Do SAHMs Support Change? (and we're not talking diapers here)

Why does everything have to be a contest???? I've made different choices (WOH, SAH, WAH, P/T and F/T) during different seasons of motherhood, and they were all best *for MY family*, *at THAT time*. How about we all feel secure enough about our own decisions to stop bashing those who make the other choice? If women would support each other instead of slamming each other, now THAT would be progressive!!!

I'm incredibly fortunate that my fiancee makes enough money that I get to stay at home and raise our 3 year old daughter. Now that she's 3 however, it's beneficial to her to go to school, and for me to get a part time job. I dont think it matters, what other people are chosing to do with their lives ISNT our business. Roe VS Wade made it so that you can get an abortion, but if you do or dont and your reasons to arent my business and I dont want to know. We, as a society, spend way too much time concerned with what everyone is doing/saying/sexing in their own home. We should focus on being the best us, making decisions that work best for us, and accepting people for who they are/what they beleive and staying out of it.

Having a choice is "change"! Thank God we don't all make the same choices..then this world would just be plain boring and homongenous. Support women by supporting the choice to SAH or the choice to return to work. I have been fortunate to blend the best of both worlds by being an independent contractor, able to control my own schedule and ultimately my income. Some days it's harder. Some days it's easier - but it's my choice and as a single mom with no financial or any other assistance from my son's father, it has been an amazing blessing in addition to the ultimate blessing of my son!

I think it's great if a woman wants to and can stay home with her small children. However, your statement that "nannies" are rearing the children of women go back to work is offensive. Children can't be "raised" during the hours mothers are away from home, and fathers are also parents and active in raising their children. Nannies don't raise kids of working parents anymore than teachers raise school age kids.

That's an excellent point, Lois! Thanks for clarifying -- you're totally right. I was just meaning that the nannies are often not working under the best conditions (health care, social security, etc) (not the working mom's fault, but just to point it out) re: kbmammm's urging of women to work for social change. Bad wording on my part, though. Thanks for the addition!

Oh -- and I'd like to second Jen-Jen's comment! To me the REAL mystery here is why don't we just support each other, rather than "slamming each other"? Don't we all really want the same things -- choice and freedom and what's best for the parents and kids alike?

As a SAHM, I can say that there is no greater job (Yes, staying at home with your children IS a job!) in world for me. There are days I miss working outside of the home...especially when I go for days without an adult conversation! But it is my choice. I respect the women who go back to work too - it takes a strong woman to make the decision that is best for herself and her family. It's unfair to pass judgement on those who decide one way or the other, because each situation is different. One of the reasons I stay home is because my husband is gone 2 weeks every month. Being home provides stability to my children that they otherwise would not have. I'm amazed that some women are so bold as to say SAHM are causing our society to regress. Dawn was completely right in her comment - having a choice IS change!
If that's not progressive, I don't know what is!

I have to say, my mother was a SAHM, and I'm extremly glad for it. I trusted my her enough throughout school to talk to her about anything and everything (which I routinely did). If she had been away for all that time, I doubt we would have been so close, and I doubt I'd have grown to be as sucessfull as I am. I really hope I get to stay home with my kids untill they're into their teens and know a bit about themselves and the world like mom did.
Don't we all as women owe something to the children we bring into the world? Yes, we owe it to ourselves to fufill our own dreams and ambitions, but children need someone close to cling to as they grow. Being a mother is a job, a fulltime one, and one of the more important ones in your life. After all, our children will rule the world someday too.

Comments like SAHM do not support change for women is another example that women are falling prey to backwards thinking that you are only valued if you have a paycheck. It great that women have the choice to decide what works best for them. Fellow women should support this, or you will find yourself pushed back into the dark ages again with no voice or choice.

So Kirsten,

Am I to understand that middle-class America, the families in which both parents HAVE to work don't deserve to add children to the mix?

Jen-Jen, you said it perfectly.

Why does this have to be a contest to begin with? Let's all just leave it alone and let each woman decide for herself what is best for her and her family.

There's a novel idea!

I believe that SAHM is not the only factor that determines how liber or progressive women have become. Rather I firmly feel that women is the source which binds the entire family together. In this dynamic world the expectations from our husband, children, in laws and relatives are also changing. The equations that our granny's or mother's handled with their relatives has seen many a fold difference and this is realised by everyone around us. So the question remains intact that SAHM should not be so detremantal that it becomes the ultimate factor in women liberlisation.

