October 2006 Archives

I was munching on a ghoulish, tombstone-shaped Halloween cookie a coworker had brought over when I came across this interesting post about gory Halloween decorations. Now, I live in a neighborhood full of little kids, and I myself have wondered how they (or their parents) feel about the really super-spooky Halloween decorations that grace the brownstones on my street. You know, the scarecrows hung from nooses; the legs erupting from grates; the little rows of tombstones. I mean, it’s scary stuff! Especially if the kid is very young, or very sensitive.

googolplexz agrees. In fact, she writes: “Am I the only one who has a problem with this? Maybe I'm just ultra sensitive because David used to be SOOOOO scared of even fairly mild stuff…There is a couple who live nearby who have this plastic thing that looks like a guy whose head, arms, and legs, have been chopped off. It's really repulsive… Yesterday, we were outside, on the common "courtyard" area in between our rows of townhouses, and I noticed that David was just standing there looking at that thing… Grrrr. What's the Halloween equivalent of ‘Grinch?’ That's me.”

mommy2nathan2004 chimes in: “Nathan is STILL horrified of the Halloween decorations. This year....we are going trick-or-treating...AT THE MALL!!!”

Actually, lots of families now go trick-or-treating at the mall. Who knew?

According to a recent New York Times article, “A recent survey from the National Confectioners Association found that 17 percent of families usually trick-or-treat at indoor shopping malls.”

Given the gory decorations and other unpleasantries of outdoor trick-or-treating (the dreaded “Fairy Princess in Sweatpants and Down Parka” costume not least among them) – would you ever take your kids trick-or-treating at the mall? Are there other, better alternatives you’d prefer?

I don’t know about you all, but I’ve been getting into the spooky spirit of the season by terrifying myself with scary movies like The Exorcist and The Sixth Sense and then running around turning on all the lights and hyperventilating. But I have to say, that’s nothing compared with how I would feel if I suspected that my apartment had a ghost.

In honor of Halloween, let’s check in with our Paranormal Experiences board, shall we? (Warning: turn on all the lights before you read this. Serious spookiness ahead.)

sunflowermeadow has seen mysterious shapes in her dining room and heard the disembodied voice of a child in her house. But recently, she was lying on her couch (it was nighttime, and the whole house was dark) when she got that "’I'm being watched’ feeling…All of a sudden, "BANG!!!" It was a VERY loud, single knock on my front door - which was about 5ft. away from me. Scared the living hell out of me. I know I wasn't hearing things, because I turned to look over at my dog (Golden Retriever named Daisy) and she was just getting off the couch to go sniff at the door…Just as we were walking toward the bedroom, again... ‘BANG!!!!’ This time dh heard it, and it was definitely coming from the front door, but sounded like it was coming from the INSIDE of the house. We have a painted steel door with a decorative window on top, then a glass storm door on the outside of that. There was NO WAY the noise was that of glass being struck. It was definitely the metal door. Again we checked it out, and found nothing.”

springolife responds: “My parents had the very same thing (the door) happen to them about a year ago. The next morning the found there was a long black streak on the INSIDE of the screen door, which was locked when they went to bed and was still locked when they got up.”

Gah! Do you have chills? I sure do.

Have you ever felt a strange presence in your home? Positive you encountered some sort of ghost or spirit? Were they friendly or malevolent? Think this is all just a bunch of hokum, but, Fox-Mulder-style, want to believe? Do tell.

Would you ever party with your p’s?

On the 20-Something Hangout board, sarah92109 posts: “I was reading this month’s issue of Jane magazine and there was an article about kids (adults, really...they were all of legal age) who went out to clubs with their moms on a Friday or Saturday night and danced, drank, some even got high with them. I guess this is something that is fairly common (?) but I was completely unaware of it. So...opinions?” I read that article, too, and was struck by how the mothers acted just like their daughters. There’s something to be said for staying young and active…but when a woman in her fifties is squeezing herself in bar pants and sparkly tops and heading out to get her freak on – I don’t know, it just doesn’t strike me as the most dignified way to act. Maybe I’m being a total ageist here. The parent-child combos in the article all seemed really close (even a little competitive) – and the common refrain was “My mom is my best friend.”

