink and I don't.”
Did you, or would you drink occasionally while pregnant? Now don’t get all crazy here, you know I’m not talking about binge-drinking every night. I’m talking the one or two glass a week plan, like the Frenchies do. What do you think?
Just read this fascinating article on teen anorexia from last weekend’s Times Magazine: “That summer, Kitty was 14. She was 4-foot-11 and weighed 71 pounds. I could see the angles and curves of each bone under her skin. Her hair, once shiny, was lank and falling out in clumps. Her breath carried the odor of ketosis, the sour smell of the starving body digesting itself…Kitty's anorexia was diagnosed a few weeks before, at the end of that June…Anorexia is one of the deadliest psychiatric diseases; it's estimated that up to 15 percent of anorexics die, from suicide or complications related to starvation. About a third may make some improvement but are still dominated by their obsession with food.”
This mother describes anorexia as being like a demon who takes over her daughter: “Meanwhile, the demon sat at our table and spewed venom: ‘I'm a lazy pig. You're trying to make me fat.’ And, one night, terrifyingly: ‘I just want to go to sleep and never wake up.’” Yipes. As if surviving junior high isn't hard enough! Hello, The Exorcist.
As cl-jlsjjsmom writes in our new Teen Eating Disorders board, “There is nothing more terrifying than to watch your child starve themselves - as a mother our basic instinct is to feed our children.”
Lots of people are joining the discussions on this new board – whether they are people who’ve battled with eating disorders themselves, or parents of teens who have eating disorders.
“My now 24.5 yo daughter has had eating ‘issues’ since middle school, but it never really blossomed into a full blown ED until earlier this year.”
“My 13 yr. old daughter is anorexic. I'm so sad. She is a beautiful girl with a great personality,and its so hard to see her destroy her body. We are in therapy, but I'm so scared.!!! She is 5'2&1/2 and 105pds. She maybe consumes 500 cal. a day. No period for 2 mths. Stays so cold all the time.”
“Jason had blood work done in early July and it came back 'OK'. By the 2nd week of August his liver and kidneys were starting to shut down.”
Check in with the board to join other parents for support and advice on how to spot the warning signs, what you can do to protect your child and where to find help for recovery.
And from our “News of the Strange” department…cl-nwtreehugger posts this on the In The News board. “A homeowners association in southwestern Colorado has threatened to fine a resident $25 a day until she removes a Christmas wreath with a peace sign that some say is an anti-Iraq war protest or a symbol of Satan…Lisa Jensen said she wasn't thinking of the war when she hung the wreath. She said, ‘Peace is way bigger than not being at war. This is a spiritual thing.’ Jensen, a past association president, said the fines could cost her about $1,000, but she's not going to take the wreath down until after Christmas.”
mommeebear responds, “I think I sprained my eyes, rolling them so hard at this story!!! Since when is a peace sign Satanic? It's the very essence of the holidays! ‘Peace on Earth’, hello????”
cl-nwtreehugger: “I would think peace would be the ultimate goal regardless of whether or not one supports the war in Iraq...but some people only see what they want to see.”
mountainlaurel2005: “As far as the Peace sign? what is wrong with these people??? Maybe one in the association is a war profiteer or something. How about Halloween decorations? If anything is Satanic, they ARE! Furthermore I'm so sick and tired of this Politically Correct BS, cause that is what it is, and I'm sick of it.”
cl-libraone points out this part of the article --"Kearns ordered the architectural control committee to require Jensen to remove the wreath, but members refused, saying it was a seasonal symbol that didn't say anything. Kearns fired all five members.” – as seeming particularly Scroogey. What’s up with this guy and his homeowners’ association? Are they really just offended by what they see as an anti-war in Iraq statement, perhaps because they have loved ones at war? Is there some other part of the story we’re not getting? Personal vendetta, anyone? And just who gets to call the shots on acceptable expressions of Christmas spirit? (cue Jimmy Stewart voice) -- "Why, Mr. Kerns, you're nothing but a warped, frustrated old man!"