SAHM mothers are fine with me. I don't think they're setting women back at all. It's just leaving options open for the women who want it and are willing to go out there and get it!

The only issue I have is hearing women call it a career or a real job. "it's so hard and thankless. Everyone thinks I sit on my duff, eating bon-bons and watching Oprah all day!"

Although, I am bias to this...simply b/c a SAHM I know does exactly this and wants sympathy for having to watch kids who are cutting into her nap and bath time.

In their defense, it isn't an easy job but you chose it...quit the belly-achin'

Whatever the woman chooses to do is her decision.It does not mean it's a step back for womanto be a SAHM.I am a SAHM of 5 and I see the way my husband misses out on alot of our children growing up and I decided that I didn't want to miss that first time they walk or laugh or talk etc .They grow up fast enough!

I decided to become SAHM to my 1-year old daughter and my two stepchildren after having had a succesful career as a lawyer. I can tell you, this is harder, more rewarding and more liberating. SAH may not be right or possible for everybody but it feels very right and natural to our family set-up. I also feel that I can be a versatile role-model to our daughters showing that everything is possible. Is that change? I don't know, but it seems very right.

SAHM here...and not belly aching about it either. It was a choice (one that I am greatful to have) that I made rationally and with confidence. Some moms may eat bon-bons and bathe, but that's their loss. The kids will be gone before you blink. I think the main point is...savor each moment with your kids. Whether working at home or out, take each precious moment you have with your kids. I look at the toys all over my house and think that I would like to have my house back, but then I remember that my 3 year old will be in school in two years and I will miss having the toys and her around. Then grade school, high school, then college! I'll have to wait until I'm a grandma to make the excuse to color, paint or watch cartoons again. Maybe I'll get my degree and teach, but there again...choice. Our grandmothers fought for choice, our right to do what is absolutely best for our families. Thanks to those strong women, we can do what's right and should encourage each other to be our best!!!

Those fathers who are lucky to be a part of their children's lives should embrace it. Many men are struggling to attain this privilege. Fathers should do more in the child-rearing and domestic realm so that mothers will not feel "drowned" by so many responsibilities. It would certainly make things easier on mothers and give them more choices in their leadways in life.

I've been on both sides of the fence. I've been in the corporate world as a securities trader and left when my daughter was born in 2000.

I've seen women who stay home, have nannies and could care less while I've seen other women cry to work every morning for having to leave their kids in daycare.

When did it become degrading to be a stay at home mom? When I was a kid, the ONE thing I looked forward to most every single day after school was my mom waiting to pick me up. Now, I get to be the mom waiting for my daughter after school.

Today, we have a lot more choices and many of us also choose to work from home. Many of us have home-based businesses that allow us the opportunity for our own financial independence while being home for our kids at the same time.

That's a choice, too, but whatever the choice is, only WE are responsible for the results of that decision.

Women need to stop worrying about what OTHER women are doing and just be secure in their own decisions. I left traditional employment to launch a freelance career so I could be home with my infant daughter. It's not a perfect situation, but a far better one for my family than trying to raise a child and balance a newspaper career. The reason the "Mommy Wars" exist is because women spend far too much time worrying what other women think of them. Be happy with your choices. And if you're not happy, make a change. But for Pete's sake, stop living with the notion that what one woman does with her life is in any way a judgment on what you've done with yours.

I have been a nanny. Sorry to be a lightning rod, but the children with nannys are so much more spoiled than other kids, partly because the parents feel guilty going to work and abandoning them. There are two modes of discipline, the nanny's and the parents, if you can call the it discipline with the parents.

As a woman who ended up divorced at 41 with 2 children and a good career, I am now a firm believer in keeping yourself in the job market! I was able to meet lots of men (my stay at home friends who divorced had problems) and my lifestyle never had to be adjusted in a major way. Ladies - you don't know what is coming down the road... Be prepared and don't totally lose your ability to make a living!

i've done both... worked (after divorce)and i'm now back to being a SAHM. i agree with keeping options open. if you want to go back to work (or have to) more power to you... just be sure to spend as much time as possible with your kids. as one of the only SAH's in my neighborhood, i end up with all the neighborhood kids in my house, because the kids want somebody to help with homework, and fix snacks,and be there to talk to. with the hours their parents work, they are missing some of that interaction they need to foster their development. i'm very glad women have the opportunity to work if they want, and i'm glad i can still stay home... just remember if you work, spend as much time as you can with the kids when you get home (that's what i did when i worked).