But is this a good thing?

buggyboo22: “I partied and still party with my parents to this day. I don't see anything wrong with it though, it's not like we go out and get plastered…Mom and Dad always felt more comfortable being able to monitor my ‘intake’ when I was underage (since they knew I would probably drink anyways).”

boascl:“Well, in my opinion, when a parent starts to act like a ‘friend’ so their kid can ‘relate’ more, it makes me want to screammmmm!”

loriannedz: “ I think it's kinda sad, really, if you are not friends with your parents at all as adults.”

stacey_bear: “I drink with my mom, and have since I was 16. We go to bars together, make margaritas together, heck, we've even played beer pong together… A crappy parent is going to be a crappy parent whether or not they party with their child. But a good parent can certainly party with their child and still be a good parent.”

rhodapenmark points out a distinction: “I think that parents drinking *WITH* their underage children [is] worse. AT THE TIME, I probably would have thought it was way cool...but subconsciously I think it would have been a little scary and unhealthy for me to see my parent out of control.”

Is partying together just a normal extension of a world where adults act like kids for longer and longer? Is it wonderful that these women are so close to their mothers (and daughters)? Or is it totally inappropriate? My guess is that there are as many answers to this as there are different kinds of families. Anyway, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to get my freak on – Mom, Dad, you ready?

(Just typing that makes me uncomfortable. Shudder!)

So, by now you’ve heard about that Michael J. Fox ad. You know, the one that has him endorsing a Senate hopeful from Missouri. You know, the one where he talks about stem cell research. You know. The one where he’s really shaky and jerky, really showing his illness? (We miss you, Marty McFly. Sniff.)

bethannne posts an article that reads: “There’s a new Michael J. Fox ad on stem cell research…The most distasteful aspect of the ad is the way it exploits Michael J. Fox’s physical difficulties.” She suggests (as have others, Rush Limbaugh included) that this commercial is exploitative and exaggerates Fox’s disability. Let it soak in for a second -- yes, the deep irony of Rush Limbaugh picking on a sick man for taking or not taking his meds. Okay, moving right along.

mountainlaurel2005 responds: “As far as being in poor taste? It is no where NEAR as poor taste the latest Republican ad with Bin Laden and the ‘mushroom cloud.’”

mirage83 agrees: “Why shouldn't people know what Parkinson's does to a person afflicted with it? If he did refrain from taking his meds to illustrate how devastating the disease is, it just evidences his courage and dedication to helping find a cure for the disease as far as I'm concerned.”

jane_afw: “Rush Limbaugh stated, without any evidence or supporting information that Fox ‘must have gone off his meds’ to get the effect he wanted. He was just stating his opinion, but now that opinion is repeated as fact for all those out to criticize Fox for making the commercial.”

philapalliese shoots back: “I think the ad is exploitative and fraudulent in its premise. Also, having seen Fox's acting arc recently (I think it was on “Boston Legal”) it also seems as though Fox dropped his meds before cutting the commercial just as he did prior to testifying before Congress a few years ago.”

And, as lots of posters are saying, the ad seems to draw a straight line between stem cell research and a cure for Parkinson’s, when really it’s only a “hopeful theory” that stem cell research could cure anything.

People, there have been almost 100 posts on this topic in 24 hours. Fiery!

Did Alex P Keaton – er, Michael J Fox – go off his meds to do the commercial? If he did, does that change the way you think of him or the candidate he’s endorsing? Is stem cell research even that important of an issue in this election cycle? Is this all a clever way of distracting voters from other issues, like, oh, say the WAR? Ok, don't mind me. Proceed.

So, we know we’re supposed to train our men Shamu-style, right? But what if we don’t want to be in charge of house-training these fellows? What if that makes us feel generally squicky, like we’re acting like their mothers or something? Can’t they just behave?

Here’s the situation: “I have come to realize that I lose respect for K when he acts like a child, which in turn, makes me feel crappy, because I feel like I'm lecturing. I do regain my respect for him, however, when it's lost, I just want to get away from him, I don't want to talk to him, etc…Also, we have T [therapy] in 2.5 weeks. Is this something I should bring up? Should I tell K first? What do I do? How do I tell him that? That my loss of respect affects our sex life, it affects me wanting to be near him, it affects a lot. hmmm...”

johannac: “All I can go on is my past experience and my ex-h and I got into a pattern that played out like his mother. You ARE scolding him, he's responding to you the way he responds to his mother… You treat him like a child, he acts like a child. You treat him like a man, he'll act like a man.”