There is something creepy about the relatively recent dramatic increase in asthma and severe allergies in kids, don't you think? I recently voted in my local school and was horrified to see that it's PEANUT-FREE! Childhood, without PB&Js? The horror. Anyway, so I found this article in the Science Times interesting... and a bit alarming. The author writes about discovering that both her sons had severe asthma and food allergies:
"Our sons were born in 1984 and 1987, and we encountered an awful lot of children their ages who had the same illnesses, far more than we remembered from our own generation. Statistics suggest that something strange was occurring in those years. From 1980 to 2003, the prevalence of asthma in children rose to 5.8 percent from 3.6 percent, an increase of about 60 percent, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention."
Hmm! Of course iVillagers are talking about this, too... my3sweetboys’s recent post on the Children’s Asthma board expresses just how scary it can be to have a kid with asthma: “How do you help your child to control/treat their asthma at school? Do they bring along an inhaler every day or do you have one on hand in the office for them? What about PE and recess times? Does the teacher/school officials know about your child’s asthma and help watch them?... This is just a stressful part to me. I know I can handle things, but don't fully trust others to handle things correctly. *sigh*”
And here’s another unsettling thought: what if your kid’s asthma medicine just makes things worse? l_silk writes: " My DD is 4.5 years old. She was diagnosed with asthma at 21 months of age. Her allergist wanted her to try Flovent this cold season. She has been a BEAST the past few weeks. I am not sure I can solely attribute it to the Flovent, but I am starting to wonder. She has been moody, angry, and slightly aggressive to her sister.”
cl-midwestmama2ark_amk: “We don't use Flovent, but I have heard from a lot of people that it can cause their kiddos to act jittery.”
momtx2boys writes, "My ds (now 8) was on Flovent when he was 5. It made him really wild! When he was on Flovent, he had serious behavior problems and school and was really moody and difficult. he had a lot of meltdowns… His ped said it is not really a medication that does that, but that all kids react differently so it might be. When we took him off the Flovent, he was fine.”
But then, as chowderheadmom points out: “I just have to say that between 4 and 5, maybe even till 6 years old is such a tough age. I'd have to say it's the age, not the meds.”
Sounds like there’s no proven behavioral side effects of the medication -- but try telling that to a mother who sees her child suddenly change. What do you do when everyone’s telling you one thing, but your experience and intuition say something else? And just how do you deal with a little kid away at school all day, at risk of asthma attacks -- and be sure you've chosen the right meds and the right treatment plan?
Here’s what I don’t get. If you start your holiday shopping before Thanksgiving, it feels ridiculously early. But by two or three days past Thanksgiving, it’s almost too late to do anything, and the more people you hear saying, “Oh, why, I’m finished with all MY holiday shopping,” the lousier you feel, until you give up and buy everyone gift certificates. Or wait, is that just me?
On the 20-Something Hangout board, seirith posts: “Anyone else have hard to buy for people at Christmas, that you think and think of what to buy them and it drives you nuts thinking about what to get them? My father is the hardest person to buy for!...So what does everyone here get for hard to buy for people?”
Yeah, what is it about dads that makes them so impossible to shop for? Personally, I think it should be a rule that dads must choose one shoppable hobby – whether it’s golf or model trains or collecting old albums – so that we know what to get them. But rest assured, seirith, you’re not alone… stardustpixie writes, “Both my parents are awful to buy for... they already HAVE everything they need, and if they don't have it, they'll go buy it themselves (or it'll be something that you wouldn't even think that they need) ... and they HATE gift certificates (I think they think it's tacky, especially coming from their children...) The past few years, I've decided to get my mom started on one of those Christmas villages, so every year, I've been buying her a piece to go with it, because I know she won't buy those for herself.” There’s an idea! CREATE a hobby for someone. Then you always know what to get them.
sparkle.tangerine has some more bright ideas: “i really enjoy giving (and recieving lol) gift baskets. Like i find out things they use on a daily basis etc. Shampoo, soaps, razors, new toothbrush, you know, toiletries. Then a few fun things like candy, chocolate they like, socks they tend to wear, a gift certificate in there as well for someplace they like or you know they shop at.”
rhodapenmark: “I like to make gift baskets also! More than once I've given my dad and/or stepdad movie gift baskets, just because neither of them have many interests that are "gift-friendly" ;-) I put in microwave popcorn, movie theater-type candy, and then movie gift certificates, a giftcard for rentals, and/or a DVD. They both loved it. I don't wanna do it TOO often though LOL."
cl-kgirlie22: “One thing that I found that when you run out of "material" things to get them, sporting event/concert/movie tickets work wonders!”