I think a lot of women who think they are feminists miss the point. It is about a women's right to choose. Just cuz you are a feminists, it doesn't mean you dog every men who holds out the door for you. We know we are capable to handle both, wether we decide to stay at home or work, it is our choice, and that is the difference.

Why doesn't anyone expect men to have an equal part in raising the children? Do they really just get to bring home the bread, enjoy their kids and call it a day? Men taking a larger part in their children's lives, doing housework, changing their lives because they too have children...now that will be change.

I'm a stay-at-home Mom by fortune and by choice. I was raised with a silver spoon in my mouth. I was shipped off to boarding school because my parents somehow got the impression that total strangers in another state could do a better job than they could. Maybe that was true in their case, but I endured the experience with resentment. I am certain that I'm better for my own kids than any head mistress or dormitory support system. I'm better for them than any nanny. I even have the babysitters beaten. Maybe I'm not using my MBA. Or maybe I am by application? Particularly as an older Mom, I've always considered my kids as gifts. These are the best times of my life and hopefully theirs?

YES - staying at home is bad for women, in the same way that having a baby is bad for your vagina! Yes, leaving a successful career to be a full-time mom and wife is incredibly difficult and will never leave "you" the same (in some ways for the worse), but caring for your own baby is what simply makes sense. Just like it makes sense that the new life you created would come from your body... kind of sad to think that after that wonder someone would just hand the baby over for someone else to care for.

After an impressive career that included the highest levels of politics and the media, there was NO QUESTION that I would leave my VP post and stock options behind to raise my baby at home. It is a sense of obligation and just a gut feeling when you are honest with yourself of what is right FOR THE BABY (not for the woman).

None of us would like to be an infant in daycare, and we shouldn't impose on babies what we do not want for ourselves -- that is the lesson we learned from the past generation.

I have to agree w/ jen jen. I WOH part time but have arranged kid care w/ a friend who has a small child and I watch him when she works. We are lucky to only have to work 3 d/week and BBsit 2 d/week, but it is hard work. However, I know where my son is and that he is loved. I am so sick of people saying "I am fortunate enough" for my spouse to make a good living. Well, wake up ladies. My hubby made fantastic money until the auto market took a nose dive. Then we were strapped to even afford our mortgage. Hence, I will not stay home and risk all we have worked for. Jobs can be fleeting. W/ 2 incomes your/and your childs future are more secure. I worked hard to get my ed. and I am going to use it. I have a great career, marriage and kid. B/S w/ all of these kids of divorced or non married homes, don't you think that has a bigger impact on them then the whole SAH/WOH issue? We need to give our kids security and the structure of a MARRIED/FAMILY unit. That is a much more important issue then who stays where...

I agree with Jan and SD22! My sister and I were brought into this world by parents who felt it was more important to own a big house, drive fancy cars, and entertain clients every weekend rather than being hands on. My grandparents came over every day and took care of us.....took us to school, the park, took care of us when we were sick.....which was great because it was "family". Unfortunately, to this day my sister and I feel that our grandparents raised us, are sad that they are gone, and feel little connection with our parents. I feel that if you are blessed with children, then you should raise them and not hand them off to others because you don't feel complete or don't have all of the material things that your neighbors have. The whole family nucleus has all but dissolved. Why do you think there is so much teen violence these days? I feel that we are now seeing the effects of daycare. Wasn't it around 15-20 years ago when daycare was becoming the thing to do? Kids are angry now.

What's funny about this whole thread is that we seem to be only--or at least mostly--talking about babies and small children.

As a teacher, I've seen many different balancing acts for families, but do you know when kids need you most? Those after school hours--between 3-6/7pm. That's the time most of them get in trouble. My career allows me to be home with mine during that time, but I know all aren't so lucky. Please make sure you know where your kids are and who they're with. Whether they're 12 or 16--trust me. It matters.

You know the problem with the world today is that everyone wants everyone to be just like them. I stay at home, and I have worked. I stopped working when my kidergarden son starting having serious issues in school from lack of one on one attention. See me and their father struggled for a great deal of time financially so we both had to work to make ends meet. Turns out we lacked horribly in what was important, raising our children. They spent a great deal of time in daycares (some of the best I might add) But a daycrae provider is doing a job, and personal attention is a luxury they can not afford when they are responsible for 5 + children. They were great, but my kids were not being raised with the morals, respect, and social concepts that helped me become a succesful adult, now I have to play catch up. My fault. Oh and yes Dad could have quit his job with full benefits and cooshy retirement, but then well groceries would have been a luxury we could not have afforded.