Makes it sound easy, right?

sdmomof4: “I think you need to pick your battles carefully. Is it really worth making a big deal out of?”
islandmommi: “You don't want to have to train a man, or raise him like a child, but maybe you could try to stop looking at it like you're raising a child, to looking at it like you're teaching your husband how to best love you, & learning from him how to best love him. Teaching & learning, not raising children, right? Is that more palatable & isn't it true?”

I wonder if there is any good way to “train your husband” without building up resentment at having to be the one doing the training.

I also wonder: do men spend this much time trying to figure out how to “train” us?

What are you having for lunch today? How about some warm, delicious, tomato soup -- in a pink can? Because nothing whets the appetite more than thinking about breast cancer...

Mmm-mmm.

cl-nwtreehugger recently called our attention to an article from the Seattle Times that breaks down just how much money from those super-PC pink purchases ACTUALLY goes to breast cancer research. She writes: “After reading this, I'd buy the Clinique lipstick ($10 out of $14)...but honestly, I'd rather sponsor someone in one of the Race for the Cure events!” Although I’d like to point out that she posts this in a bright pink font. How much of that font goes to breast cancer research, treehugger?! What are you trying to pull? Oh wait.

Anyway, she brings up an interesting point. Are retailers cashing in on people’s guilt/sympathy/compassion? Is “buying pink” just the lazy person’s way of making herself feel like she’s doing something good? As an expert in the article points out, "If you think you're going to solve the problem by buying Yoplait, you've got another thing coming."

cl-libraone: “I donate to causes. I don't buy things so companies look good.”

There’s a brand-spanking new board about this very issue: Hot Topic: Too Much Pink? -- just in time for the last few days of Breast Cancer Awareness month.

All pinked out? Weigh in.

On the Single Life board, corbeach is not really feeling the single life love right now. She asks, “Do you single gals feel a need to always look your best?...I feel like I am so self-conscious these days.”

tallgirlcolo: answers, “You know, I honestly think that what's inside can help you look better outside.” Aw, thanks, tallgirl. She points out something interesting – don’t you feel like when you’re in a good mood or having one of those generally charmed and happy days, you get more attention from people? Whether you’re wearing jeans and a sweatshirt or a slinky cocktail number? Why is that, anyway? How do people just pick up on each other's moods like that? I find it fascinating.

biochic2004 does, too: “Most men really are attracted to a woman who can carry herself with confidence and who is just being her and not trying to conform to what society wants her to be. They are attracted to women who are happy in their own skin and exude that happiness.”

So what can you do when you want to be dating more but hate your look? Well, might I suggest checking out this nifty new slideshow of ours? Enter your photo and you might be eligible to win a free makeover. And you might just recapture some of that confidence, sparkle, and inner glow…hey, it's worth a shot, right?

Yesterday 660 iVillagers voted in a poll about Madonna’s recent adoption of a Malawian baby. 56% of you weren’t exactly sure how to think, but doubted her sincerity and suspected it was a publicity stunt. 37% of you thought her adoption was great, and showed a generous, kind spirit. And 6% of you thought it was terrible.

Just goes to show what a complex issue this is. On one hand, it is kind of a relief to see celebrities doing good things with their time and money. Heck, even if it is just to get publicity -- I mean, it’s better than constantly party-hopping and panty-flashing, right? And according to CNN, “Some children's advocates said the adoption brought welcome attention to the plight of millions of impoverished children in sub-Saharan Africa. “ On the other hand, “Justin Dzonzi, a lawyer for a coalition of Malawian human rights and child advocacy organizations, said his group was concerned that no one explained the implications of the adoption to the child's father, Yohame Banda.”

Madonna’s sincerity here has been questioned – sometimes pretty outrageously -- all over the place.

Well, guess who else is debating this issue? The Hot Debates board, natch!

texan_girl_2002 writes, “In the light of the widely publicized adoption plans, first of Angelina Jolie & now of Madonna, one can't help but wonder: Do these celebrities sincerely want to make a difference in these children's lives? Have rules been bent to make these adoptions easier? Should white Americans be adopting African children, especially when there are so many children here in the US of all races in need of adoption?”