Okay, I’m sorry. I know this post is getting long, but these are some great ideas, aren’t they? I admit that I just stopped typing long enough to scribble down “movie tickets!” – take that, formerly hard-to-shop-for family member!
Still stumped? There are more great gift-giving ideas here and here. Or, add your own below! No, really. I’m not done shopping yet.
It’s Black Friday. Do you know where your Christmas presents are?
cl-bribug13 over at the Superwomen board is calling all superwomen to answer to important question: are you a Black Friday shopper?
cl-ibean_si: “Nope, there has to be a super good deal for me to risk my life and my sanity shopping on Black Friday…I stay home and watch the news reports of the insanity laughing since most of my shopping is done and I don’t have to face that mess.” Personally, I was laughing at this post until I processed the “most of my shopping is done.” Then I started crying. Then I started making a shopping list.
Brave kirarulez posts: “I'm there if there is something that I really want to get someone for Christmas that has a huge discount that morning. And, I am usually there as soon as the doors open. I usually only get up about a half hour before stores open, because it only takes me about 5 min to get dressed, another 5 to drink some coffee, and about 15 min to get to the store.” So, she’s one of those, eh?
greenhousekay: “It amazes me how insane some people go for these sales. People go to jail for fighting! Great example you're setting for your kids. You want something but someone was in line before you? No problem just hit them in the face and take it! Geez.”
Okay, nice post, lady. Now get out of my way before I run you down with my cart.
It’s a Thanksgiving post spectacular!
How are you spending the holiday today? The Joyful Home board wants to know if you are hosting any holiday dinners, and whether or not they’re invited. Just kidding about that last part.
Oh, and the April SweetPeas Play Group called – they were wondering how you spend your Thanksgiving day. How many plates of food will you really eat? Will you watch the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade? Any wacky family traditions we should know about?
And, last but not least, hilarious navasha at the Military Wives Board asks the (potentially dangerous) question: “What do you wish you could really say to all your holiday guests/family members this weekend?”
A smattering of the responses so far:
“Boxed Mashed Potatoes are against my beliefs.”
"No, the Army will not fly him home out of the goodness of their hearts just because it's Thanksgiving/Christmas/birth of baby, etc. Yes, he's still going to gone over the holiday."
“Um no, I won't be ironing size 3-6 month jeans. Sorry. Um no, I won't be ironing her onesies either.”
“My husband and I argued over whether or not we should come here. Obviously, he won.”
Oh, snap!
So enjoy the turkey and the post-turkey coma. Enjoy arguing with your family about why it is that turkey makes you sleepy. And relax.
Because Christmas and Hanukah are coming, and soon.
Just when you think you’ve seen it all, monetsf comes along and posts this on the Getting Fit in Your 30s board: “As some of you may or may not know, I am an American living in England… I feel an enormous pressure to present the good American, and that includes getting fit. I am embarrassed that I am 24 lbs over weight (that is if my calculations are even right!)…After being told that I was considered the fat girl two years ago, granted it’s not the case now, I am a bit crazed when it comes to eating and how others see me.”
Um, Brit who called monetsf “the fat girl”? Real nice. Way to go.
cl-vi_islandgirl writes: “That's dreadful-- and small minded of that (those) ladies!! How awful for you! Technically I'm not in the States either (in the Virgin Islands)-- but I think that mainland is trying to become healthier in general. Not to say all are following that lead, but it does seem to be more prevalent (articles in daily newspapers, news programs, etc...) these days.”
It’s like they are these far-flung anthropologists, trying to study us “mainlanders” from our documents and other evidence. Well ladies, I’ll tell you this much – even here in the States location makes a difference. Some cities are certainly more fit than others, don’t you think? And I think it’s different in urban areas vs rural places, too.
Anyway. cl-iv_miranda_d writes: “I do think that we live in a society where obesity is at epidemic proportions, but don't tell me that there aren't chunky Brits, hefty Germans, or stout Asians.”
Then monetsf admits, “I can't honestly say that I am getting healthier for them or me - rather they are very motivating. I want to be thinner, so in a way their insults and arrogance are being turned into my positive. People have to pay a boot camp like instructor to yell at them and tell them how fat they are, I can just read the papers. Granted it's not me personally, but I am an American too. I may be able to insult them, but anyone else does and I get defensive, kinda like family.” I like that last sentiment. Like, who are you calling fat? My country! How dare you!