Point is MAKE YOUR OWN CHOICES

The only problem I've have with SAHMs is that any I know think that it is ludicrous that I would rather have a career than children. If I have to hear "there is no job more important than raising a child" one more time, I am honestly going to puke.

Well 'Guess', get out your bucket because there IS nothing more important than raising a child! I get the impression that you don't have children but,if you do, I not only feel for them but, for you as well! Your selfish attitude will have your children running away from you (like mad) and the only way that anyone will discover your demise is when your neighbors smell the odor. Sad.

Well Guess let the puking begin. I am able to do both.....I think multi tasking is the correct word, Mom's invented it. As any SAHM can tell you, staying home is not for the weak minded. I can honestly say that when I had my "Career" I did LESS (yes thats right LESS) work than I do now. And yes sometimes I do want to go to work outside the home to get some REST :)

I thinks organizations should start child care centers near office, so that child is in hands of Expert Child Care Professionals, and mothers can visit center during teabreak or lunch break and home based businesses should be encouraged and only those women should not sit who dont have any option.

My daughter was born fifteen months ago. I went from working a full time job for the last 16 years to having a baby and staying home with her. My life has changed in ways that only a Mom who has a baby and gives up her job can imagine. Your identity as you once knew it is completely gone. You know, it's OK. I will never regret my decision to stay home with my daughter. Being a Mom is definately the hardest job I've ever had! I miss talking to adults sometimes! I admire Mom's that work outside of the home and come home and work at home too. Our job is 24/7-365 no matter what decision we make. Moms should stick together and not judge others for the decisions they make.

I agree with Lisa and Khristy. I am a SAHM and so was my mom. Growing up, it was the kids that were home alone after school, and those that were in daycare that get into the most trouble. I think everyone in this world is too materialistic. Everyone THINKS both parents have to work because everyone has to have 100 outfits to wear, and their kids have every toy ever made. What happened to using imagination?? Most mothers could afford to stay if they just cut back the unnecessary items bought. No kids remembers this toy or that, but they do remember whether their mom or dad, was with them most of the time, or they were raised by daycare!! WHAT IS BEST FOR THE KIDS should be the question, not whether it sends us back to the 50's.

I just found out I am pregnant and am trying to decide what I should do. I am thinking about maybe working part time as I really do not want to continue full time. The career I am currently in is not one I want to be doing years from now. This will be my first child so I really do not know what to expect. I do feel I want to stay home atleast part of the time though.

I think if you have children, you should be responsible for them. Stay home and raise them. Why have them if you are going to give them to a nanny or daycare! Wake up and smell the baby Oil Already!

I don't think there is anything wrong with either, however if you are going to work, I think part time is best. It's bad enough our husbands are always at work. There has been no proven difference in children who's moms stay home or work. RESEARCH IT! I work pt 5 hours day in banking, I get off work at 2:30pm so I still have plenty of time to geteverything else done. I think it's all about balance, some people know how to do it, some people dont. Some of us have to work! I think that husbands should work less and be more active in the rearing of the household &the children. That would be a great change and that would help take some of the pressure off us moms. If you can stay at home and not struggle financially, I think that's great. But that's not possible in my house! I've stayed home while I was on maternity leave and personally I like working part time better. I felt like I never had anytime to myself and like I was carrying the load on my own. Working gives me more of an identity. 2 each their own!

I personally think that children are only young once, and that a mother should stay at home until the children are at least school age. Raising a child IS a "full time job." Then perhaps take on a part time job only. I think it is too much for a person to have "two full time jobs" and something along the line has to give.

I have a 13 year old daughter, and didn't work until she was 3. I later divorced her father, and was a F/T working,single mother. I later became engaged, and last year moved to a different state. I now am a SAH mom, and I love it. I am looking for something part time, but I enjoy being at home, and most importantly, I was able to make sure she adjusted to a new school, friends, etc. I will not take a job that takes me away during the evenings or nights, as my fiance works shifts. I believe a 13 year old needs a parent there as much, if not more, as when they were 3. It boils down to what works for YOUR family. It is a decision that no one should be made to feel guilty for.

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