I recently had a long discussion with my DH about my deep distaste for the Sexy Halloween Costume. “It’s stupid, and it’s obvious, and it makes a fun, goofy day and turns it into something else!” I said. “How lame are those Sexy Cat or the Sexy Angel Halloween costumes? Very! Very lame!”

DH mumbled incoherently. He, uh, disagrees.

Turns out, I’m not the only one who’s sick and tired of the SHC (Sexy Halloween Costume, natch) – as this hilarious New York Times Styles piece attests. “The trend is so pervasive it has been written about by college students in campus newspapers, and Carlos Mencia, the comedian, jokes that Halloween should now be called Dress-Like-a-Whore Day.”

But – lots of people love it! They treat Halloween as a day to escape, to wear something they’d never ordinarily wear, to be a little shocking and a little risqué.

cindygarmon writes: "My sister will be attending a Halloween type party at her neighborhood's clubhouse but I'm not sure what I'll wear. It's for adults only... She wants me to come as a sexy flight attendant. Short skirt, stockings, heels, long nails... the whole nine yards. To me it sounds more like a prostitute!"

Ha! So...should she do it? Is the thought of being dressed as a sexy stewardess for a night fun, or frightful?

And over on the Secrets of Married Sex boards, annekim1975 suggests using the Sexy Halloween Costume as a way to spice things up in the bedroom. Interesting, right?

So, what are you going to be for Halloween?

I’m thinking of going as a crayon.

Okay, fine, a sexy crayon.

ADDITIONAL HALLOWEENFORMATION:

Make sure you post all your great costume pictures on the Happy Halloween Photo Gallery. Okay? Promise?

And there are a ton of ideas for great couples costume ideas here.

Men. They’ve always got one thing on their minds!

Unless…they don’t. Like, at all. On the Online Dating Board, mitsy2 talks about encountering guys who aren’t gay, but don’t seem totally straight…they’re just…kinda…asexual.

biochic2004: “Yup, I have known a couple of these guys actually. The most recent guy that I dated who was in the Navy was this way…” And others chime in with similar stories of uninterested, asexual, or maybe just super-super-super low libido guys.

Who are these people, and where did they come from?!

ichickpee: “Tee hee, I think the asexuality may now be blamed on serotonin reuptake inhibitors (Prozac, Cymbalta, Lexapro, Zoloft, Paxil) that so many people take for depression and generalized anxiety disorder. We are now a nation of zombies!! ugh...”

mitsy2: “I guess it is more common than I realized.”

There is an interesting piece in this month’s Harper’s Magazine including excerpts from online personals ads. “Sex has never interested me. In fact, I find it a little filthy.” “We can establish a family that is warm and sexless.” “I don’t have any diseases. I’m just cold in bed.” No, it’s sure not Match.com. It’s Asexual Marriage Net – a sexless marriage broker website in China. Apparently asexual marriages are becoming more and more common and popular.

Can an asexual relationship work? Have you encountered asexual people? Do you think it comes from chemical imbalance or relationship-laziness, or is it just another kind of person altogether?

What is that loud, clanging, whirring sound? That blob darkening the horizon? It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s…a helicopter parent!

On the Stay-at-Home Vs Work board sabinamarianne posts, “We all laugh about so-called "helicopter parenting", but what is it, really? If you had to name one parenting practice that really defines it, what would it be? Have you ever done anything helicopter-ish that only seemed that way in retrospect? Is there anything helicopter-ish that you promise yourself you'd never do?”

pebbles892 offers a working definition: "Helicopter parenting to me means not letting your child get the chance to experience things for themselves…Helicopters don't let their children make any decisions themselves, never let them learn from mistakes, rush around to make sure the child is never disappointed or experiences any kind of failure, have problems holding their children accountable for things like bad grades or poor performance in sports and instead blame teachers, school administrators, coaches, etc."

egd3blessed:“I know many moms like that, myself included… I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing, either. I've been known to erase messages on the answering machine before if they come from dds' friends who I don't particularly care for.”

So, what do you think? Is "helicoptering" a mother protecting her child from the big, bad world, making sure she steers clear of nefarious influences, doing what a parent must in a freaky-deaky world? Or is it an unhelpful form of over-protection, the inevitable outcome of which is mistrust and rebellion?