Um, yeah. Representing to the world whether or not Americans really are obese? That seems like an awful lot of responsibility for one gal. In fact, to me, this sounds like yet another woman beating herself up for not being 100% perfect every second of every day. A very, well, American idea, really.
On the Real Men Do Housework board, dvpalmer posts: “My husband does pretty much nothing around the house except mow the lawn. We both work full time and have two kids that are mine to deal with. He says to me that if we had sex more he would help around the house... What does sex have to do with housework!?”
What does sex have to do with housework? It’s tempting to say, Well this guy is being a jerk, and leave it at that. But let’s imagine for a minute that the subject is a little more complicated than that (and also, remember that we’re only getting one side of the story here).
We had our crack team of researchers here at the Beehive look into this matter. And by that I mean, I googled “men sex housework.” Got about, oh, 900,000 results. (Recurring issue, much?)
Here’s what one doctor, interviewed by Newsweek, said in response to the question, “Are married men unhappy with the amount of sex they get?”:
“Not usually, but sometimes men will wait out a woman and say to themselves, I wonder how long it will be before she'll initiate sex? And men are astounded by how long women can go without thinking about sex, and women are astounded by how long men can go without thinking about housecleaning. For a woman, the atmosphere in the home is part of what makes her feel good and sexy. And for a man, the communication that's going on sexually is part of what makes him feel he's in a happy place. And it's not only sex. Almost every level of happiness, and positiveness in relationships is related to housework…Men said the happier their wives were in the division of housework, the happier the men were with their sex lives. We even looked at the numbers and found that there's more sex in the relationship if the wife is happy with the division of housework.” (Emphasis mine.)
Could it be that dvpalmer’s husband is actually onto something? There is, according to more than one expert, a connection between sex and housework, one having to do with how each appreciated or unappreciated each partner feels within the relationship. Maybe he just has it backwards. Maybe if he would help out with the housework more, they really would have more sex!
What do you think?
Seriously, what is it about the holiday season that makes us all lose our freaking minds? Diets go out the window, as if there is some law of nature that if it has red-and-green sprinkles, the calories don’t count. Normally style-conscious women find themselves fingering Christmas sweaters and jingle-bell earrings, thinking, well, they are awfully festive… Is it the chill in the air? Do they pump something into the air at the mall? What is the deal?
On the Fashion Pet Peeves board, cl-ladyinpublic asks, “What holiday styles that come back year after year really get to you? My personal one is the sweaters / sweatshirts with the turkeys, pilgrims, Christmas trees or Rudolph on them. Why do people buy these?”
sweetviolets : “There is this really horrid Mrs. Santa full-length hostess apron 70's pinafore thing with a giant poinsettia appliqué that my MIL wears every year...and she keeps suggesting that I need an outfit "tradition". Over my dead body. I don't do cute. I will buy a Christmas tree sweater and leggings before I wear a pinafore.”
What are your holiday style pet peeves? Or: if you’re sitting there getting out your Mrs. Santa pinafore as we speak, why do you do it? Make your case, woman!
He says he wants to “keep it private.” But what does that really mean?
elham_cre smells a rat. “The guy I'm dating (3 months now) insists on keeping our relationship private. His friends don’t know we've been dating and he prefers that I don’t mention anything about our relationship to anybody either…I do not want him to discuss the details of our relationship with others but not to keep it so hidden either. Is it normal for guys not to tell their friends about a girl they're into & dating?”
charite_99 writes, “There's a difference between keeping a relationship private and keeping it a secret. Keeping it private means not sharing intimate details about the relationship and not airing dirty laundry with people outside the relationship. Keeping it secret is not sharing the fact of the relationship to anyone. It sounds like your guy wants to keep your relationship a secret, and that would concern me. Are you sure he isn't married or in a relationship with another woman?”
Youch.
nikitakolata: “I'm afraid I'd have to agree with the other poster... keeping a relationship a secret is not normal. Most guys (I think) are proud of their girlfriends and want their friends and family to know that a woman is with them.”
It’s possible that this is one of those cases of love being blind. Really, really blind. Is this poster willfully not picking up on her boyfriend’s suspicious signals? I’m going to go ahead and say, gee, it sure seems that way. Perhaps there’s a part of the story we’re not getting -- maybe he's been burned before, or wants to keep her all to himself?