Are these parent-behaviors “helicoptery”?: Reading a nine-year-old’s diary? What about monitoring a kid’s MySpace page? Shadowing a three-year-old at a birthday party? Writing a high school student’s college applications for her? Join the discussion, or weigh in below!

There was a segment on the Today show recently (that our own blogger Meredith Vieira wrote about, natch) focusing on one couple, Kathy and Rob Adzich, and the woman they call their “guardian angel.” No, Stephanie Kalenda doesn’t have wings, and no, she’s not even trying to earn her wings, It’s a Wonderful Life-style. She’s an ordinary woman who made the extraordinary choice to help the Adziches start a family of their own by carrying their child as a surrogate mother.

People can’t seem to stop talking about this segment, which is buzzing all across the boards.

Having a child is such a struggle for so many couples these days, and when fertility treatments don’t work, what are parent-wannabes to do? Surrogacy is becoming more and more common, which brings us to the big question: Would you ever be a surrogate?

cl-robinsmama writes: “I was thinking this morning about some friends of ours who are getting married. The wife has a 3 y.o. son, and though she adores him, she had a really tough pregnancy and delivery and does NOT want any more kids because of that…I (jokingly) thought to myself, hey, my pregnancy with Robin was easy... I could be their surrogate! Seriously though, I don't think I could ever be a surrogate for anyone else. It would be a life growing inside of me, and even though it wouldn't genetically be my child, I think I would feel like it was my child. I think I would have a really hard time giving it to the biological parents.”

ralenth: “I don't think I could do it. I don't think I could give the baby up afterwards. The only exception that I can think of would be for my sister.”

raebrown2006: "I wish I were a strong enough person to be able be a surrogate, but sadly I'm not."

Lots of moms are agreeing that while it would be amazing thing to do for a childless couple, and while they admire and respect women who become surrogates, it would just be too difficult to carry a child for 9 months and then give it up.

Then there’s krzylittlecara. “I would be very happy to be able to offer that to another person who without me might not have had the chance to experience that same happiness…Maybe I will get reamed for it but I really don't care. Sure I would feel a connection to the child (after all it took up residence in my body for 40+ weeks) but in the end it would be amazing to be able to offer something so special to a childless couple.”

What do you think? Is the payoff worth the pain? Would you ever be able to be someone’s surrogate mother? Knowing it would change someone's life forever? That you could be someone's "guardian angel"?

How does a newly-single woman get a life?

suzq0266 recently got a divorce, and now she writes: “Don't get me wrong, the divorce was the best thing I ever did - no regrets! However, I literally have no social life - and I mean NONE!... What do people do in a situation like this? Does anyone have any advice?... I need human interaction!!”

What’s a gal to do?

robinl2006: “It is hard to get back into the swing of a totally different lifestyle after divorce. Just pull up your bootstraps and go for it!!!! …The best way to meet people is just put yourself out there. It's sounds scary, but you can do it. “

Right. Easier said than done!

Some other suggestions: volunteering somewhere, joining a hiking club or walking club, taking classes about art or feng shui, joining a church or synagogue, getting a dog, starting a book group, joining a gym – the list goes on and on. And it occurs to me that these aren’t just great ideas for divorced people. How many people do you know who are single or dating or married and just bored with the same old same old? We should all try new things more!

Now if you’ll excuse me, I think I’m seeing a salsa dancing class in my near future.

Or wait. Maybe just some Tex-Mex cooking classes. Yeah, that kind of salsa. Mmmm...

When you have insomnia, you're never really asleep... and you're never really awake.

Okay, so it’s a line from that goofy pre-Ange Brad Pitt movie Fight Club -- remember it? – but it’s also really true! Not getting enough sleep can transform your whole day. Me? I seem to lose my memory for certain things altogether, hemorrhaging numbers like no one’s business. If I haven’t gotten enough sleep and you ask me my phone number, I will blink idiotically at you, shrugging. And that’s just after one sleepless night! I can’t imagine the pain of chronic insomnia.

So I was interested to learn that tk Americans have serious problems with insomnia. Is it our stressful lives? Our unhealthy habits? Is it that our secret identities are out marauding all night starting fight clubs? Hm.