But as whole9yards puts it, “if he was attracted to you enough to start a relationship then I would think that he would want to brag about you to his friends!”
Do not mess with breastfeeding moms. 
Seriously. Our boards do not like it.
See also:
May Blossoms 2005 Board:
"I read this on another board, and wanted to share it...A New Mexico woman who was kicked off an airplane departing from Burlington International Airport after she breast-fed her 22-month-old daughter has filed a complaint against two airlines with the Vermont Human Rights Commission.'"
The June 2007 Expecting Club: "GRRRR!!!!!!!!!!! I can't believe this happened in my town!!!!"
September Sprites 2005 Board: "That is totally absurd!"
July Fireflies 2004 board: "Breasts have been so sexualized by society that we no longer view them as what they are. They are intended for feeding babies. That's why we have them. How on Earth can that be offensive????!!!!"
People, look at that punctuation. These are some strong feelings.
So what exactly happened? According to the article: “Gillette said she was seated in the second-to-last row, next to the window, when she began to breast-feed her daughter. Breast-feeding helps babies with the altitude changes through takeoff and landings, Gillette said. She said she was being discreet -- her husband was seated between her and the aisle -- and no part of her breast was showing.
Gillette said that's when a flight attendant approached her, trying to hand her a blanket and directing her to cover up. Gillette said she told the attendant she was exercising her legal right to breast-feed, declining the blanket. That's when Gillette alleges the attendant told her, 'You are offending me,' and told her to cover up her daughter's head with the blanket.
…Gillette said she didn't raise her voice -- not wanting to make a scene in the current jumpy air travel atmosphere -- and complied with the ticket agent, crying as she exited the plane.”
I don’t know about you all, but I am so glad that our airlines’ employees are working so hard to protect us from these nefarious moms feeding, soothing, and possibly SNUGGLING their babies! Thank you, flight attendant! I, for one, feel much safer. There is nothing more menacing than the bond between a mother and her child, and certainly nothing that makes me feel more offended than a calm, well-fed, and beloved baby. Oh, and nothing that makes me feel better than a crying, shaken young mother.
Um, no, not really.
This is buzzing all across our boards. What are people around you saying?
I don't know what your fitness plans are like, but every now and then I try to peel myself off the couch to take an evening run in the park. The other day I went running super-sexily dressed in my regulation sweat pants, running shoes (um, obviously) and oversized t-shirt, my hair a hot mess, my face gleaming with sweat and bright red, all while dragging along my panting dog on her leash. A pair of vagabond-looking men were sitting on a park bench, and when I passed them, one emitted a cartoony wolf-whistle, and the other said, “Bow wow-wow.”
What on earth is THAT supposed to mean? Is he calling me a dog? Is he talking to my dog? To me? Is it a put-down or a come-on? And also: gross.
Still, I much prefer the ambiguous harassment of hobos to the creepy peeping that happens in a gym, but that’s just me. Stories like this make me feel even less inclined to take my exercise routines inside, though. michemiche posts on the Gym Rats board: “Ok, I love the gym, but I've been totally psyched out. I swear I thought a guy took a picture of me at the gym while I was working out. So creepy, I haven't been back since…I can't handle the creepy guy thing. It is especially hard for me to handle the sexual looks and come-ons when I want to work out… I need a bit of advice on how to repel the creepos.”
cl-jeanwl responds: “An iPod, averted eyes might help, even if you appear stand-offish, at least they'll leave you alone.”
ivil_cas123: “When I notice some creepy guy undressing me with his eyes while I am tryin to get my fitness on, I give them a dirty look and say, 'can I help you with something?’”
somerandomthoughts adds: “Also, lifting more weight than the guys usually also tends to scare the creeps away.” You go, girl!
How do you avoid creeps at the gym? Isn’t there anywhere a lady can try to “get her fitness on” (as ivil_cas123 puts it) without creepy harassment or stalkitude?
Last night a bunch of us iVillagers attended a GE Women in Business event at Rockefeller Center. We went because it was in Studio 8H, which is where SNL is taped, and because there were good snacks. I mean! Because some very estimable women who run businesses within GE were there, talking candidly about what it takes to make it in business, how women communicate differently than men, and of course that age-old question – how can women balance work and family?