Luckily my genius neighbors over on our Health & Wellbeing channel have started this Get Your Zzzs Community Challenge , and Harvard Sleep Doctors are on call to answer your questions and help you sleep better on the Get Your Zzzs Boards.

The stories on the boards are, well, eye-opening. acrafty1 writes: “…no matter whether I get 8 or 18 hours of sleep I always wake up in an unrefreshed, groggy, exhausted state & remain that way throughout the day…I have also been diagnosed with depression a number of times in the past, so my fatigue is generally always written off as a result of depression. This bothers me... The thing is, there are many other instances where I feel I've developed mild depression AS A RESULT of my chronic insomnia & fatigue. (rather than the other way around). Do doctors EVER consider this as a possibility?”

Apparently insomnia is often written off as depression, when it might be that the reverse is true. And this, happening to tired and cranky people! Seems unfair, doesn’t it? mrich03 agrees. “When I get enough sleep everything looks rosey. I get a lot done and am happy. Without the 7 hours a night I am depressed and moody. I too would be interested in which comes first, depression or not enough sleep.”

sandra_2dogs_artist says, “The one thing I want to pass along is that your description sounds so very much like a friend of mine. She ended up sharing a hotel room on a trip to Europe with a medical professional who on the way home told her that she thought she had sleep apnea and she should go to a sleep clinic. Sure enough this was true and on getting the right equipment for sleep she began to improve virtually overnight. Years and years of fatigue and depression began lifting as well as many associated medical problems. The change in her was immediate and nothing short of remarkable in my mind.”

I’ve heard anecdotally of sleep studies doing great things for people, though it sounds scary! (Sleeping in a lab with a bunch of electrodes stuck to you? So futuristic.)

What would help you sleep better? What’s worked (or not worked) for you in the past? Tell us below, or check in with the Community Challenge boards!

Now here’s an interesting thought. What really keeps people from losing weight? Is it those sneaky trans fats, or those darned fad diets? Or could it be something else all together?

littlestroman writes: “I'm overweight and very single. I think part of the reason I’ve had such difficulty committing to exercise and healthier eating is that if I lose weight and start getting more male attention, I’ll connect the attention to my smaller size and get angry along the lines of ‘Oh now I’m good enough for you, huh?’ and I’m also afraid that it will worsen my already dismal opinion of the male sex in general.”

Dr Jeff (that would be the diet psychologist, natch) responds, “This is a common dilemma among women who lose weight. The sad fact of the matter in our society is that things change when you change, and people treat you differently when you shed pounds. Yes, men will likely pay more attention to you, and that often does not sit well. You're still the same person, right? But now because your appearance changes, you're suddenly worthy of notice? Yes, it can be aggravating. It can also be scary. It can also lead to self-defeating behavior that leads to regaining lost weight.”

Then orlannie chimes in, “So I did it, lost 125 lbs, and so far have kept it off for a year. I run every day, eat healthier than anyone I know blah blah, and for the first time in my life, I'm single…I do hear a lot that I don't appear as happy, and I dont know how much weight you want to lose, but for me, I feel like I lost myself a little bit along the way. I was never a thin person, and so seeing someone in the mirror that I don't identify with maybe changed something…”

Troublemaker gigidolle suggests: “Flirt with the bastards and reject them -- not very mature but revenge is sweet…”

Everyone’s always talking about how overweight Americans are and the best ways to lose weight. But could it be that losing weight isn’t always the best thing for a person? Is “fat-acceptance” really better for people’s psyches? When you change your appearance and people seem to like you the more for it, what else are you changing?

Little October works hard for its money, doesn't it? In case you didn't know, October is also Domestic Abuse Awareness month, and there are lots of events and programs all over the country that you can get involved with – whether you’ve been affected by domestic violence or just want to help – all month long.

Our Domestic Abuse Support boards are always here, though, for anyone who needs a safe place to share, get advice, or commiserate with others who have been there and know what it’s like.

Look at canadian_aquarius, who writes: “I just wanted to say that reading all your posts for the past 4 months has been very helpful, it has helped me to see that there are some many other woman who are in the same boat… He has been manipulating me and has put me in shelters and yes I went back to him more then once but I believe in my heart that I am finished. I am done school and graduate in in 2 weeks, have a job interview that I am very excited about. I can do it.. support my daughter without him.”

Now if that doesn’t warm the cockles of your icy heart, I don't know what will.