One thing all these women agreed on was that none of it worked 100% of the time, and that they had to accept that they couldn’t do it all themselves. And they all spoke of the importance of a supportive spouse.
So what if your spouse feels threatened by your successes, instead of being supportive?
toomanyquestions asks the Guy Talk board: “What's wrong w/my husband?”
Here’s her story: “I really need some help with this one. I just don't know how to read my husband right now. Here's some background info: We've been married for 4 years and together for 7. We are in a new city and both of us have lost weight and feeling good about ourselves. My husband tells me how beautiful I am and great I look. I just jumped into a new career (and work with tons of guys all the time, day in and out, which doesn't bother me). I have been doing a lot of work emotionally and mentally on myself and have been becoming more and more confident in myself and this new career move...Well, recently it seems like not a day goes by when my husband doesn't say, ‘You're gonna leave me for another guy.’ ‘You're gonna be rich and leave me for another gu.’…Is he feeling insecure with the recent changes in my life and unsure of his?...He's also been saying things about my job and exams that I need to take, like I better not fail and there's no option to fail.”
firstamendment suggests, “If you are feeling additional pressure from his comments about not failing, then ask him if he can find a way to make supportive comments instead of biting ones.”
cl-orangecuse44 writes: “The two of you are insecure and insecure-er. My guess is he does say these things based on his insecurities.”
dakine001: “What he's doing is emotionally abusing you, because of his insecurity, and he needs to know that.”
Why does this man undermine his spouse? What should she do about it? Does having an unsupportive spouse make it more difficult to succeed and excel?
And I wonder what they did with the leftover snacks?
Over on the ever-buzzing Stay-At-Home vs Work board,
naturalnelly calls our attention to the phenomenon that’s really been buzzing throughout the Vill lately – the “Cosmo mom.” See the recent post on our sister blog, Crib Notes. Observe the explosion of comments! Thrill to the original article in the New York Times!
"Come 4 o’clock on most Fridays, a group of eight mothers in Chestnut Hill, an affluent neighborhood in Philadelphia, gathers for drinks...As their young children play nearby, the women said, they sit around in one of their yards or living rooms, drink glasses of Cavit pinot grigio or cups of Yuengling lager, and unload. …Some say the mother get-togethers are a throwback to the 1950s, when adults had more time to themselves and children were not always the center of attention. Martinis were in vogue; today’s obsessive, hard-driving, Harvard-or-bust parenting scene was not."
The article describes the phenomena as a throwback in more ways than one. Yes, moms are realizing that it can’t all be about the little ones, it claims; they need to balance their lives a little more. But more and more SAHMs are reporting issues of depression and alcohol abuse – which the article links to the problem of educated women who have put careers on halt or on hold to stay at home with the kids.
So what do iVill moms think of all this?
jendia76 writes: “I'm much more of a ‘Sex on the beach’ Mom.” Ha!
jca2004 writes: “I think it is great! More power to em. Have fun!...My friends and I get together like that all the time. The kids play and are so wrapped up in each other they don't know that we are even there. We put them down after a certain time and our kids spend the night. I would never drive with my dd in the car…Also, I have read the Three Martini Playdate [referred to in the article, as is our very own Three-Martini playgroup board!] and it is a great book. Really funny. It is basically a book about not being a mombie."
Others really don’t see this as a laughing matter.
hazeleyes2005: “I personally, do not drink when I am the only one watching my children. If my dh is with me, then I will have a drink either at home or out. We rarely drink together and when we do, the kids are asleep. There are so many stories of parents driving drunk with their children in the car. I don't see the need to HAVE to drink when your children are with you. If these women want to get together and have drinks, more power to them. When my friends and I want to do that, we leave the kids at home and go out and socialize. I don't feel 100% in control if I am drinking.”
Can playtime be mommytime, too? Or should the two be kept separate?
There was an interesting segment on the Today Show this morning about being “addicted” to dating married men. What is it that leads women into these affairs? What’s so appealing about the married man? Anyway, this made me think of our My Affair Support board.
Here’s a post that piqued my interest: “My AP tells me that he ‘let me so far into his heart’ because while he does love his wife, he has never been ‘in love’ with her. Neither he nor I were seeking an affair; it just kind of happened… After all that, my question is: do all of you believe there is a difference between being ‘in love’ with someone versus ‘loving’ someone?”
Seems like a relevant question for anyone in a romantic relationship, especially one that, like a marriage, undergoes numerous challenges. How did people respond?
cinbarn : “I believe there is a difference. I think I love my DH but no longer 'in love' with him'…Loving someone means you care for them. You don't want harm done to them. To be in love with some one means the same plus you know that crazy feeling as a teenager when you first discovered being in love, that too!”
museforhim: “I couldn't agree more... I do love my DH [dear husband]. But I am ‘in love’ with my MM [married man].”
mom-faith3: “That feeling you term ‘in love’ is really ‘in lust and infatuation.’ After being in a live-in situation for years that chemical feeling changes to one of comfort.”
Some posters write things like “life is too short to not be in love,” which is pretty hard to argue with. But can you maintain that “in-love” feeling? Does the illicit thrill of having an affair add an extra giddy buzz to these relationships? If you leave your husband for the guy you’re having an affair with, do those “in-love” feelings even out into just plain love?
Hmmm…
Lots of the boards are buzzing today about the resignation of Donald Rumsfeld, I tell you what. (I think what I like best about this story is that it was first broken by not a major newspaper, not even a tabloid, but by the bloggers over at Comedy freakin' Central. Brilliant.)
mommy2sebastian posts: "What do you guys think about this? DO you think it will change what is happening in Iraq?"
mommy2gnb: "IMO, it's one step closer to helping out in getting out of Iraq. There's a few other people that need to go as well, but that is another debate all in itself!"
melbelle08: "Finally, some recognition by the govt that maybe things in Iraq aren't all ice cream and roses. As a proud Army wife, I am relieved that maybe a change in strategy will come about now. Someone needs to start looking out for the soldiers and their families. Even most military officers that I know have disagreed with Rumsfield for a long time, although they really can't come right out and say it. There was even an article in the Army Times last week calling for his resignation. While I still believe there is a lot left to be done to help the people of Iraq, I think someone needs to come up with a much better way of doing it. God Bless our Troops!!!"
adbeaumom: "As a military wife who just said goodbye to her husband for his 4th trip overseas to defend our nation, I hope these are the winds of change. Maybe this will be what we have all been waiting for. God Bless our Troops."
Another topic of debate: Did he really resign, or was he asked to step down? What do you think?
I know I’m not the only one here who watches Britney Spears’ every move with a sick, slack-jawed, car-crash-gawker-like attention. We just can’t get enough! For a while, she was reminding me – now this might sound odd – of Elvis. Think about it – the meteoric rise to stardom, the veering towards Crazytown, the puffy, unsightly looks. And now, her version of the ’68 Comeback Special – she’s bounced back into shape, and finally ditched her douchebag husband.
About that.
It’s been a real Hollywood breakup bonanza lately, from Reese-n-Ryan to the Spederlines. (To paraphrase Steve Martin, it must be really hard to keep a marriage together in show business when you have to sleep around with so many beautiful people.)
But joking aside, a divorce is never a good thing. We keep hearing about how divorce is on the rise. And yet, I know that when most people get married, the planning process is at least 95% about wedding details, with a meager 5% devoted to the marriage itself (which is probably being generous).
The iVillage Bridal Expert judith_sherven knows what I’m talking about here. She writes, “Approximately 70% of engaged couples NEVER discuss whether or not they will have children, how they will handle their finances and other fundamental issues of marriage…What are you doing to help prepare for your marriage while you're planning your wedding?” She goes on to say, “all too often the dream of getting married has little reflection on what a real day-to-day marriage will be like.”
Um, Brit? Kevin? Hello? Of course it’s not just celebs – many of us can fall prey to the myth of “happy ending” (not that kind, you sickos). We’ll get married and have sweet little babies and everything will be roses and puppydogs and rainbows! Yeah, maybe. But there’s also finances. And grouchy days. And socks on the floor.
How have iVillagers made it work?
cl-leaders_leading_lady writes: “We've made our notions clear since the VERY beginning of our relationship about when it comes to certain things…He knows I’m a neat freak... I know he's not... but he tries :) and that’s all I can ask.”
onetiger: “I'm an 'older' bride, so we have discussed what would happen if we have or can't have a child (we want one). We both know everything about our finances and how we're going to handle our finances.”
cynhaller has a really interesting story: “DH is Indian, I'm Swiss and we live in India. Now that kind of couple in a country where still 95% of marriages are arranged by your parents and relative and where let's say 4% of love match are between two Indians, we are quite a minority and the question of getting married was a serious one.” (You’ll definitely want to read the rest of her story here.)