You can read more members’ testimonials here, and find more resources for help and support here.

No matter what’s going on in your life…iVillage is here for you. Stop by the boards to share your story.

Edited to add: Don't forget about this amazing resource, on creating a safety plan. It's like a fire escape plan for your life. Thanks, Karla, for the link!

A little while ago, my colleague here in cyberspace (and in the same real-life cube-pod, thank you very much) posted an interesting piece on the New Rules of Technology in Relationships. Seems the arrival of cell phones and text messages and BlackBerries and IMs – oh, excuse me, have to answer an IM…ok, now where were we? Oh yes – our new forms of communication demand new rules of etiquette.

Here’s one for the (space)ages… How do you tell someone to stop sending you every freaking forward that comes across their screen?

What about when the emails are religious in nature, in a way that makes you feel deeply uncomfortable?

What about when the sender is your mother-in-law?

What about when she’s sending them to ALL YOUR FRIENDS?

Poor mamadog23. “I keep getting SUPER religious e-mails from SIL and sometimes MIL. They have collected my friend's e-mail addresses from previous messages I have sent out before...and are now sending these extreme religious e-mails to all my friends. Personally, I don't want to get these e-mails from them either, but sending them to my friends is TOTALLY out of line… How do I get her to stop, and how do I explain to my friends that are receiving these things that it's not my fault?”

Some suggestions so far: “As far as your friends go, I'd email them a quick note saying that you are really sorry that MIL & SIL picked up their email address and ask them to block your MIL & SIL.”

“Delete incoming emails from MIL and SIL unopened and only email personal messages to them.”

“I get several religious type e-mails from some friends and a family member. Most generally, they are these sappy poem type things that I simply do not have time to read. Some of these same people e-mail me, but I make no mention of the religious "junk mail" they send. I just hit delete and try to ignore them.”

One poster even suggests setting up a free email address you give only to the guilty parties, telling them to email you there from now on, and then never checking it!

What’s your advice? Have you been on either side of this issue? What worked (or didn’t) for you? Have you tried the straightforward “please don’t send me forwards” technique, only to have it result in a hellacious round of “But you are so special to me” singing messages? And, IYO, what's the worst kind of forward to get?

This article was in the New York Times magazine over the weekend: “So The Torah is a Parenting Guide?”

It’s about writer and mother Wendy Mogel, whose book The Blessing of a Skinned Knee suggests “that kids need more than tightly controlled doses of risk. That’s what the Talmud is trying to teach by requiring parents to teach their children to swim, Mogel argues. The passage has been interpreted as an instruction to pass on the tools of survival…the larger lesson is that children need to learn to fend for themselves.”

Jewish mothers every where are shuddering at the thought. (Don’t worry, Mom! I’m fine!)

Over on the Hot Debates board, the awesomely-named meetmylibido posts: “What do you think of this whole concept? Is it over protecting to find a fix as quickly as possible to a problem (instead of letting them muddle through it on their own) or is it selfishness and not wanting to ‘waste’ time on their children? Are kids being set up to fail because of parents who protect them from failure as children?”

dragonfly_diva responds: “I for one am not keen on the idea of a sink or swim type concept. I think children need tools and guidance throughout life to 'survive'.”

cl-misa101 thoughtfully adds: “sink or swim mentality works for some things (definitely NOT swimming though).” Ha! It’s funny because it’s true!

Should we all just back off? Seems like there’s been a lot in the news lately about over-parenting and over-protecting today's over-scheduled kids. But in a competitive, complicated, and scary (especially this week, yipes) world, is it in your kid’s best interest to let them fend for themselves? Oy vey. Please, tawlk amongst yourselves. (Anyone else remember Coffee Talk with Linda Richman? Anyone? Is this thing on?)

When the news is getting you down… go take a treasure hunt! All right. It’s the middle of the week, and you’re thinking Halloween (mostly because you’re already panicked about not having any good costume ideas) (or is that just me…?), and you need a little fun.

Well, on the HALLOWEEN BOARD (seriously, we have everything here), there is an irresistible new game. Say goodbye to that boring coffee break. In fact, say goodbye to getting any work done at all. And say hello to our little friend, the Trick-or-Treat Scavenger Hunt.

Happy Haunting!

What to say about this business of the school shootings? Three in one week, spread across the country. There’s definitely something scary in the air, isn’t there?

On the Parenting Issues Debate Board, amd1427 posts: “The shooting in Pennsylvania is such a horrible tragedy and my 9yo dd seems to be having a hard time with it…I told them both that statistically kids are safer at school than anywhere else (no I can't back that up) and that it's all over the news because it is so rare, ‘you never hear “kid falls off of bike” on the news because that happens all the time.’”

Well, sounds like she dealt with that well, doesn’t it? But what are parents supposed to say to kids who hear this kind of news and are scared (especially since parents are scared themselves – as are we all!)

catsecord: “Its soo hard when the kids get scared by real events like that…We also reassured [ds] that it was a very rare occurance and that most people are good. We just tend to hear more about the bad guys on the news. It took a long time and a lot of repetition but he eventually got over the paranoia...”

mom2fourgrls: “I needed some real perspective after the last few weeks events, so I reminded myself that I take my kids somewhere daily in a car. Our kids are in far more danger when we put them in our cars than when we send them to schools.”

How do you talk to your kids about scary news stories? Should you protect them from the news, or try to explain it?

edited to add: There are lots of interesting threads on school security, protecting the Amish and more, at the new Hot Topics: School Shootings board. Head on over to read and weigh in. Thanks, Susan, for the link!

On that salacious Politics Today board they’re talking underpants and emails, as usual. Oh, wait a minute, that’s just what’s in the news. (Isn’t this a strange world?) As trip_wonders reminds us: “Florida Rep. Mark Foley's resignation came just hours after ABC News questioned the congressman about a series of sexually explicit instant messages involving congressional pages, high school students who are under 18 years of age…In Congress, Rep. Foley (R-FL) was part of the Republican leadership and the chairman of the House caucus on missing and exploited children…He crusaded for tough laws against those who used the Internet for sexual exploitation of children.”

Now kids, that’s what we call irony.

Of course, this is shaping up to be quite a s*#$storm. As sopal1953 points out: “It's the coverup by Republican leadership that is even more interesting. Republican leaders were informed of this almost a year ago, and did virtually nothing about it.”

At a time when we’re at war in more ways than one, do we care about a senator’s emailing and IMing habits? Is what a government official does in his spare time any of our business? Shouldn’t people who thought the impeachment of Bill Clinton was unnecessary and pointless be opposed to pursuing this issue any further?

Then again, this whole thing is complicated by the fact that these are kids. And congressional pages. And that the party knew about it and tried to cover it up.

trip_wonders writes, “Hey, the GOP wants to get negative. They want to compare Democrats to child molesters. Fine. Perhaps it's time the Democrats started calling out the GOP leadership for their unbelievably real and truly despicable coddling of a child molester. How many Congressional pages were endangered due to the GOP's support of child molestation I wonder?”

And of course the plot thickens…with the “explanation” offered by the conservative Family Research Council: “Democrats seeking to exploit the resignation of Rep. Mark Foley (R-FL) are right to criticize the slow response of Republican congressional leaders to his communications with male pages. But neither party seems likely to address the real issue, which is the link between homosexuality and child sexual abuse.”

Anyone? Anyone?

You probably know that October is Breast Cancer Awareness month, which is too bad if you're into coordinating your outfits (pink ribbon+black-and-orange shirt= blinding passersbys), but which is good if you or someone you love has been affected by Breast Cancer. If so, you might want to check out our Breast Cancer support board -- and don't forget to upload a picture of the Breast Cancer survivor in your life to our new Photo Gallery.

Okay, now when you're done with all that (you're busy today!), scamper back over here, because cl-gkonkler5 on the Woman-to-Woman board wants to know: What bizarre or unique holidays do you celebrate this month? That's right -- October is not only host to Breast Cancer Awareness and Halloween. You may have forgotten that October is also when we celebrate Eat Country Ham Month and Cookie Month. So glad these are the same month, so we can also celebrate eating our favorite delicacies, Country Ham Cookies. Mm. Yep, and it's also Computer Learning Month, International Drum Month, and Sarcastic Month. Really.

So if you find a moment between celebrating Name Your Car Day (that's today) and preparing for Virus Appreciation Day (coming before you know it!) -- let us know: What's your favorite unusual holiday this month?