What do you think couples can do to divorce-proof their marriages before they tie the knot? Or is that even possible?
There are lots of good reasons to maintain a healthy weight, and here’s another really, REALLY good reason to: your sex life! As far as compelling conversations go, this one kind of speaks for itself.
cl-merry_am poses the question to the 100 Pounds Or More To Go Board: “Does being overweight have any affect on your sex life? Is it all in your head or does it also have to do with your partner?”
Here are some of the answers she’s gotten so far:
“He says it is all in my head. I feel so self-conscious most of the time. I have to admit it does kind of pose a hindrance sometimes as far as things go. But mostly it is just feelings, I feel gross so therefore I am self conscious. He says he doesn't care, he loves me no matter what and doesn't look at me the way I look at myself.”
“Yes. It does. And no, it isn't necessarily all in your head. Here are some reasons why, and maybe it will give you the motivation to try to lose weight.
#1- The self esteem issue. It is in your head, but can be very real.
#2- Lack of energy. It’s true that weight can wear on your energy level.
#3- When you are overweight it isn't as "comfortable", big belly, big thighs, whatever the case may be.
#4- When you have excess weight, you can also carry it in that "area" (ahem) and it makes it less sensitive.”
“Sex life? What's that? I've been totally alone for fifteen years. When I was married, my darling husband called me a circus freak at least once, and told me repeatedly how ugly and unattractive he thought me…Now, I haven't even had my hand held in fifteen years.”
“I don't have as much energy, positions are extremely limited due to joint pain/discomfort/fatigue. I find it difficult to reach areas that I used to be able to reach. My belly gets in the way, the breasts can even get in the way. Most certainly, I don't have near the stamina that I had 75 pounds ago.”
But there’s some good news in here, too. One woman responds: “It doesn't really affect my sex life. I was big when I met DH and I'm big now. I try not to think about it too much. Jason is really good at making me feel sexy.”
Have you found that being overweight, or having a poor body image for whatever reason, has affected your love life?
Where I grew up, the summer between eighth grade and the beginning of high school was a big one for many girls. Apparently. Because the first day of freshman year, there were an awful lot of noses that had suddenly grown out of their awkward stages, just like that. Schnozzes that mere months before had been bumpy, sizable, shall we say, Streisand-esque, were suddenly flat and shiny and characterless as post-nose-job Jennifer Grey. At the time it just seemed kind of silly to me, but now I think, what the…? Those girls were only 13 or 14! What if they were going to grow into those noses, and turn out as striking and stunning as Sofia Coppola, or Angelica Huston, or some other big-nosed beauty?
So my interest is piqued when sisterlisa asks, on our brand spanking new Too Much Nip and Tuck? board, no less: “ How young is too young for ... Getting a boost in the chest? A nose job? A tummy tuck?”
momof3sprouts writes, “When my sister in law graduated a few years ago, she had a few girls in her class who were getting boob jobs for graduation presents. Now, if you have some sort of physical deformity, that is one thing, but the idea of getting one as a high school graduation present, purely for vanity, really made me want to roll my eyes…To answer your question...If you are going to have babies, your body is going to change, so my opinion is to wait until you are done having kids. Why throw down thousands for a boob job or tummy tuck, when you run a real risk of having to have them redone.”
ri0tnrrd adds, “Personally I say 21... When I was 22 actually I was going to get a boob job and a nose job. I ended up getting the nose job but not the boobs and am so glad I didn't personally at that time because within a few years my boos actually grew more no clue how but I'm not the 36D that I wanted *laughs*…I say depending on the surgery they need to really think about it and give the body and mind some time to mature.”
Now, maybe this is just because I tend towards the neurotic, and have seen too many horror stories (hello, I Want a Famous Face), but when there are so many things that can go wrong with a person’s body and health and life, I really don’t get why people tempt fate by electing for surgery they don’t need. Especially when those people are very young. (Medical necessities and major deformities aside, of course.) But I wonder what you all think. But in a recent iVill poll, 62% of you said you would get plastic surgery, and 13% of you said you had, and you were pleased with the results. If you’re okay with plastic surgery, what do you think the right age is for it?
Weigh in!